Love FAQ

The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts


LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].

Dear Love FAQ,

I’m a gay geek. I’ve been out of the closet since I turned 15. My problem is, I’m quite straight acting: I’m short, muscular and I like a bit of scruff on my face. I don’t talk “gay” or act it in any way.

The result is I never get hit on by guys outside of dating sites. I get hit on by girls quite often, so I’m sure it isn’t my looks. But guys tend to label me as “straight” and move on. A woman at work even went so far as to insinuate I only pretend to be gay so I can get closer to girls. Sigh.

Dating sites are nice, but I find that meeting people live often works better. But unless I make the first move I don’t get noticed.

I don’t want to “camp” myself up for the sake of others. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with being effeminate, but it just isn’t me. So … help?

–The Gaymer

Dear Gaymer:

Didn’t Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog teach you anything? Don’t hide who you are just to get laid; it’ll only backfire on you – or Felicia Day.

You say that gay men tend to “write you off” as straight. Are you letting them know otherwise? Nobody says you have to affect a lisp, or tattoo a rainbow on your forehead. But if you’re chatting up a cute guy, do you ever just say, “Hey, you’re hot. Want to grab dinner sometime?”

Boom: Queerocity established. Mission accomplished.

Not getting hit on is a problem that transcends gender and sexuality — some people, for whatever reason, just don’t get approached. It’s nothing on you; maybe you just attract shy guys. That’s why, in these situations, it’s best to grab the dice and roll for initiative. If you’re not getting hit on by others, then you go hit on them first.

Yes, it’s nerve-wracking and awkward, I know – doubly so for queer geeks, since you’re a minority within a minority. If you’re worried about that, you might feel more comfortable sticking to where you know gay men congregate. Gay bars are an obvious bet, but if you’re not comfortable with the bar scene, try queer-only Meetups, community groups, even LGBT WoW guilds.

Everyone finds a man with balls sexy. It’s science.

As for your coworker, if she’s stupid enough to think you’re pretending to be gay to get chicks (someone listens to too much Bloodhound Gang), then the problem isn’t with you. It’s with her. Don’t waste your time on it. Be like Honey Badger. Just don’t give a shit.

Dear Love FAQ,

How does one handle running across the OKCupid profiles of acquaintances or friends? Acknowledge you saw it? Leave it be completely? Or agree to some kind of blood pact, never to speak of it again?

–It Can’t Be Unseen

Dear Can’t Be Unseen:

Depends on the friend, of course, but in general, online dating is like hitch-hiking. If you don’t want to flag down the passing car and get on, then get the hell off the road. Jumping in front will just get messy.

Dear Love FAQ,

I’m a 21 year old male, entering my senior year of college. I’m a normal guy: I play guitar, enjoy the outdoors, do monthly drills with the Army Reserve, and so on. Yet, after three years at a school famous for its party scene and attractive women, I’m still a virgin.

Not that I’m inexperienced – a bit slow, perhaps (I didn’t have my first kiss until my 20th birthday), but I’m no stranger to sexual activity. I’ve just never gone “all the way.”

Needless to say, it’s not easy being – apparently – the only virgin my age. After catching flak for it, I eventually started lying about it so people would stop asking. It worked. Trouble is, I kept lying even after I started dating a girl from one of my classes.

I really like her – she’s attractive, smart, funny and, most importantly, I can be myself around her. As it happens, she’s also a virgin. We’ve fooled around a bit, but obviously haven’t had sex. I’m pretty certain she buys my charade, though; after all, could she really know better?

I’ve kept this lie up for so long that I’ve grown used to it. And part of me wants to keep it up. In the event we do have sex, I could quietly lose my virginity. No one would be the wiser.

However, I feel I need to tell the truth. I’m 21 now, a year from graduation, and as a soldier, I should put honor and integrity first above everything. Only now do I realize how deep a hole I dug, because I’m afraid I may lose the first girl I’ve really liked in years. I’d be crushed if I lost her.

So how do I tell her that I lied, about something so trivial yet so significant?


Never Actually Licked A Lamppost In Winter


Being a virgin really isn’t that big of a deal, and despite what you think, you’re not the only one your age. Obviously. After all, you’re dating one, aren’t you?

Tremendous pressure exists, especially in college, to seem more sexually experienced than you are – that there must be something wrong with you if you’re not jackhammering every wriggling flesh-lump in sight. But sex isn’t a leaderboard. Don’t let your friends convince you otherwise.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren’t founded on falsehoods. So to tell her, start with what you’ve told me:

? I lied.
? This is why I lied.
? I’m sorry.
? Can you forgive me?

Keep it matter-of-fact, short and sweet. Explain why you lied, but don’t make excuses for yourself. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your mistake.

She may be so mad that your lie becomes a deal-breaker. Or she might understand completely, and your confession simply brings the two of you closer. I don’t know. You’ve dated her for months. You tell me.

Either way, it’s not an excuse to stay silent. If she can’t forgive you, then chalk it up as a lesson learned. But if she does forgive you, so much the better.

Because the sooner you tell her, the sooner the make-up sex can begin.

Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor – just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don’t take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.

Got a burning question (or a question about burning) for LoveFAQ? Send your emails to [email protected]. All submissions are confidential and anonymous.

About the author