Reliable Source: Boobs, Gabe Newell, and Boobs

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In a move that defied conventional marketing wisdom, the Chinese gold-selling company Universal Multiplayer Game Entertainment opted to change the name of their online turn-based civilization clone Evony to Boobs Online. Though widely thought of as a bold strategy, critics of the name change think that this change will have little or no effect on the company’s profit margin and could actually repel internet users who find breasts offensive.

“What gamers really want is a platform to pay for make-believe status and items, thinly disguised as a turn based strategy game. The Idea that anyone would be so easily manipulated by a pair of breasts is ridiculous,” said a marketing analyst while ordering a beer hat he found in a copy of Maxim magazine.

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Gabe Newell’s Mom Explains Episode 3 Delay

After waiting nearly three years for the final episode of Half-Life 2, gamers have become concerned that Valve has become too distracted with other projects like Left for Dead 2 and countless free Team Fortress 2 updates to put any serious work into the final episode of Half-Life 2, a game that was originally released over five years ago. Most concerned is Gabe’s mother who has been trying to get him to buckle down and get his work done.

“Whenever I ask him about Episode 3 he always tells me it’s done, but when I check his design documents I find out that he hasn’t even started. He’s a good kid but he’s too easily distracted. I mean, there was the short-lived interest in peewee soccer, that delayed the game for a while, and then he got in a fight with little Bobby Kotick over that silly PS3 thing. If he doesn’t start really focusing on his work and stop this fighting nonsense, I am afraid I will have to take away his World of Warcraft account,” said Mrs. Newell with a disapproving scowl.

Gabe Newell was not available for this interview due to an emergency alphabetizing session of his Pokémon cards.


CDC Says Game Addicts Fat, Depressed

The CDC released findings from a study which followed the lifestyles and habits of 500 people aged 19-90. The study found that the participants who played games tended to be overweight and were more likely to be depressed than non-gamers.

The study also suggests that gamers were more likely to turn to the internet for emotional support. This reliance on the internet lead to problems such as uncomfortable chat logs where the study participant was found blubbering about a bad breakup or being overweight. However the study found that many of the problems associated with instant communication could be avoided by simply drinking yourself stupid at a local bar and pouring out your most embarrassing secrets to the first stranger who can stand the stink of rum.

“I resent the implications that gamers are not social. My friends and I go to the Cheescake Factory once a week to talk about our World of Warcraft guild. I don’t believe this study is at all conclusive or represents any gamers I know personally. I could lose this weight anytime I wanted to, I just need to get the energy to pull the WiiFit out of its plastic wrap,” said Lee Hopper, while eating a stale Cheeto off the floor.


Parent Group Combat Videogame Violence

PVFA (Parents for a Violence Free America), a national advocacy group responsible for attacks on game studios that produce violent videogames is growing more vocal in its concern over videogame violence and how it might affect their children’s behavior. Taking a cue from other political extremist groups, the PVFA has threatened violence against the makers of games they deem lewd or violent.

Speaking on behalf of the group, President Randy Bowyer said “This is the only way we can protect our children from the evils of videogame violence. It’s our plan to target the worst offenders first and then move on to casual designers too. Games like Bookwork Adventures which teaches children to murder fairy tale creatures while learning to spell. That’s two things we can’t abide!”
Already one designer was attacked by a chainsaw wielding member of PVFA in the parking lot of his Redmond workplace. Police are characterizing the attack as “brutal and ironic.”


Yoko Ono Not Happy with Breaking up Beatles, Moves on to Harmonix

Chris Foster, one of the lead designers on The Beatles: Rock Band, recently complained that Yoko Ono’s sudden interest in the game had made it very difficult to finish.

“First she suggested that each of The Beatles be represented by their spirit animal, and she wouldn’t back down until we agreed to motion-cap a walrus playing the guitar – do you know how hard that is? We must have gone through six buckets of herring before we got it right.”
Foster, visibly shaken by the experience, also said, “There were many previously unheard songs and footage included that she asked to be dropped from the game as well, including Sir Paul McCartney’s Baby, She’s Your Shrill Tuneless Harpy Now, and a number of interviews in which George Harrison gives advice on places Yoko might want to visit in the afterlife.”

We at Reliable Source have also learned that Foster was asked to lie naked with Yoko, during a promotional photo shoot for Rolling Stone magazine, and then was asked to fire one of his best programmers because Yoko felt that he was dragging the production studio down.

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