Local Man Gives Fair Warning to Wife
Local resident Joel Alexander is trying something new after last year’s disastrous gaming season. He’s taken a restraining order out against his wife and children in hopes that he will be able to play through the overabundance of games scheduled for this holiday season.
“I did this because last year was just a mess,” said the 35 year old engineer and father of two. “I had barely gotten out of Megaton when my youngest daughter needed help with her homework. But this year things will be different. I have stocked my study with canned food, bottled water, dry rations, and a chemical toilet. I expect to get through the 10-15 games this winter without incident or interruption. I know the children will miss their father, but I’d like to reassure them that it’s all for the best.”
In the end the joke may be on Joel, since many of the games he was expecting to play have been delayed until next year.
Activision Boss Found Bewildered
The head of Activision, Bobby Kotick, was found wandering the streets of Prague chanting in some ancient language after a recent press conference where he gave a speech about how people like sequels and almost nobody likes new fresh, ideas.
When asked by reporters how he could say such vile, despicable things, Kotick boomed in an unearthly voice “I am commanded to serve my lord and master M’gathagadon the bringer of eternal darkness. I must obey!”
“That explains it,” said a senior editor at Reliable Source, who, completely tired of demonically possessed CEOs making huge generalizations just to milk their tenuous celebrity status, had a really good lunch followed by a couple drinks with a friend and didn’t think about Bobby Kotick for a week.
Man Found Dead of Multi-media Overexposure
Ryan O’Connell was found dead on the floor of his apartment on Wednesday by a neighbor. The neighbor found the 24 year old dead on the floor of his kitchen, apparently attempting to dial 911 after suffering an overdose of technology.
“It appears that the victim was attempting to watch his HDTV, play PS3, listen to an iPod, while in a conference call with his EVE Online guild and twittering about the length of his nipple hair, all while trying to hold six instant messenger conversations,” said lead investigator Lt. Daniel Wellings. “There are limits to how far you can push your brain until it explodes. Ryan is just another casualty in the growing number of media overexposure deaths each year.”
We at Reliable Source have obtained a transcript of Ryan’s final words to a close friend he met just moments before his death:
Elana69: Hey sexy I saw your profile and thought you were hot.
Elana69: You should check out my webcam.
xxKiller_Conner: Wut? Are you a fatty?
Elana69: My friends and I are waiting!
xxKiller_Conner: I feel dizzy. Is the world spinning to you too?
Elana69: Click here if you want to see me get naked.
Elana69: What are you waiting for? Hot sexy girls are just a click away!
Wolfenstein Multiplayer Team Given the Gift of Unemployment
Raven Software followed America’s Army’s example on Tuesday when they gave an extended holiday to their multiplayer developers, Endrant Studios, on the day the game was released.
“In today’s volatile economy we thought it was best to offer the team that sweated blood and tears to get this game out on time the stability and security that only comes with being unemployed. No longer do they have to worry about things like coming in to work or cashing those annoying monthly paychecks.”
Still, things are good for the Endrant team considering Nintendo ordered their employees who worked on the Virtual Boy to committing ritual suicide by disembowelment.
Xbox360 54.2% Failure Rate
Microsoft revealed this Friday that 54.2% Xbox360 owners had failed to properly care for their machines. The report comes merely days after an independent study from Game Informer that alleged the machine had some sort of intrinsic flaw that caused the machine to fail.
One of Microsoft’s experts, Rodney Richardson, had this to say on the misunderstanding:
“It’s important that Xbox360 consumers know our machine is a delicate piece of technology and is not meant to be treated like a toy. Special care and handling must be taken if you expect to get the full life out of your 360. One of the most important tips I can give Xbox owners is to never use it in ways it wasn’t meant to be used. Connecting to the internet or playing games can cause defects. I know it seems like common sense but even turning it on may damage the machine irreparably. If you do, you are taking a very serious risk with this highly sensitive equipment and may be voiding the warranty.”