Greetings and welcome to the third installment of Fanboy Action Theater, our semi-regular column that looks at superhero movies from a fanboy perspective. In today’s column, we’ll look at The Incredible Hulk, the movie based upon the popular Marvel comic. Beware, there may be plot spoilers below!

Plot:

The movie updates the origin of the Hulk as compared to the comic. In the movie, Bruce Banner (Eric Bana) inherits mutated DNA from his father, David Banner(Nick Nolte), a genetic scientist who experimented upon himself. The elder Banner’s experiment is shut down by Thaddeus Ross (Sam Elliot) as being too dangerous. David Banner destroys his lab in a fit of rage causing the death of Bruce’s mother. Bruce also believes his father died as well and grows up as an orphan.

Flash forward 30 years. Bruce Banner is now a scientist as well and is working with nanobots and gamma radiation. There is a lab accident and Bruce Banner takes a huge hit of gamma radiation, which in turn leads to his eventual transformation into the Hulk when he becomes angry. There’s a lot more plot lines such as Bruce’s love interest, Bruce’s father, an unscrupulous villain who wishes to learn Bruce’s secrets, Thaddeus Ross attempting to keep Bruce locked away, and yada, yada, yada. Normally, I’d outline the entire plot of the movie, but his movie sucks so much that I’ll think I’ll skip straight to the review.

Review:

This movie is utter crap. Please do not pay money to watch this movie. In fact, don’t waste the 90 minutes or so of your life to watch this piece of garbage. This movie is proof that the average fanboy can provide a better film adaptation than the average Hollywood idiot. Let’s imagine for a moment……

Studio Exec: Hey! We’re making a film version of the Incredible Hulk!

Fanboy: Cool! I can’t wait!

Studio Exec: What do you want to see in it?

Fanboy: Are you kidding? HULK SMASH!!! I want to see the Hulk smashing crap within 20 minutes of the start of the film! I can’t wait for the almost non-stop, insanely destructive fight scenes!

Instead, we get this….

Studio Exec: Hey! We’re making a film version of the Incredible Hulk!

“Angst” Lee: Great! I can’t wait to direct it.

Studio Exec: What do you envision for the film?

“Angst” Lee: I want to capture the intense brooding melancholy of the relationship between gay cowboys over the course….

Studio Exec: What?

“Angst” Lee: Sorry. What I meant was to explore the intense brooding melancholy of…..ZZZZZZZZ (this is the sound of the average Hulk fan falling asleep and snoring profoundly).

I mean, how hard can it be to adapt a comic book? Give us 90 minutes of HULK SMASH! and we’re happy. You can throw in the tragic love interest and Bruce Banner’s attempt to live a normal life, but there’s got to be some freakin’ action! There are two fight scenes in the movie and they’re two things: short and sucky. If a movie makes you nostalgic for the action provided in the 1970s Hulk tv show, then you’re doing something wrong. I’d rather watch a marathon of the tv show episodes than this movie (I won’t do it though as the ending theme song is probably the saddest damn song I’ve ever heard in my life). Not even Sam Elliot (the coolest actor working today) can save this piece of crap. So please, if your friend ever says to you, “this movie ain’t that bad”, and pulls it out to make you watch it, then you should punch him in the face and run away. He has just proven that he is not your friend and wants to steal 90 minutes of your life! 🙂

All in all, I give The Incredible Snore a…………………………F.

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