Hey Mr. Cox, what is a good way to break into game Journalism?
– Armitage Shanks
These days, the industry is becoming harder to become a part of as more and more talentless hacks like yourself spoil it for the rest of us. However, if you’re reading this column you’re obviously the sort of enlightened person who deserves to know the secrets of into the games industry.
1. Hone your writing skills. I suggest starting small. Whether it’s writing a 2000 word review of a triple-A title in Iambic Tetrameter or erotic fiction featuring a homoerotic subtext between Master Chief and Solid Snake, it’s best to get as much feedback as you can. While receiving that criticism, you should trust your instincts. Remember, no one understands your writing better than you do. If they don’t like your writing, they obviously don’t get what you’re trying to do.
2. Find a publication for which you want to work. Start by eliminating periodicals you think don’t live up to your high standards. A good rule of thumb is: “If the periodical you are reading has more text than pictures it’s probably full of elitist intellectuals.”
Once you’ve chosen a magazine/website that doesn’t suck, use your favorite search engine to find out the publication’s editor’s name, where they work and, if possible, a photograph. Most of this information is easy enough to find, but an enterprising “personal information enthusiast” will be able to find schedules of the conventions they’ll be attending, family photographs and even a place of residence.
3. Approach your target. In the game industry, it’s important to be personable and knowledgeable; make sure you have prepared something witty and game-related to say. There are plenty of staples to choose from, but I suggest, “The cake is a lie!” or “All your base are belong to us.”
If you’re initially turned away, don’t fret – it’s all about persistence. If they don’t love you right away, I am sure they will eventually. Remember, editors are not people and have no personal space or rights to privacy. In fact, most editors love being approached by unqualified amateurs in search of their dream job.
4. Now that you’re a real game journalist, it’s time to rest on your laurels and enjoy a job which mainly consists of bragging about playing new games before your friends do and eating candy. Make sure you take some of that industry kickback money and spend it on a Macintosh Powerbook. This allows you to work on your werewolf/vampire romance novel while sipping on your five-dollar soy mochachino at Starbucks in your free time.
Follow these simple steps and you will find yourself hobnobbing with Brian Crecente, Clifford Bleszinski, and Michael Pachter at those secret game industry sex parties.
Read on for gossip about new Borderlands DLC, leaked Sony DRM code and the touching story of an Eastern European album artist known only as Flskgjekgh Fghrife.
Sources inside the White House said that President Obama was seriously looking at a new policy for retaining homosexual service members. Obama has already said that the controversial “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy needs to go, but has yet to publicly outline a competent strategy to maintain troop morale once that policy is rescinded.
Our source made a brief statement about the possible legislation: “We looked at a lot of strategies for dealing with this sensitive issue. A policy that crossed our desk early in the process was the popular PC game Counterstrike’s ‘Don’t be Gay’ policy. The policy has been highly effective at retaining players regardless of their sexual orientation. We think there are a great many lessons to be learned from this passionate community.”
Another game-inspired plan The White House may have on the table is a “Don’t startle the witch” policy. Some internal sources claim that it is more of an “around-the-office” policy regarding Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, but sources would not confirm or deny that.
Undaunted by the task of making Borderland’s weapons even less special, the creative team is already hard at work on a DLC pack that will quadruple the already 87 million weapon combinations through creative use of invented adjectives and an underused bit of syntax.
Hans Munche, director of creative grammar for Gearbox Studios, took the time to sit down with us and give us an exclusive statement about the upcoming DLC.
“All this time, developers have been ignoring the adverb,” Munche stated. “For far too long, the adverb has been ignored by purists who think that the suffix, -ly, is for sissies. That bothers us, and it’s why we are committed to bringing the adverb to mainstream gamers in our next DLC pack.”
He continued, “If there is one thing we’ve learned, it’s that gamers love lengthy strings of meaningless words before a made-up noun. Sure, it may shoot like a shotgun and have largely the same statistics as all the other shotguns in the game, but this is a Flumfy Demispreader of Disapprovingly Spiteful Wrath, how can you not love that?”
Reliable Source contributor, Robert Harnar, confirmed that there were indeed 348,000,000 unique weapon combinations in the upcoming DLC pack, but was later found dead of Numberylitis, a rare disease that targets people who count over 100.
A leaked Sony code study suggests that stroke-inducing DRM is only a few years off.
Coders have been digging through Sony’s Blu-Ray code and have discovered the framework for an advanced form of DRM that could send would-be pirates into epileptic shock, cause blindness or even death in some cases.
When contacted for comment, Sony said, “Nothing is set in stone. Right now, this DRM is still in the development stages. However, in tests, our new DRM is showing real potential. It has reduced piracy by nearly 100 percent for games using its unique protection scheme.”
“Unlike other forms of DRM, it will not only stop piracy, but also the hearts of the offenders. That means networks, once bogged down by file-sharers, will run faster. I don’t know about you, but we look forward to the day when we can return the internet to middle-aged men who just want to check their online bank statements and watch porn,” the Sony rep continued.
An odd combination of letters tops Google Trends’ search for the second week as the world goes through the longest humor drought seen since the poet, Perry Midwinter, died while attempting to tell a joke to the Duchess of Cornwood in 1802 about a Scot and Irishman playing golf on the beach.
The word, Fslkgjekgh, has had nearly twelve million hits since first appearing on Google Trends, and its popularity doesn’t seem to be waning. The trending topic seems to have started with an inebriated Canadian man who, having run out of fun things to search for, decided to randomly hit keys and check the results on Google. The trend quickly spread as users posted the links to their Twitter feeds and Facebook walls.
But that’s not all; the search trend has generated massive sales for a Mr.Flskgjekgh Fghrife, a musician and poet from the country of Fefjkistan. The singer/songwriter’s first album, Fhljghgfk Sfkwfh Fhiuhc, which loosely translates to “Songs of my National Dish: Delicious Rice Gruel” has already topped charts in parts of Europe and is highly lauded by American post-folk indie scenesters who refuse to listen to anything even remotely appealing to anyone other than themselves.
Marion Cox feels that the time he used writing this tagline would be better spent playing Dragon Age.
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