What can I say about Haze that hasn’t been said already? Probably something like, “Nargles blinken pip toot toot!” I bet nobody’s ever said that before.
Haze teaches us that doing drugs is bad unless the drugs help you murder people, and that corporations that ask you to dress up like a bumblebee are inherently evil and should all die. I think this is a message that will really resonate with today’s youth, by which I mean “people who are younger than me and still have all their hair and thus should go f*** themselves.”
This probably explains why the game isn’t any damn fun. It’s just an elaborate public service announcement. Smokey the Bear teaches us not to burn down the forest, Captain Planet teaches us not to dump oil in the ocean, Lucky the Leprechaun teaches us how hilarious it is to make a mockery of Irish culture at breakfast, and Haze teaches us not to do drugs when we’re murdering people.
Travis Taylor is a longtime writer for Gamepunx magazine, where he reviews games and alienates readers by replying to earnest fanmail with senselessly vicious personal attacks. You can reach him at [email protected].