The holidays are a rough time for everyone. Luckily for us, we don’t have to do much but sit around and wait for the magical Holiday beings to bring us free stuff. However, that means someone has to pick up all that slack. But what happens when one of them needs a sick day? (despite the fact that they have the majority of the year for that) It’s time for virtual friends to step in of course, but it requires a bit more than skill. You also need to be comically overweight.

dr robotnik

Dr. Robotnik
I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Fat? Check….. Actually, that’s all I’ve got for this one. I mean look at him, he clearly aspires to be a part-time Mall Santa. Shame about the weird head, though.

king hippo

King Hippo
He looks like he would most likely punch you in the face for a present. He’s also very likely to refer to himself as King Christmas, so that might get a little strange. Although given how 2016 has gone so far, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing

heavy

Heavy
What’s more lovable than a fat bald man dressed up in a Santa suit? A fat, bald man dressed in a Santa suit with guns! Can you picture it? A jolly fat man, launching presents from his mighty sleigh high above the night sky. They may destroy your house but at least you have that nifty new PS4 Pro to show off.

wario

Wario
So this one may be the exact opposite of Santa if we’re being honest here. Wario is more likely to break into your home, in some comedic fashion, and take everything of value from you than he is to bring gifts. Luckily for you, he’s most likely too busy trying to steal from Mario to be bothered with you.

boomer

Boomer
Right, so this one is probably a bit of a stretch but I’m sure if you could find one that died in a red and white track suit, it could pass for an unbathed Santa. Sure he might explode and take out that portion of the Mall but at least little Timmy got to have his picture taken with Santa.

yangus

Yangus
This would be my pick for a Santa stand-in anyway. He’s friendly, loyal, has a great accent and can protect you from the hob goblins. I mean, he probably smells a little weird and he might eat you out of house and home but at least he’s leaving you some pretty good presents.

donut drake

Donut Drake
This one’s more or less for funsies since I don’t think this version of Drake is technically canon. However, I think it would be fantastic to see Reindeer try and pull the fried food loving Drake around.

kingsley shacklebolt

Kingsley Shacklebolt
So this one isn’t for Christmas. The only reason it’s on here is because the first time I saw him in the Order of the Phoenix I thought to myself “Ha, that guy looks like the spirit of Kwanzaa”. Wait, is that racist?

Do have your own suggestions? Be sure to let us know in the comments section!

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