ESRB Rates Cho Aniki Zero “T” for “Man Juice”

There are strange videogames out there, and then there is the Cho Aniki series. The ESRB must rate them all, regardless.

The ESRB has a tough job lately. First the organization had to face WiiWare’s Muscle March, and now it’s being forced to try to explain Cho Aniki Zero, a shooter basically about speedos, muscles, and phallic imagery. The ESRB always does its best to sound professional, even when it’s quite impossible.

Cho Aniki Zero‘s rating description starts off just fine: “This is a side-scrolling shooter in which players control small characters that fire energy beams and bombs at an assortment of fantastical creatures.” Wow, sounds fun! Okay, what’s next? “Players can battle amoeba, flower creatures, skeleton bosses, and muscle men wearing tight Speedo shorts.” Wait… muscle men wearing tight Speedo shorts?

It all goes downhill from there, or uphill depending on perspective. The ESRB notes that Cho Aniki Zero “contains numerous suggestive references” such as “It’s full to bursting with man juice,” “let me wipe you down,” and “I’m gonna hold my best bro’s hand, and we’re gonna cuddle up all close, ’til our eyelashes touch.” Aww, that’s so sweet.

The game’s bosses hold no refuge from the oily muscled attack, as the ESRB describes: “In one sequence, players battle a pair of bosses connected in the following manner: the man in front is positioned like a dog while the man in back is cradling the squatting man’s knees, his face submerged under the man’s crotch.” Awesome! Awesome? Don’t forget that the game also contains language such as “sh*t, a*s, and a*shole,” just for good fun.

I sincerely hope that the ESRB had a tightest suit possible rate Cho Aniki Zero, perhaps one that just got finished with a Lego or Petz game. Much like war, Cho Aniki Zero changes a person for good once it is played. One ESRB employee’s dreams are sure to be haunted forever by bodybuilders and “man juice.”

Cho Aniki Zero is just one game amongst a series that hasn’t made it to North America much. It’s scheduled for digital release on the PSP in Spring 2010 through the PlayStation Network, if the description found here sounds like something you’d enjoy. The complete rating summary follows:

This is a side-scrolling shooter in which players control small characters that fire energy beams and bombs at an assortment of fantastical creatures. Players can battle amoeba, flower creatures, skeleton bosses, and muscle men wearing tight Speedo shorts. Enemies and objects explode in a fiery burst and disappear from the screen when defeated. Some male and female characters are depicted in revealing outfits, and dialogue contains numerous suggestive references; for example, “It’s full to bursting with man juice,” “let me wipe you down. C’mere big boy,” “I’m gonna hold my best bro’s hand, and we’re gonna cuddle up all close, ’til our eyelashes touch,” and “Get you’re a*s off my neck! Stop rubbing!” In one sequence, players battle a pair of bosses connected in the following manner: the man in front is positioned like a dog while the man in back is cradling the squatting man’s knees, his face submerged under the man’s crotch. The game contains language such as “sh*t,” “a*s,” and “a*shole.”

(Via Siliconera)