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Chinese Unearth Ancient Cure for Gaming Addiction

State sponsored internet addiction camps in China have recently rediscovered a time honored cure for addiction: Fatal Beating Therapy (FBT). The cure has been up to 100% effective in the cases of addiction that it’s been used to treat. This success rate surpasses other Chinese treatments such as shock therapy and bamboo under the fingernails.

Jiao Kong, a councilor at a particularly successful internet addiction camp, said, “Even if the procedure isn’t completely successful it can still heal damage done to children by videogames. Your kids deserve to be free from the dangers of playing games or live in fear that they may wake up someday and not want to toil their lives away in a garment factory. “

American scientists are already looking at FBT as a cure for other deviant childhood behavior such as hyperactivity (ADD), depression, and your daughter hanging around that ‘good for nothing’ Johnson boy.

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Extremists Unhappy About their Representation in Games

A radical terrorist cell going by the name of “The Hand of God” issued a statement this week, saying they are unhappy about how they are being portrayed in games.

“We think that games like this Call of Duty give gamers a bad impression of terrorists. I get mad when I think about how my father died blowing up an Egyptian passenger jet for equal rights for terrorists, just to be demonized by games like Call of Duty and Ghost Recon. These games serve only to draw attention to the bombings and beheadings but don’t show the other, more sensitive side, of terrorism. We’re very proud of programs like our youth outreach and our Bombs for Bunkers financial stimulus plan, but you never see the positive things we do in these games.”

This is not the first group to complain of being portrayed poorly in games. Some other groups who have recently protested their representation in games are: Nazis Against Stereotyping and Insults, and a Zombie Advocacy group known simply as “Mmmnnnnrrrrhh.”

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Japanese Rebrand Rape, Causes Hullabaloo

Japan’s rebranding of erotic games featuring rape has caused uproar with victims of crimes committed with precious metals. Japanese games featuring sexual assault will now be known as “Platinum” games. The change comes after a decision by the Japanese government to ban nearly every synonym for deviant sexual behavior last month.

One group that is not happy about the change in names is The Precious Metal Survivors of America (PMSoA) which says that the rebranding has trivialized their cause.

“We want the world to know platinum assaults are very real and they are nothing to laugh at. The rebranding of these games shows how insensitive the makers of rape simulators are to our plight,” said Jerry Rice, a spokesman for the group. A statement made even more moving by the platinum medallion which was fused to his heart during a tragic bling accident.

Other problems that have occurred due to the rebranding seem to stem from the confusion surrounding the game Pokemon Platinum, and Microsoft’s Platinum Hits edition of Dead Rising.

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Game Companies Lure Women to Hardcore Games

Microsoft has taken drastic steps to lure women into playing hardcore games with an impressive marketing campaign targeted at major US cities.

The promotion relies on specialized marketing teams strewing the city streets with things that Microsoft’s research shows that women enjoy. Amongst the items used to lure women to Microsoft’s special gaming centers are: ponies, butterflies and the scent of Zac Efron.

“Our research suggests that 80-90% of women who are introduced to this powerful marketing scheme will be powerless to resist us and follow the trail to our lai… erm… gaming centers. As soon as they reach their destination, they will be so overwhelmed by flashing lights German Techno and smell of testosterone so potent that they will be helpless to escape. That’s when we grab them and force them to play games like Halo and Gears of War,” said one of Microsoft’s scientists, who then added “Muhahahahahahah.”

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Michael Bay Taking Suggestions on Next Childhood Memory to Ruin

After the huge box office success of Transformers, Universal Pictures has begun an online contest to pick the next favorite childhood memory to be made into a three hour summer blockbuster replete with CGI meteors, exploding tanks, and aircraft carriers crashing into the Whitehouse.

Voting in the online poll so far is tied between The Cosby Show, and that eternal classic, She-Ra: the Princess of Power. It’s not completely clear how Bay’s unique directorial style would change the series but it’s safe to say that we at Reliable Source look forward to Dr. Huxtable teaching Theo an important lesson about self worth by helping the military in defeating a race of psychotic aliens intent on destroying the Washington monument with bomb-bearing robotic space eagles.

Aside from his movie projects, Michael Bay has been contracted to ruin other more personal experiences like your first kiss and that time you and your dad went out fishing and he gave you your first beer.

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