No Right Explanation

Kirk vs. Bond


Last week Kyle and Dan debated who was indeed the best “playa” and now they take that argument to print in this week’s installment of No Right Explanation.


Chris: As some of you may have noticed, I didn’t debate in last Thursday’s episode. I didn’t even step in at the last second with a cheeky joke or non sequitur or anything. The reason is that, as with many debates, I have not seen everything and do not know everything. For instance, I have not seen more than maybe five 007 movies, though I only remember GoldenEye. Nor have I seen a single episode of the original Star Trek, (the new movie was an enjoyable lark though). That’s why when Dan and Kyle got into it, I was able to be the perfect non-biased judge since the only way any of these guys could convince me was to debate correctly. And they did that, for the most part.

I’m not as thorough as Dan is about keeping track of how he made his decision, as his version is all mental and he edits things together anyway, so after his choice he can just include what he needs to fit it in for time. My version had me counting points on my fingers as they went along, and if I remember correctly, they both went into the drinking portion completely tied with five fingers.

The big argument that swayed me over to Kirk’s side was the notion that he has gone to space and has therefore had relations in a place that James Bond did not and could not go. Bond may have hook ups all around the globe, but Kirk has done it beyond what humans these days have been able to do. I’m not saying I look up to Kirk for that, but rather that if things had gone slightly different in my life, I could conceivably match Bond’s exploits. The same does not hold true for Kirk.

And that’s basically my involvement this time. I just sat back and watched the two fall deeper into man-pig territory and watched for anything that could land them in trouble, all while counting on my fingers like an English Major has been trained to do. Somehow they went a whole episode without doing or saying anything that could really enflame fans or specific religious groups or cultures and such. A good time was truly had by all.

Then Dan wrote up a silly lead-in and offended an Irish-Catholic. So close!


Kyle: Can I just say for the record, the cards were not stacked in my favor this week. Bond is one smooth SOB to be sure, but he has nothing on the almighty Shatner. That being said, I have a few easy ones that Dan thankfully missed, thus sparing me total embarrassment.

For starters, Kirk has more potential for sexual prowess. The man has the technology to teleport. Okay? Bond’s got some kick-ass vehicles and travels all over the world in a fantastic, abrupt fashion. But Kirk can dematerialize and rematerialize from one woman/sexually active Halloween costume to another. Think of the amount of times he must have teleported to a woman’s room still wiping the glitter makeup off himself from the last … tucking the being’s phone number into his wallet. It’s like he would never stop. Like in every room within reach of the Enterprise could turn into a futuristic 60’s shag pad at any time.

We should also take rank into account here. While James Bond is a Double-0 agent and a Commander of Her Majesty’s Navy, nothing speaks more about a man’s virility than Captain. Captain of the whole damn ship. Hundreds of souls on board, all at his command. Imagine the difference in pick-up lines:

“After we blow up this guy’s underground lair, we should make sweet love on the beach. It’s a private island so no one is around for hundreds of … oh, wait. That’s my extraction helicopter. Can’t keep my CIA contact waiting, gotta report to M, justify the ridiculous explosions and unauthorized assassinations and whatnot. You know how it is. Call me if you’re ever cleared of those espionage and treason charges. I have a license to kill, but you really have no hall pass for accessory.” -James Bond

Meanwhile, “I’m on an open-ended mission to explore everything. I answer to no one, really. Except the prime directive. And speaking of which, may I direct you to the command bridge of my gigantic effing space liner? I’ll let you sit in the Captain’s chair. You can tell the helmsman ‘Steady as she goes.’ It’ll be fun. Anybody gives you shit, just say you’re my new Yeoman. Matter of fact, you want to be my new Yeoman? I can do that. Field endorsement, followed by a field promotion. Did I mention I’m the Captain?”


Dan: So I’m glad to see that our fans stepped in and defended my decision to make a passing comment to St. Patty’s Day. Once and for all, let’s all agree that people these days celebrate holidays in ways that have little to nothing in common with how the holiday started. People eat chocolate eggs filled with sugar goo for Easter, they max out all their credit cards for Christmas, and they get drunk on green beer on St. Patty’s Day. Pointing these trends out has nothing to do with the religious or political true meanings of the holiday.

Plus, I actually made and ate boiled corned beef and took a shot of whisky on St. Patrick’s Day this year, and I’m Jewish. So … there’s that.

As for the points, first one went to Kyle. It is usually the case where Bond will not only bed some vixen that is the Bond Girl of the movie, but he will enter a country and run into someone who he’s already conquered. Kirk generally starts from scratch every time, while Bond has got a black book with it’s own Dewey decimal system.

Second point went to me for something that’s always bothered me about Bond. The man must have so many STDs that the actor playing him gets crabs. Meanwhile Kirk gets what amounts to a bleach shower every time he beams onto the ship. That is, as long as the teleporter doesn’t malfunction … but that almost never happens. Basically, to be a successful playa, you can’t have a wang that is 75% genital warts.

Third point goes to me for one reason and one reason only: Vagina planet. Kirk can go there. Bond cannot. Bond can do every woman on Earth, but he will never get the action that Kirk can on VP. Never heard of VP? They didn’t air it, but you know he went there.

Harking back to the first point, Kyle gets the next one for the elaboration that Bond can change a gal’s allegiance with his motion of the ocean. Kirk maybe can ease tensions of a war-torn world, but it’s never a war between him and someone else. He’s an ambassador … in bed.

Next point goes to me, but it brings me no pleasure. Next week I am going to a good friend’s wedding with my wife and baby. My ex will be in the bridal party. This wedding will not be the most carefree event I have ever attended. Kirk, I envy you.

I get another point for the argument that Kirk has no competition for the ladies, whilst Bond is surrounded by alpha males. Even the guy who cried blood had a woman. It’s the power that really turns women on, and Kirk will always be better in that respect because Bond has to keep his awesomeness a secret, while Kirk is written into history books of other species!

The drinking point went to me simply because at this point it was clear who would win. Boldly go where no man has gone before, now that’s a sentence that can be dirty and I went there. Yes, I did.

So, if any of you have advice for me on this upcoming wedding thing, post it below. All I know is I better get a piece of cake.

About the author

Daniel Epstein
Father, filmmaker, and writer. Once he won an Emmy, but it wasn't for being a father or writing.