Reliable Source: Perverts, Pretenders and Other Alliteration


Police Raid Drug Den, Bowl 250

Law enforcement officials in Polk County, Florida, raided a known drug dealer’s home on Tuesday. After securing the house, the police turned their attention to the entertainment center, where they collected evidence by investigating the Nintendo Wii.

“This sort of investigation really requires the officers to get into the head of the suspect,” said Lt. Churchman. “That’s why our officers spent a great deal of time getting into this particular suspect’s head today. During our 8-hour raid of the house, McKinney nearly bowled a 250 in Wii Bowling. I look forward to coming back here when this guy gets out in 3-5 years and doing it all over again.”

The commissioner was particularly proud of his force, saying, “It always amazes me to see how my troops find time to hone their skills as police officers. If McKinney does that well against the 8th precinct bowling team this weekend, I’m pretty sure he’ll earn his stripes this winter.”

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GTA Copycat Injured

A local man was injured today after trying to recreate a hooker-killing he had seen in GTA 4. Unfortunately for him, the veteran prostitute he had approached noticed the assortment of weapons in the back seat of his rusted ’98 Sabre, and quickly slashed his face with a razor before he could re-enact a scene from GTA 4. The scene features a flamethrower-wielding protagonist chasing a lady-of-the-evening through an abandoned parking lot, shouting that the woman better have his money.

“No prostitute worth her tip would get in a car with a guy trying to conceal a chainsaw in his jacket,” said the woman, who would only identify herself as Trixye. “This guy was small time; I once saw a trick wearing a gimp suit holding a giant purple dildo try to paraglide from a plane onto one of the local girls. Now that’s how you kill a hooker, none of this small-time chainsaw sh*t.”

The man received 25 stitches and swears that if he ever recreates a scene from a videogame again, it’ll be from Guitar Hero.


Reliable Personals: Get Paid to Play With Me

I am looking for an 18-23 year old World of Warcraft player to farm honor, run instances, and grind hard in the arena with. I will pay 15 dollars an hour while we play online and up to 40 dollars to come over and play at my house.

All I ask from applicants is that they know how to get down in three to five man parties, are willing to solo, and must be epically mounted. If you think you can take the pressure of being ridden hard by a hardcore bear druid, mail me at [email protected]. Please include 8 x 10 glossy photos, shirt optional.

Please, no gold spam.


Buddhist Leader Takes Aggression Out in Games

The Karmapa Lama, a Buddhist leader, wrote recently that games were an excellent way of taking out aggression. He even likened it to a kind of meditation. However, since he received an Xbox for Buddha’s birthday, the Karmapa Lama has reportedly become increasingly anti-social and aggressive.

Many of the Karmapa Lama’s followers say that they are scared to even talk to his holiness after last week’s incident, where he threw a controller, wounding a monk who suggested that he would better serve the congregation by attending the evening meditation.

None of the monks would speak to us directly for fear of reprisal, but an audio recording of what is supposedly the Karmapa Lama playing ODST was sent anonymously to our offices in India:

“Jesus [expletive deleted] Christ, that [expletive deleted] head is [expletive deleted] spawn-camping! Oh for [expletive deleted] sake! Again with the [expletive deleted] sniper rifle.”


Crackdown on Fake Twitter Accounts

With the recent rash of fake Twitter celebrities, it came as no shock to many that the official Obama Twitter feed might not be real. One user tipped off Twitter administrators after reading the following tweet from the president’s “official” Twitter feed:

“economy sucks; I wanna kill your grandmother lolololololol…”

The user stated: “I started suspecting that something was wrong when the president started quoting Lil’ Wayne lyrics and calling Hillary Clinton his ‘ho.’ It was the kind of stuff that I felt could be mistaken for something the president might actually say, so I had to act quickly to prevent a major White House scandal.”

But not all of the reported Twitter feeds have come back fake. It was originally thought that Kanye West’s twitter feed was also bogus, but fans of the rap star quickly pointed out that the ignorant, self-promoting rubbish spewed from the twitter feed could really only come from Kanye himself.

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