image

I received a few emails this weekend regarding my online behavior over the weekend:

“I swear you were hacking in on Team Fortress 2 this weekend. How do you headshot invisible spies from across the map?”
AvsJoe

Let me explain:

Three years ago, after a messy divorce, I got custody of the only other living thing in our apartment, a cat named Muffin. Adult Mexilians can grow up to 50% larger than a typical housecat. The cat is a special breed of Mexican Mountain Lynx and Short Haired Sicilian Tabby commonly referred to as the Mexilian. Their pedigree makes them 99% infertile, but in an ironic twist, they are in-heat nine months out of the year. Mexilians will try to couple with other animals regardless of breed, gender, size or species. This, coupled with its relatively large size, makes for some socially awkward situations. This is especially true during the fall months, and has made hosting a Super Bowl party at my apartment nearly impossible.

You’ve probably already guessed that I am not fond of the cat. The truth is that I have kept it around because it sends Jehovah’s Witnesses running, and it is the only thing in this world my ex-wife hates more than me. This last week, however, Muffin the Mexilian’s concern for the legs of visitors was replaced by an unhealthy interest in my new G14 keyboard, usually while I was using it. Fighting with a 20lb cat for control of your computer is not a good idea. This is why on Sunday night I went over to my friend’s house to watch TV and escape the constant copulation.

Now I am not saying that Mexilians enjoy some sort of preternatural intelligence, but I returned home to find the computer turned on and the browser open to a site containing unspeakable feline sexual acts (Do they call it kitty porn, I wonder). At first, I believed that a burglar with an animal fetish had broken into my house and used the computer, but later discovered a charge on my credit card for two $340 bags of Japanese Kobe Beef cat food.

Stranger than any of this, someone had downloaded a Japanese game called Doku Doku Cat Incest and a program called TF2aimhack.exe.

I am sincerely sorry to anyone who was caught in the cat shenanigans which included stalking of people on my Steam list and trying to make them ragequit. I am also not responsible for those 50 Twitter updates of 240-character Star Trek TNG slash-fiction or that awkward half-crying email, in which eternal love was expressed for my editor. I swear, I was at my friend’s house and not at home on a three-day bender drinking bottle after bottle of mescaline-laced tequila. Who would do that?

image

An erotic game publisher in Japan released a game that comes complete with a bra-and-jubblies peripheral that allows men to appreciate what it’s like to be a G-cup, without all the hassle of back pain and stares from disgusting perverts just like them. No one thought that major game publishers would think about copying the idea.

Not one to be outdone in wacky controllers, Nintendo has been hard at work on a new device for the Wii that allows women to “experience their masculine side.” The Wii-Penis (Or Wiinis) comes with a special pair of shorts that makes for easy attachment of the Wii Remote. Developers of the device say that it’s the perfect companion for the Wii Sports Resort Swordplay mini-game, My Horse and Me, or Blastoff to Uranus: Maximum Thrust Edition.

image

An arraignment hearing is expected to take place this week for French President, Nicolas Sarcozy, who was charged with piracy. It was discovered that he had made 100 copies of a song by MGMT and distributed them amongst his campaign staff. The charge carries a hefty fine and even prison time, but legal experts expect the charges to be reduced after being told the band’s name.

The arrest comes only a month after Prime Minister Sarcozy’s rock-star wife pushed her husband to enact tougher laws to counter what she perceived as a threat to the royalties of massive music corporations.

Prosecutors are also looking into whether the prime minister broke French irony laws, which could mean years of hard labor touring with MGMT until eventually fading into obscurity and eventually overdosing in a dirty Minneapolis Motel 8.

image

Is EA having second thoughts about the appeal of their new epic heavy metal game Brutal Legend? If the newest game-changing DLC for the game is any indication, then it seems likely. A leaked track list for Brutal Legend includes: Razorlight, Nickelback, Oasis, and Tokio Hotel.

When contacted, our source at EA told us that the game just didn’t appeal to younger gamers. He also suggested that EA is offering replacement music to customers who only liked heavy metal ironically and were much more interested in artists wearing mascara and enough hair-product to ensure their instant incineration if they ever got too close to an open flame.

Tim Schafer was not available to comment due to prior a commitment dusting off his Whitesnake albums.

image

Is Assassin’s Creed III set in WWII? Sources close to the company says it’s unlikely due to contract that the company signed with advertisers after losing 30 percent of their financing from Ubisoft in 2009.

The studio expects to take certain liberties with the game’s setting in order to fulfill their obligations to creditors. Ben Jarring has alluded that the next Assassin’s Creed will be set in an Atlanta Hooters. While I am not exactly sure how that will work, I am looking forward to garroting that loud-mouth jerk who gets drunk and demands that the waitresses “show them their boobs.” For crying out loud guys, it’s a restaurant, not a strip club.

French publisher Ubisoft, denied that they were using the commitment to advertisers as a way to avoid yet another game in which France surrenders to Germany.

Marion Cox is breaking the law, breaking the law, breaking the law.

Comments

Leave a reply

You may also like