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Police Say Activision Arming Locals Unwise

Officials at Bear Springs, Arkansas have expressed their concern regarding a promotional deal that offers night-vision goggles with the purchase of a special edition Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

Sheriff Wayne Baker gave his personal opinion on why it was a bad idea:

“My concern is not that people have access to the equipment, but that they’re being given away to people in my community who are positively cuckoo. Take my brother Dale, for instance; he’s a scary guy when you get a get a couple drinks of whiskey in him. I remember we were down in San Luis when these two kids from Texas made a bet over the pinball machine. Of course, Dale lost and those kids got his money, so Dale got angry and left. An hour and a half later, he came back with an AK-47 assault rifle and shot that pinball machine dead. He’s got it mounted on the wall of his trailer. Now do you really want a guy like that having access to something like night-vision?”

One wonders what the Bear Springs police department would have thought of Activision’s original proposal to include a live hand grenade had been accepted. Thankfully, that logic was been questioned by the only sober executive at during the brainstorming meeting/toga party.

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Diablo 3 to be Censored in Some Countries

While saying that they would like to remain true to the spirit of their action-RPG, Diablo, Blizzard admits that the third game in the series will be censored in some countries. A spokesperson for Blizzard offered the press an explanation and some examples as to how the game would be altered in various countries.

“We at Blizzard are committed to bringing our customers an authentic Diablo experience but we also must honor the laws and regulations of other societies. This is especially true in communist states that use censorship as a tool to oppress personal beliefs and free thinking that may topple autocratic regimes; this is especially true in China, Venezuela and Australia.

In fact Australia’s OFLC has asked us to double the price of Diablo 3, remove all violence, and release it only after the rest of the world has had the game for at least six months. China is also requiring us to replace all our initial classes with popular socialist heroes like Mao, Marx, Lennon and Obama.

As if that wasn’t enough, the ESRB has demanded that we maintain their standards for US game releases by processing the game in a grainy brown filter, removing all dialog and replacing it with catchy one-liners.”

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NEWS FLASH: British Teens Out of Control

The London Bureau of Reliable Source reported this week that a law preventing retailers from selling adult entertainment products to children enacted more than 25 years ago was never presented to the European Council. A minor technicality which means that, as of this moment, retailers may now sell adult entertainment to sell to children of any age without fear of reprisal.

Our journalists caught up with a local six year old who had just knocked off a liquor store in Piccadilly Circus “We’ve tasted the sweet nectar of adult entertainment and there is no going back to SpongeBob!” At which point he proceeded to kill our cameraman and wear his face as a mask.

The British government is asking that citizens remain calm while packs of porn-addled teenagers hunt major metropolitan cities for previously unavailable rap music and carjacking simulators. You should not attempt to interact with these crazed teens as they are likely to bake you into a meat pie and serve you up with tea, or whatever it is that they do in the UK.

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Bayonetta Brags One-Hand Workout

Game launches rarely cater to one handed players; the team at Sega are proud to be one of the first companies to bring this innovative feature to their new game, Bayonetta. We had a chance to sit down with Richard Dickenson a fan of the idea and creator of the website: One Handed Typists of America.

“I am so glad there is finally a game for people like me. All you have to do is push a button to cock your gun, and unsheathe your sword. This leaves your other hand free to uncork a bottle, adjust your antenna or just pet the dog.”

If you’re interested in spending some quality time in battle with purple headed demons, or really can’t play a game without a soft drink in the other hand, Bayonetta’s October release date may be just what you were priming your pumps for.

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Nintendo Patent Useless Junk to Keep Wii Sexy

Those of you who have been glued to your computer constantly refreshing the US patent office’s website, have probably noticed a slew of peripherals coming from Nintendo over the last couple of months. This includes a horse, goggles, bowling and foot balls, a vitality sensor, and even a hat.

“Many Nintendo fans have been wondering why we’ve been patenting all this strange crap for the Wii. The answer is simple; were doing this to keep the Wii free of moronic 3rd party peripherals that make us look bad, and in the case of the bowling ball, could even kill you. I wouldn’t get worried that Nintendo is coming out with a bunch of useless plastic junk you’ll forget about when it falls behind the TV. We have no intention of ever releasing a Wii vitality sensor or an inflatable horse; that’s just stupid,” explained the Nintendo representative.

Still, some companies are going one step further and making peripherals that go well beyond any sense of reason. Already, patents for a stapler and an athletic supporter have been filed within the last few days. Does this mean that Nintendo’s plan is failing? I guess we won’t know until we see who patents the Wii Circumcision Kit first.

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