Mario & Luigi

Two issues remain unresolved in my mind after last weeks video. Firstly I must confess that my assurance that all the Mario & Luigi RPGs for the various Nintendo handhelds are fun was based partly on hearsay, because I hadn’t actually gotten around to playing the first one. Secondly, I made another assurance that such things are good to have on long plane rides, which I had not properly verified.

Fortunately, the opportunity to clear up both has arisen. I’ve tracked down a copy of Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga for GBA, and at time of writing I have just commenced a ten-hour plane flight to Los Angeles from Brisbane. Couldn’t have asked for a nicer seat, either – by the window, with two vacant seats beside me. So I’m going to play Mario & Luigi non-stop for as long as it takes for the battery to run out, or for the plane to crash and kill everyone, and report back every hour or so. Off we go!

Hour 0

Gotten through the intro thing, and Bowser has just refused to kidnap Princess Peach because she’s lost her voice and can’t stop crying. He’s obviously not into Japanese porn, then.

Nice to see that Mario is equipped with “Work Pants” by default, while Luigi starts off with the “Work Jeans.” Luigi, therefore, remains the cooler of the Mario brothers. This bad boy plays by his own rules.

Ha, look at all those newbies filling out their customs forms right after take-off. Everyone knows you wait ’till the last hour or so, in case your wife gives birth mid-flight. Obviously not a seasoned traveler like me.

Hour 1

Just finished one lunch and one vodka tonic that tasted like deodorant. Food was alright, though. I don’t really get what people dislike about airline food, but then I was brought up on English cuisine. English food is “cuisine” in the same way jerking off with both hands is a “menage a trois.”

Still don’t get why there are separate jump buttons for the bros. Seriously. The only places you need to jump separately are while under those blocks that switch between red and green, and maybe in some of the minigames. But no one in the game realizes this. The baddies give signals to indicate which of the bros they’re going to attack, but I just make them both dodge at the same time. It just makes the monsters look a bit silly for investing in both the red fireball and the green one.

The first pseudo-quest was a quick grind for 100 coins. Not a promising beginning. A thought: Since coins come out of baddies when you kill them, aren’t Mario and Luigi guilty of something equivocal to trading blood diamonds?

Next quest is a fetch quest for some rock on top of a mountain. Things are hotting up now.

Hour 2

Used my first mushroom at the 1:26 mark. Earphones starting to hurt.

Do I want to learn how to use hammers in battle? NO I FUCKING do NOT, game, because I died, reloaded my last save, and am now seeing this for the second time. And I see you’re not letting me pick “no,” so I’m perplexed as to why you even asked.

Okay, I really, really, really shouldn’t be complaining about this, but why do I have this whole row to myself, anyway? Just makes me wonder, is all. When I was checking in at the terminal, did the lady take one look at me and type “KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THIS ONE?”

Hour 3

The bros are being refused access to a castle until they fix the plumbing. I find this strangely gratifying.

All this switching between party order and shoulder buttons to find the right ability to use, I suspect, will never stop pissing me off. Look, there’s two whole buttons here that aren’t even being used. Unless the GBA didn’t have the X and Y buttons, which I think is the case. Probably explains why no one bought that thing.

I’m alone in the row, but there are three small children in the row right in front. Never fails, does it, every single flight I’ve ever been on, the little bastards always track down the guy who hates kids. Why would you even bring kids that young on holiday? They won’t remember anything they do and you and they both know they’ll want to go home the moment they touch earth.

Hour 4

Ha! I fucking knew they’d work a star into this at some point. “Beanstar,” though? Really? Sounds like a coffee shop run by foreigners.

I wonder if anyone’s watching me, from behind me or from across the aisles. Who is that man? They well might ask themselves. See how he ignores the in-flight entertainment in favor of his game. This bad boy must play by his own rules. One day, god willing, perhaps I will put my mouth on him.

Earphone pain level: gently running a rusty file across one’s cheek for several hours

Hour 5

It’s grass. It’s clearly grass. It’s a little bit blue, but it’s grass. But I can’t walk on it. Or jump on it. Not even with the high jump. I’m not sure I can deal with your invisible wall blue grass bullshit, Nintendo. I think those kids in front of me might be in on this.

Hour 6

The bros are hugging after a short period of estrangement. What a pair of girls. I never get hugs and I’m not complaining. Perfectly happy here alone on my row wrapped in little black bitter cocoon. Eyes itch. Ears hurt. Quietly impressed by DS battery life.

Hour 7

Died again. Fifteen minutes wasted. Child in front of me watching Dora the Explorer. Eerie coincidence. Kicked his headrest to let him know I’m onto him.

Hour 8

meep meep

Conclusion

Regrettably, this is where my notes ended, trailing off into unintelligible scratchings and what I think may be a Sumerian demon-summoning ritual, but in answer to the initial question, yes, a Mario RPG is a good thing to have on a long plane flight, but it is definitely not a good thing to play the same game for 8 hours while subsisting entirely on vodka tonics. I tried to get through a flight with Mario 64 DS a while back but it couldn’t hold my interest, and I woke up at the end to find someone’s teeth strung around my neck, so I find it’s best to stick to something long, unchallenging and story-based. I also brought Hotel Dusk, for example, but I’m saving that one for the 22-hour flight next week. That, and a staggering collection of prescription drugs.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn’t talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.