LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].
Dear Love FAQ,
A few months ago I dated this bisexual girl. We went out for about 5 weeks, before she broke up with me in a very strange way: She told me she only dated me to see if she was capable of being in a relationship with a guy. Evidently, she couldn’t.
I got angry at her, mostly because I felt like she used me. Eventually I got over her, but there’s this anger and uneasy feeling I get whenever someone asks about her. I don’t know why.
I want to stay friends with her, but all I feel is anger. What should i do?
Dumped for FemShep
You’re allowed to feel upset. You *were* used. You were a glorified dildo, tossed away once this girl deciphered her own sexual confusion, and nobody likes to feel disposable.
But your persistent anger seems out of proportion for a relationship that lasted barely over a month. Are you really that upset about being used? Or are you more worried about what her decision to date ladies forevermore says about you?
It doesn’t say *anything* about you, you should know. Her preferring pussy isn’t a personal attack on your manhood. It’s just what she likes. And far better that she acknowledge her preferences now, after just five weeks, than wait another five months to tell you – or five years.
Sure, it wasn’t the nicest or classiest thing she could have done. But it’s also not easy being confused about your sexuality, or so ashamed of it that you can’t help but work through your issues at another’s expense. So I say this with kindness: Just let it go. Clinging to your hurt feelings just isn’t worth it, and it will only poison your heart and mind instead.
That said, if you’re that hurt, don’t even bother attempting to remain her friend. You aren’t somehow better or more mature as a person if you can stomach a conversation with someone whose thighs were once wrapped around your head. Staying friends with exes is overrated: It works for some people, but not for most, and it’s not like you get an Xbox Achievement either way.
You’ve got nothing to prove. To her, or yourself. Just move on.
My girlfriend and I usually agree on pretty much everything. If not, we calmly talk about the issue at hand and set about on fixing it. So why am I writing to you?
We can’t decide at all what to watch when it comes to TV, so she just chooses what she wants to watch and I have to suffer through it.
I keep trying to introduce her to shows like Arrested Development or Firefly, but she says she’s just not interested in starting a new show. So she picks out an episode of Voyager to re-watch. Again.
I feel like she’s not taking into consideration that I might want to watch what I’d like to watch once in a while. But I’m nervous about making a big issue out of this, because she might just consider it to be not that much of an issue, then ignore it. What should I do?
You CAN Take The Sky From Me
Just tell her. You don’t have to make a huge deal of it, of course. But if you don’t tell her what’s bothering you, then you can’t in all fairness complain that she ignored your feelings. After all, she’s not a mind reader, no matter how in sync your tastes may be.
Even after you tell her, though, be aware that she may still have no desire to try out Arrested Development or Firefly. You may like these shows, but their appeal isn’t universal, and she may also worry that she’ll disappoint you if she doesn’t enjoy either show as much as you.
Instead, you may find her more willing to experiment with something more neutral, a show neither of you has seen before. For example, if she likes space-dramas featuring strong women in leadership roles, then what about Battlestar Galactica or Farscape? And if you like snarky, ensemble humor with a dash of absurdity, try Better Off Ted or Chuck.
But at the end of the day, if all she wants to do is curl up on the couch and re-watch Voyager for the seventeenth time, then you should just *let her*. Clearly she wants the comfort of the familiar, and nobody says you must sit there with her. Go do something else. Couples don’t have to do everything together. You aren’t the Borg. Yet.
Dear Love FAQ,
I just started college this year, and in the first few days I met this really cool girl. I can tell she likes me and I really like her. I really want to ask her out. In fact, I was planning to do that last night, but in conversation, she mentioned to me that her roommate got into a relationship three days after she met some guy, which she thinks is rushing it. She wouldn’t even be sure, she said, about going out with somebody after a week of knowing them.
Her comment really threw me off. I like her and I can tell she likes me, but I don’t want to rush anything. Yet I’m afraid if I wait any longer, things will slip into the “friend zone”, and that’s the last thing I want. I just don’t know what to do.
Doubting the Timetable
You think too much.
Ask her on a date. Today. And if that date goes well, ask her on a few more. Buy her dinner. Take her to the dollar theater, or maybe a $5 rock show downtown. Hold her hand. Tell her she smells nice. Kiss her. Sleep with her. Don’t sleep with her. Do whatever feels natural, whatever feels right.
But don’t assume *any* of that makes you her boyfriend. You two aren’t in an exclusive relationship until you explicitly have a conversation establishing that you are. You’re not in high school anymore, and among adults, one date doesn’t a couple make.
In the meantime, both of you can and probably should see other people – you just got to college, after all. So go out. Meet more girls. And don’t put all your eggs in one basket until you’re positive the chicken only wants to lay for you – and that you like the taste of eggs in the first place.
Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor – just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don’t take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.
Got a burning question (or a question about burning) for LoveFAQ? Send your emails to [email protected]. All submissions are confidential and anonymous.