No Right Explanation

Hollywood Makes You Crazy


Last week, the guys debated who reigned as the craziest person in Hollywood, and this week they continue the debate in print for your reading enjoyment.


Chris: Why it is that crazy celebrities are so fascinating? We couldn’t care less about the normal, nice guys, but for some reason, whoever’s holding the anti-Semite stick for the week is just pure entertainment gold. My theory is that a true celebrity meltdown is always so beyond normal that it’s worth standing up and taking note. Famous people don’t just casually have doofy moments; they find a way to leap off the most crooked building in dodo village, and we all have front-row seats.

For this past week, Kyle and I got into a heated debate about crazy revolving around Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, two entirely different breeds of zebra. While Cruise lives in his own world, entirely devoid of things normal people could associate with and understand, Gibson does live in our world and hates it with a passion, or at least those who inhabit it. And it really is a shame as both actors have starred in some phenomenal movies (The Patriot is actually my favorite movie ever, fun fact). But, for whatever reason, they’ve both just sunk in an ocean of Technicolor swirls.

The fun part of our debate was more that neither of us were worried that the other’s option didn’t qualify, which tends to be how things sift out most weeks, but rather we just went back and forth reminding everyone of the things that our guys did in the recent, memorable past. Gibson has been going on one explosive ragestorm after another, whereas Cruise has turned in his Earth passport for one belonging to the moon people. Maybe part of that revolves around what it’d have to take to belittle the other option: Saying nice things about them. I don’t think either of us could have said truly kind things to offset the flood of goofballs and milk duds swimming our way from the two camps.

It’s sort of a shame Kyle didn’t get a chance to really dive deep into Tom Cruise’s unbelievable world of wackiness. Sure, we’ve all seen the Oprah couch-jump and heard about Scientology. Yeah, that’s not really crazy. But learning that Cruise had auditions for a chance to date/marry him? Wow, I don’t even think royalty does that sort of backwards-hat swizzle sticks anymore.

Furthermore, we didn’t get to hear as much about what Cruise had done within his movies, mostly tossing aside the notion of safety to do some ridiculous stunts akin to something Jackie Chan would only do when he was loaded on ethanol (thank you Drunken Master II). I’m not even going to try and point out the wackiness since this is all Cruise’s boyhood fantasies come to life in ways you won’t even notice since you’ll just assume it’s all CGI in the first place.

I know a few people were wondering about Gary Busey, but to be honest, he’s not as crazy as he may appear, mostly because he’s doing it on purpose most of the time. Now Christopher Walken, that guy’s crazy, but in a purely enjoyable way. The man knows what’s funny is all I’m saying, and it takes a special kind of crazy to know that (bears and bear suits). Lindsay Lohan, despite once being crazy-hot, is sadly not crazy in the slightest. Pitiable, but not crazy.

We just can’t get enough crazy when it comes to the rich and famous. Well, until their breed of crazy harms either them or others. Then it’s just not funny anymore. Isn’t that right, Mr. Hitchcock? Oh, you didn’t think he was straight-up psychotic? Oh, you have so much to learn, my friends.


Kyle: This debate was a classic case of “I was having too much fun, and that’s why I lost.” So let’s jump right into the post-game. Go to the tape!

I forgot to highlight the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t crazy because he’s a Scientologist. I hope we didn’t imply that believing in something is crazy, in regards to either of these guys. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, Mel Gibson happens to be Christian. That’s all well and good. No problem there. But the way these two represent their collective religions is what is crazy.

So Tom Cruise isn’t crazy for believing in Scientology. But he is crazy for becoming the public face and high ambassador of an admittedly kooky religion made up by a bad sci-fi author (who did so in order to pay his bills and get laid). Fact is, you’re Tom Cruise. You’re the guy who played volleyball with Val Kilmer and shouted “Show me the money!” and etc. You should not become a religious figure and try converting your fans.

Bottom line, I think Tom Cruise has made Scientology seem crazier. Not vice versa. It’s this nutty notion that the little bastard goes from hammy movie star to televangelist. And it’s clear that he takes it more seriously than L. Ron Hubbard did.

So, maybe I didn’t have the time or attention to properly articulate that. But you have to admit it, Chris missed a big argument here. Mel Gibson is racist, yes. We all know this. He’s very murderous and psychotic on the phone with his spouse. But Chris forgot two very important pieces of this insanity pie, though.

One: Mel Gibson’s brain gave us the word “Sugar-tits.” There you go. When you factor that in, I never stood a chance. That’s the type of phrase used by badly-written movie mobsters. And they only use the word “sugar-tits” in strip clubs and brothels, where actual tits are in plain view. That’s how uncouth Mel became; he reached cartoonish levels of trashiness.

Two: He gave his racist “The Jews run everything, grr” and his misogynistic “Sugar-tits” routines to police officers, in a police station, where he was in police custody. How do I put this? You could pour whiskey down my fat throat for two full days, only stopping to reanimate my corpse, and I would never be drunk enough to call a cop “sugar-tits” and accuse a cop of being “a Jew, and the Jews run everything,” especially when I’m cuffed in a police station … and when I’m one of the most famous and recognizable people in the world.

The audacity of doing that requires a person’s cheese to have slipped right off their cracker. No amount of booze or drugs can develop the balls to treat police like shit in their own station while they have you chained up. Add the fact that he must know anything he says will be all over the internet in mere hours, and that’s the kind of crazy you need Anthony Hopkins to play.

And in short response to some alternative choices for this debate: sorry good viewers who suggested the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicki Minaj, those choices don’t hold a candle. The Kardashians? Hey, do you make fun of zoo animals, too? That’s unfair. Lindsay Lohan? Not crazy, cocaine is just a hell of a drug. Nicki Minaj…Forgive me, but who the hell is that?


Dan: Looks like Chris caught on to my tally of the different types of crazy and decided to fill in the margins with a few more. Sorry, those who wanted to memorize the list and work them into casual conversation, now you have a few more flash cards to make. That being said, I know the world is better off with a few more imaginative ways of calling Hollywood stars crazy.

You gotta love a spit-take episode. Many people said that it shouldn’t have counted because everyone was already laughing before they got to the drinking, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: We are always laughing. I generally cut a lot of it out just for time, but this is one fun show to film and there isn’t an episode where we have to pause due to an uproar of giggles.

That being said, let’s look at the points before the spray of aqua. Kyle snagged the first point with reminding us that even before the furniture playground incident, we all smelled something was off with ol’ Cruise. He had all the makings of a male version of America’s sweetheart, but I don’t think he ever reached it. Action star, sure, but there was always something hidden from public view. I always assumed it was pure, weapons-grade vanilla personality that he didn’t want anyone to know about. I was wrong.

Chris comes back with Mel displaying the opposite personality issue from Tom; a burning fire inside. It allowed him to star in much more intense roles that Tom and really become a bigger Hollywood powerhouse in his day. Unfortunately the downside was that particular fire hated Jews, as fires often do. I know that I’m flammable. So when Mel’s intensity escaped through a directorial outing, people tried to pass it off as creative passion (pun intended.) Then he got drunk, and all bets were off. The fires that burn brightest burn hottest.

Chris then wrestled another point out of the system with the wonderful argument of Mel missing his point of no return. Tom is nuts, but it’s mixed in with his religion so people go to great lengths to ignore it and focus on his work. Mel Gibson showed that his beliefs are baked into his work, and when people tried to ignore that, he got drunk and repetitively yelled horrible things at cops. He does know that they record what you yell at them, right? Had Mel just made Passion and then kept his racist, hateful feelings to himself, he would probably still be huge right now. Meanwhile Tom did Tropic Thunder and Mission Impossible 4 and now he seems almost back on track, if he would just stop trying to ruin Katie’s career.

Kyle got a point for his story about Tom. I don’t know what else to say, that’s some crazy stuff. I gotta assume it’s true; it just seems too odd not to be.

Chris brings up another meltdown by Mel, which at this point should just be referred to as “Meldowns” (Screw you, Microsoft Word, I made it a word and you will accept my spelling!). The things Mel yelled at the cops could be written off as him being racist and drunk, but I don’t even think he was drunk when he yelled at his ex-girlfriend. Its possible Tom is yelling at Katie at this very moment about her not wanting to do whatever he wants her to do, but he keeps it on the down low. Mel got caught, and you get smacked a lot harder in America for yelling at a woman then you do by yelling at a cop.

Kyle tied it prior to the spit-take with the worst kind of crazy that Tom has, which is the crazy that wants to convert others. To infect everyone around him with the coo-coo-cachoo that is his own. Keep in mind, Brooke wasn’t considering taking meds, she was already on them and benefiting from them. Tom comes in and tries to undo her mental health to conform to his insanity. That’s the kind of crazy that gets you kicked out of restaurants, is all I’m saying.

I hope you all are getting ready to hug me and the boys at PAX next week. I’ll be bringing my camera and we’ll be asking questions all weekend long! See you then!

About the author

Daniel Epstein
Father, filmmaker, and writer. Once he won an Emmy, but it wasn't for being a father or writing.