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I heard you were recently at Rockstar Studios. How did you get past security, and did you learn anything about GTA 5?
Lord_Ascendant

I’m pleased to say that my years as a CIA field agent have finally paid off. An area contact informed me that the Houser brothers were having a party to celebrate the start of the next installment of Grand Theft Auto. Twelve hours later I had infiltrated the party disguised as an overweight caterer named Chuck Kowolski. The following is a transcript of my interview with the creative designer on the project, Greg Williams. I warn you, I had to go to some extreme lengths to get this information from Mr. Williams, and some of the following may be unsuitable for those with weak stomachs.

RS: Rise and shine Gregory, how do you like the party so far?

Williams: Huh? Who are you? Where am I?

RS: Where you are is not important. All you need to know is that you’re in good hands and these sort of interviews only have a fourteen-percent fatality rate.

Williams: Why am I handcuffed to the chair?

RS: It’s for your own protection. Now it’s my turn to ask the questions. You’re the brains behind the upcoming installment of Grand Theft Auto, please tell me: what are some lessons learned from GTA 4?

Williams: What’s that hose for?

RS: You don’t want to find out. Answer the question, Greg.

Williams: Urrr…Well we learned early on that players really loved the mundane activities in the game: watching TV, answering the phone every five minutes, and surfing the internet. Why do you have a bucket?

RS: Keep talking…

Williams: W-w-we’re going to expand a lot of these mundane tasks. There will be more realistic relationships with items and NPCs as well. Players will nearly spend every minute of the game balancing their nagging girlfriends with murdering prostitutes and robbing elderly people. Oh my god, is that…what is that thing?

RS: The Germans called it the Pfefferminz Seitenwagen, but I like to think of it as an eyeball extractor. Does your team have any plans for the integration of Microsoft’s Natal?

Williams: You’re not going to use that on me are you?

RS: If you cooperate, and keep answering the questions, I won’t have to. Now, I’ll ask you one more time…are there any plans to integrate the Natal?

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RS: Now, I’ll ask you one more time…are there any plans to integrate the Natal?

Williams: Y-yes. sure do! The player will be able to hotwire cars, flip off cops, and the reintroduction of the controversial Hot Coffee mode buried deep within the code that will conveniently be found just as the controversy surrounding the game’s main protagonist, a crack-smoking transsexual trucker named Priscilla, has died down.

RS: What about new content? Will DLC play a major role in your next game?

Williams: Sure, DLC has been a staple of the franchise since early in 2009. We’re really excited about day-one DLC. Dragon Age has really set the standard for pay-to-play content. Our core game will be about 6 hours long, but if players are interested in playing more, they can unlock new areas of the map for 800-1600 Microsoft Points. We’ve seamlessly worked the DLC into toll bridges, so players who want to unlock a new area can simply fork over some real money and go to a new island.

RS: Some say that GTA 4 was about viewing America through the eyes of an immigrant; a story which mirrored the [Rockstar founders] Houser brother’s own experiences of emigrating to the U.S. What are your thoughts on this?

Williams: Actually, don’t think any of us thought about the story at all. We all got really tanked on vodka one night and when we woke up the next morning we found the plot to GTA 4 written on Dan’s chest with a Sharpie.

RS: I know our readers really want to know where the next GTA will be set, so, if you please, enlighten us.

Williams: You really don’t need that branding iron! GTA 5 is set in [sounds of distant gunfire].

RS: Operation Turkey Baster has been compromised, I repeat Operation Turkey Baster has been compromised, commence with Protocol X, drop the package.

While Mr. Marion Cox is extracted from deep cover, read on for stories concerning John Mayer, Modern Warfare 2 in Africa, and teen videogame violence.

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Martin Beryl, a forty-something game designer, wants to bring Bob Dylan to Singstar. Sources said that he had the idea after attending a Japanese Karaoke night with his family.

In his Livejournal blog, Beryl says, “I mean, as I watched my teenage daughter trying to sing Band of the Hand I realized that the 60s had so much better music than the crap these days. Sure, Dylan was nearly incomprehensible at times, but at least he was trying to say something. Listen to any one of Lady Gaga’s songs. What is a ‘disco stick’ anyway? It’s complete nonsense. Imagine how amazing it would be to share one of the most influential singer/songwriters of the 60s with today’s youth market.”

“Of course there are challenges to overcome,” continued Beryl. Dylan’s unique vocal stylings may take some remastering to grab the attention of our demographic of talentless teens in search of instant gratification. Maybe we should get John Mayer to do some covers. That would sell, right?”

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Last week, Bobby Kotick was overheard telling a friend that he was disappointed with MW2 sale in certain regions of Africa. Our source suggested that Kotick was probably talking about the Fruthruthu tribe in the western Congolese jungle of Sheeoba Tilikili, a small African tribe that barely even heard about the game’s controversial airport scene.

We contacted the tribal leaders who had this to say:

“No, Activision’s PR team really didn’t drop the ball on this game,” Said Chief Iso Abena. “We’ve heard of Modern Warfare 2, but since the game costs nearly three times more than our entire tribe makes in a year, we will keep playing our copy of NASCAR ’08 given to us by UNICEF. That is, until a platinum version of Mew Two is released, or Africa rises above poverty and starvation, whichever comes first.”

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A teenager accused with stabbing a man in the face 37 times with an ice pick, eating the man’s spleen, and then hoisting his mangled body up the flagpole of the state library has blamed this violent act on videogames. His entire defense is that he went over to his friend’s home and watched him play a strange Japanese game named Katamari Damacy, which our experts say translates into “Stab Fun Murder Rapist” in English.

Upon hearing these facts, the court released the teen and called for an immediate moratorium on all games, in the hope that all violence in the world ever would end forever. “This ruling has nothing to do with my deep mistrust of technology or my xenophobia,” said the judge. “The court had a chance to set a precedent, and show the world that games are causing teens to commit extreme acts of violence.”

Marion Cox would like to thank Logan Westbrook for his continued support and friendship.

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