Bad news: hell is full and the dead are walking the earth. Good news: the government has a plan.

Despite a reputation for laziness and incompetence, government agencies pride themselves on being prepared for any eventuality. The Center for Disease Control is no exception, and its latest blog entry is proof of that.

Following a brief rundown on the “whats and whys” of zombies, the post outlines the United States government’s official plan in the event that hordes of shambling corpses start hungering for our delicious brains:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated.

Admittedly, what the plan lacks in Brooksian utility toward decapitation, or weaponized Servbot heads, it more than makes up for in being incredibly dull.

The dark truth here is that the CDC has concealed a general purpose disaster preparedness primer in the geek-friendly camouflage of ambulatory, rotting corpses. Teaching people how to prepare for earthquakes and tornadoes is a great idea, but co-opting the memetic love we all share for zombies just feels like a violation of our geek trust tantamount to Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave.

Our government should be ashamed of itself.

Source: Center for Disease Control

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