No Right Answer: Living with Depression

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Eamar:
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I have massive sympathy for you and your experience, and I'm glad things are looking better now. I too have had to come off meds abruptly because of unbearable side effects, so I really do sympathise. I guess the difference between us is that you decided to try other methods while I carried on trying different drugs. The reason I did that was because I knew that unmedicated bipolar disorder would be just as bad as any side effects, and eventually kill me, no question. That said, bipolar is a very different beast from depression (I was initially treated for depression before the bipolar diagnosis) and absolutely does require medication in an overwhelming majority of cases.

I'm in no way trying to prove you wrong, I just always like to offer an alternative viewpoint to positions like yours because I remember using the internet a hell of a lot when I was figuring all this stuff out, and I want anyone in the same position who happens to stumble across this to see both sides.

It seems the best advice for anyone reading this is to be aware of yourself, your condition and your situation as much as possible. Ultimately you have to figure out what's best for you.

I'll return the sympathies and add some well-wishing :)

One of my best friends is bi-polar so I have some off-hand experience with that beast as well, and you're correct, especially severe bi-polarity is very dangerous stuff.

In any case, a video like this brings up many interesting experiences, and if someone can learn something none of it is wasted. Thanks for sharing. And a thanks again to No Right answer for a great episode.

I agree we have to find our own identities in order to deal with our own depressions. So mine might be very different from what may or may not be the norm. And its not "intended as debate" & shouldn't be.

I had first acknowledged I was depressed back when my mom decided to move from Sidney to another town. I eventually ended up in BOCES. My mom eventually decided to move from that town to basically the middle of nowhere.

During my early teen years there was no Good Crowd to be a part of. Around Home it was just hang out with 2 other guys my age who want to backyard wrestle or play video games. I eventually stopped hanging with those 2 & became anti-social at home. Where I would still have to deal with the yelling between my mom & half sister.

I eventually got out of BOCES & another school before I could finally go to local schools. My improvement there basically stops. Part of that was still because I was a nervous wreck.

To a point where I would unintentionally destroy pencil lead when in art class. And since the other art students would be angry at me for doing this I eventually lose interest in me doing art. (Half my life later despite having drawing supplies I still fear destroying pencil lead.)

Not really out of depression but for my own sense of belonging I made my own little bully group named after The nWo WolfPac. It ultimately fell apart due to clashing views as well as everyone having the hots for this girl who was dating one of the other members of the group.

During my late teens I was told I was going to graduate with an IEP & if I wanted a chance at going to college I would need to get a GED. So I eventually ended up going back to BOCES for my GED. I didn't get get my GED until 21 because most of the class was held back a year because of an absent student.

If it weren't for that I could've avoided my awkward crush feeling I had for this girl. So when that eventually unraveled everything I thought was between us was just coincidental. It got so bad that she ended up spreading a rumor that I was a rapist. And I didn't try to stop talking to her until I had a school counselor tell me if I continued I'd get arrested for Harassment.

So finally the GED years are over! And I can move on with my ability to now get into a college that will teach me how to make Video Games! No. At this same time my mom decided to move back to Sidney to a 2 bedroom apartment instead of the 3 bedroom trailer we lived in.

And once that was over my mom started to really limit my future for the sake of having me live nearby. She wanted to throw out my stuff & make me homeless. She belittled me when compared to my cousins who got to grow up in Sidney. She acted like she knew what I was going through during my last GED year when she didn't. And finally she bribed me.

In my mind I had to choose between going for a future I wanted but could also leave me homeless or doing as she wanted & hoping that she would reveal more to me about my last GED year where I had a crush on a girl that I was hoping I could still be her boyfriend eventually. I went with the latter for fear of being Homeless & wanting to be with that girl.

I ended up moving to Oneonta where my goals shifted from wanting to make Video Games to finding a way to at least become a "professional wrestler" indie wrestler. I never got anywhere near to touching this goal. I ended up quitting because my manager at my "learning job" wouldn't stop harassing me about my hair & pants. When I'd tell him why not to he'd just belittle me & say that was just High School.

I eventually quit when I had to start taking my SSI checks directly. I did go back but it didn't last long because my learning job that I thought would help me get a real job didn't. They stated if they wouldn't help me get a job a 2nd time then there was no reason for them to help me get a job the 1st time. So I was never going to be able to get anywhere near a "professional wrestling school" without making th risk of becoming homeless.

During my time living in Oneonta I became Atheist. My becoming Atheist was in part of avoiding my stronger suicidal urges. God wasn't revealing himself to me & telling me & whoever else that we are Soul Mates. Or why putting me through all this stress wouldn't make me want to go to hell & get this life over with it. I only have this life to live & I'm not going to get another one in a heaven, hell, or where ever.

After I became 27 I found out that girl I had a crush on months ago was arrested for Harassment. Finally accepting the fact my mom didn't know what I was going through I decided 2011 would be the year to finally get a real job, a real girlfriend, & finally live "the normal life". My 2011 was my year of insanity. Every time I was finally ready to move on with my life another issue with my finances or apartment came up. Fear of becoming Homeless ended up being most of the year. I gained 20 pounds.

In 2012 my mom decided without my want to do so to celebrate my belated 28th birthday. Where in part I ended up screaming & cursing because I wasn't happy with the previous year. I cut my mom out of my life after that though she still tries to force her way in. The rest of 2012 was stressful due to it being an election year & the plausibility of Mitt Romney canceling SSI. I gained another 20 pounds.

I also tried to start my own Non Religious in Oneonta Meet Up on 12/22/2012, but couldn't find anyone that actually lived in Oneonta. That meet up group expired 01/22/2014. 2012 was also the year I helped fund Ouya hoping I could finally learn how to make video games. But the kind of video games I would want to make I wouldn't be able to once Ouya decided to sell at retail. So my Ouya is nothing more than a brown paperweight.

In 2013 my half sister came back into my life. But all she did was try to ham fist our mom back into my life. I stopped talking to her because she refused not to do that. I gained 40 pounds.

So its now 2014. As of last year I'm now a 30 year old virgin. I made a bigger deal out of being a 20 year old virgin so meh. Even if I had the chance to have sex I wouldn't want it because I don't trust anyone in that way. My mind is now somewhat focused on Steam Machine or a HP PC that runs Windows 7. I'll probably take one last crack at trying to learn how to make video games. And when that fails I suppose I'll just settle for what little I already have.

I think I need to show this one to people around me...
You are so right about the fear of the two extremes, and it has made me hide it as much as possible.
Also that it's a part of ones identity.

The way I see it, there is two types of depression. One you fall into if/when something happens, and one you have been in as long as you can remember. Don't think either is better/worse than the other, but they work differently.
If you have been depressed for all, or the majority of your life, that's the life you know. It's hard to imagine anything else, and the thought that there may not be anything else is sort of crushing.
However if you have been "normal"/"happy" (you know what I mean), and then fall into a depressed state, you will have something to compare to, which can make things worse.

In my case, It's not that everything is so terrible, or anything bad happened in the past. I just don't see the point in anything, never have. The more I learn the less I care, as it all seems more and more insignificant. We are just a speck of dust, flying through vacum on this tiny rock, and we can't even figure out if it's real.
Even killing myself is utterly pointless, so why do it? I'll die eventually anyways, and then we'll see what happens.

I've been trying to find the best way to describe it, and I have been working on this metaphor I kinda like.

It's like being trapped in a room, and in this room there is all the food you could ever think of. Everyone are stuffing their face and eating, having a good time. While I walk around, too sick to even wanna smell food. But people don't care, they force me to at least try this and try that. So I do, smile and keep walking.
I could leave this room, but would never be able to return. So if I one day would be hungry I'd be screwd.
Then there is the thought that, maybe, somewhere, there is a dish that does not make me wanna throw up.

At least I seem to make people around me happy, so I must be doing something right.

So many thanks to you both.

You have managed to articulate so clearly, the confusion of misery of, all too familiar, cycels.

Amazing work.

All the best!

I am glad you made this video, it's much more eloquent than how I could have phrased my identical problem. Just make sure you get help when it creeps back in your life.

Firefilm:
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DISCLAIMER: This may be disturbing to read at times, but this is the story of my struggle with depression and has never been shared the completely before. Typing this has been hard, but also cathartic. By sharing this, I hope that at least one other person can find themselves sharing my thoughts and struggles and know that they are not alone, and that I survived it, so maybe they can too.

I remember the first time I thought about killing myself. It was in the third grade, which in retrospect seems tragically young, but I'm not entirely sure about anybody else's personal timeline in dealing with depression. The beginning of my problems came at such a young age that I can't even identify it, but before starting school even, with my parent's using me as a tool in their back and forth battle with each other. I was made to spy, I was made to lie and eventually choose. Anxiety, guilt, sadness... I was too young to understand any of it, but my mind was being bombarded by these feelings for as long as my memory goes back. But that was simply the foundation that would later become my full on depression and lead to my first suicidal thoughts.

In third grade I was a quiet, geeky kid. I kept mostly to myself in school and had no friends. I was actually content in this state, but kids being what they are, I wasn't able to blend in forever. I still remember the name of the first kid who bullied me, Adam DeLuca, he was a popular kid, played basketball if I remember correctly, and presumably saw me as an easy target. As he began to pick on me, it became more and more accepted to the point where all the kids would do it because it was the cool thing to do, it was how they got accepted. Soon, it lead to me avoiding recess altogether, forcing myself to throw up to go to the nurse's office everyday. These day's, that would raise a flag, but back then, nothing was done.

My mom, who had spent the majority of her life also battling depression, recognized the symptoms and to her credit, did a lot to try and help. I was soon involved in any activity that might help me socialize, I played tuba, I was in school plays, choir, my mom chaperoned field trips... Looking back, understanding how kids work and what makes you "cool" I now realize that all of those things were only making it worse. But at the time I didn't understand it, I didn't know what was so wrong with me that I was an outcast. In my mind, I went through everything, searching for what made me different, what made me a target. I was a nice kid, smart, kept to myself mostly. It didn't make sense. I hadn't done anything wrong... And they didn't even care that they were hurting me. but I would make them care, I thought. If they saw me kill myself, they would know what they had done, they would regret having hurt someone who did nothing to them. At this moment, suicide was simply a solution, an answer to a problem, something to fantasize about that would make them stop being the people they were. This fantasy was only further romanticized by my involvement in the church. I remember feeling like Jesus dying to save the sinners was the most noble thing a person could do, and thought that my dying to change their minds was just as noble. But again, suicide was just an answer to a problem, and the following year when my mother moved to Wyoming, I moved in with my father, in a new school with new people. It changed the equation, i didn't have to fantasize about killing myself anymore, because I had a new opportunity. But what I couldn't have realized is that the damage was already done.

The biggest change in the new school was that I was now going to school with my step-brother, who was everything I was not. He was skinny and athletic, moderately popular and had even had girlfriends before. I thought that this would somehow elevate my own social standing in this new place, but as I said, the damages were already done. My standing wouldn't change because I was already that quiet, awkward, overweight kid. I didn't get picked on this time around, but I wasn't liked or even noticed. Where before, I was content to blend into the background, just blending in no longer made me feel content. I think that my expectations of change and the subsequent let down of those expectations led me further down into depression and once again, i began having thoughts of suicide. but this time was different. I wasn't fantasizing about righting wrongs, changing minds, or making a statement. I just wanted to let go. I didn't want to feel anything anymore, because even anything that made me happy was poisoned by the overwhelming depression. This continued until the 8th grade, when things finally made a "positive" turn.

7th grade was a nondescript year, except for the fact that I lived in Wyoming for that year with my mom, which was the year Columbine happened. As that story came out, I empathized with those kids. I didn't idolize Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, I was a nice kid, I wouldn't MURDER anybody, but i knew what they went through and understood how they felt. I personally felt what it's like to be physically and mentally and emotionally tortured while the adults in charge did nothing at best and at worst suggested it might be my fault for not fitting in. Maybe as a result of that, subconsciously, outward violence became a proven solution, because the following year, 8th grade I finally got the respect (or fear) that I'd wanted when I threw a desk, chased a kid through homeroom, knocked the teacher over and had the kid cornered until the principal came in and pinned me against a wall. They saw that I couldn't be picked on anymore, and that lead to some kind of acceptance. For the first time, things were looking up, but I didn't FEEL any better. They only tolerated me because they feared me. But i still wasn't LIKED, and that distinction matters. I saw the most simple and mindless kids being the most popular, and couldn't comprehend. (what i didn't realize it that, even today, that's the way of the world. don't believe me? watch MTV for any length of time...) It made me bitter and frustrated with not only myself for not being "good" enough for the mindless majority, but at the state of the world itself for being so shallow and unfair. Having never left, my suicidal tendencies now wore a different mask. I was above this world, I would never lower myself to their standards, and would rather die than be a part of it. I stayed stuck in this for the following two years. Until 10th grade, when my life took another hard restart.

I discovered two things in 10th grade: drugs and punk rock. Both made my place in the world more tolerable, and I started to think more positively about the who I was, and my role on earth. Punk rock showed me that the frustration I was facing with the state of the world wasn't just mine. There was entire movement of people who saw the world for the shallow, damaged place it was. We didn't have a solution, but we had identified the problem, and that was a relief beyond anything I've felt since. As for Marijuana (the only drug I had tried at that time), it was an instant relief. I no longer cared about... anything. the things i liked got that much better, the things I didn't like no longer mattered. It was perfect. Until I was no longer high. Again, what I couldn't have known at the time was that the temporary patch of drugs only served to make my sober-time extremes that much worse. When I was sober, I was now more depressed in my down-cycles than before. Whether this was chemicals or the frustration of knowing there was a solution that i didn't currently possess, I'm still not entirely sure. So the solution became simple enough: stay high. And I did. For most of high-school in fact. This would have unforeseen consequences once I got grounded in reality years later, but it didn't matter then.

This is getting exceptionally wordy, so lets fast-forward to the end of high-school. As a punk, i had given up on society and what it expected of me. The teachers who knew me saw the unlimited potential, the strong mind and the will to change the world. The ones who didn't saw only a lazy, pissed off kid going nowhere. I dropped out of school, knowing that world was so fucked that their piece of paper stating that I met their minimum standards of intelligence meant nothing to me and wouldn't change the world. I was proud and defiant as I went to each teacher and had them sign the withdrawal form. Then I turned it into my guidance counselor, a man who I had talked to over the past 4 years about nearly everything. he was intelligent, non-judgemental, and was honestly rooting for me the whole time. but when i turned in the slip, i saw the look in his eyes. I had let him down. He had given up on me. I walked out of his office and went into a one-person bathroom, locked the door and cried. It was the first time that the real world had caught up to me in years. what had i done? I was smarter than most people in my school, and i threw it away. The solutions I had held onto for years had become problems of their own. I should have graduated, should have had great grades, should have done anything. Instead, my ongoing battle with depression was at the forefront of every action I took. But I still had a small piece of hope. By the end of highschool, i had the most amazing girlfriend, someone who understood me at nearly every level, or would go well out of her way to understand. She truly loved me. And I loved her, but depression would claim that relationship as well.

Amber was a hard working girl, went to college a year early, worked full time as a server, and always had time for me and her family, nobody left wanting. she seemingly effortless glided through any obstacle in front of her, and from the beginning i knew somebody like me did not deserve a girl that amazing. By this point, my depression had again taken on a different mask. As an intellectual punk rocker, I found myself raging about social injustices, and it was through that filter that my depression justified itself and my self-loathing. I couldn't be happy, why should I be? I'm a semi-privileged first-worlder that had everything going for him and threw it all away. Why do I deserve comfort and happiness when there are better people out there who would do whatever it took to have a fraction of the opportunity I did? And furthermore, allowing myself to be content in a broken world is consent by inaction. If I was happy, I had no motive to change anything. So that's why I wasn't happy. Again, it had justified itself.

Three and a half years later, in the midst of an anxiety attack fueled by my own insecurities, I lost that relationship. The one anchor that had kept me relatively sane while fighting off demons. In one moment, in one utterance, I changed the entire trajectory of my life. An action that to this day is the most prevalent thought when I'm dealing with a wave of depression. This is the first time I've been honest about what happened that day. But the truth of it was that, while battling a fairly serious anxiety attack (something she had unknowingly helped me through many times before), I threatened her. Not her directly, I threatened to attack her car. I still don't know what that was, it was so far beyond anything that I had ever done or thought, and instantly regretted it. That wasn't me in that moment, and if demonic possession were a real thing, that's honestly as close to an explanation as I can relate to. That moment lead to the hardest, darkest years of my life, and eventually, some sort of contentment.

That breakup changed my life forever. At first, I fell into a dangerously nihilistic suicidal depression. There were no more masks or justifications. I wanted to die because of who i was. I wanted to die because of who I could have been. I wanted to die because of those that I had hurt. I was working for my father at that time for the family business as a mechanic. After the breakup, more and more I quit showing up to work or showed up hours late. Even when I did show up, I spent so little time working that eventually my own father had no choice but to fire me, further feeding my depression. It was at this time I was introduced to Oxycontin 80mg. An old friend of mine had been snorting them for some time and my roommates wanted me to get them some, so i did. At this point I was drinking a half gallon of vodka every 1-3 days, depending on what else was going on. When my friend suggested i try the Oxy out, i could think of no reason not to, and found a new kind of numb. I wasn't happy, but i wasn't anything else either. Then the reality of that drug and my lifestyle and my where i had landed all came into focus. I had a plan. I was going to overdose on oxycontin.

I had been searching for a blameless way to kill myself for years. right around 8th grade when suicide was no longer a statement, but an escape, my fantasies became more about being killed by a passing car, or murdered, or any number of things that let me die without placing the blame on myself. I went to school with kids who died of overdoses, and invariably, there was a bit of blame on the deceased, but ultimately, the blame was placed on the drug, the dealers, the peers, the depression that may have lead them to drugs in the first place. It seemed the perfect answer. I prepared everything, even went as far as to finish the suicide note i had begun writing shortly after the breakup. Then when the day came, I got two for myself, instead of the usual one. I was already halfway through a half gallon of White Tavern (cheap vodka around here) and snorted both of the pills at once, sure that it was enough to do the job. And maybe it was. But i survived.

I remember thinking "i am dying. in minutes, i will be dead." Physically, my body had quit breathing on it's own. I had to purposely think of breathing. It had to be the action I was doing out of volition, not instinct. But my mind was so distant and numbed that even thinking about breathing became a difficult and labored task. But I was doing it. I wanted to die, and could have, and would have, but I was actively resisting it. Why? Even today, I'm still not sure. That was the only actual attempt I have ever made, though after that, there were a few times where I repeated that same cycle. I didn't care if I lived or died, but while I was conscious and able to make the decision, I chose life.

One of the last serious crises i had was 2 years ago after a whole lot of my life had again fallen apart around me. On a whim i dialed 1-800-SUICIDE to discover it was exactly what I hoped it was, the suicide prevention hotline. But this experience quickly became a terrible mistake that nearly lead me down that path for the final time. When I called, I was obviously upset, and the lady on the other end said something to the effect of "what's bothering you?" and which point I said I wanted to talk about something else, and asked her how she was doing. She again insisted i tell her what's wrong and i plead back "i don't wanna talk about it right now, tell me how your day has been." at which point she said "i think you have the wrong number." and hung up on me. I was furious, immediately called back and got a different operator. I explained to her what had just happened and she said "you sound like you're upset ." Everything I said to her, she would just parrot back to me in the form of a question, providing no real help or depth, or anything at all of value. I lied and said to her "you know what, I'm feeling better now." and hung up, completely frustrated with the experience. Like they said in this video, it can be so frustrating when you finally do try to reach out and they don't get you on the most fundamental of levels. You're told that opening up helps, but how can it when they have only second-hand knowledge of what you're going through? They might as well not even be the same species. It can exasperate an already critical situation.

I just hit a serious wall where I intended to wrap this up with a nice summary of my experience fighting and sometimes winning against depression. I guess I'll end with sharing two things with you, two pieces I wrote during that extremely dark point in my life after the breakup that changed everything. Two pieces that might help you get into the mind of a person on the brink of self-destruction, a mind desperately fighting to cling to life and purpose amidst the collapse.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/james-murphy/broken-mirrors/71244797074
https://www.facebook.com/notes/james-murphy/untitled-the-poet/71245632074

and also, a thought that i meant to weave somewhere into this post, but never found a home, but is relevant regardless... one of the hardest parts of battling depression and suicidal thoughts is knowing that it comes from within. your own body doesn't have the survival instinct that is a natural mechanism of human life, and i felt betrayed by that realization. why isn't my body doing what it's meant to do and fight for survival? i must be damaged, i must be a defect of humanity, so maybe my suicidal feelings are actually quite rational. it's a hard thought to get past, and at times, one i still struggle with.

I want to thank No Right Answer (was gonna abbreviate it NRA but... yeah.) for doing this video and giving me the opportunity to share. I also want to thank the entire crew behind the movie Silver Linings Playbook. Too often the media portrays mental illness as dangerous, further alienating those of us who suffer from it. But Silver Linings Playbook was one of the most honest portrayals I've ever seen lacking both negative and positive bias, brought to life by amazing actors. Anyone who hasn't seen it, I would strongly recommend doing so.

Created an account just to be able to reply to this. I wanted to thank you guys for that video, I hadn't heard about the man that killed himself. I have suffered from severe depression for the last 5 years, because of this I have lost multiple jobs, I was homeless for 3 months and have been struggling to get my life back. There were so many days when I was driving down the highway to work and thought to myself just how easy it would be to yank the wheel to the left and plow into a wall and end it all.

My family didn't know what to do and my parents blamed me for it and most of my friends had moved away and started families. For the first two years or so I was almost completely alone, like they mentioned in the video that feeling of isolation is the worst part. Then I met someone about 3 years ago and we became good friends, that was the first time in years that I had felt any hope or interest in my life again. Just having someone to talk to it didn't even have to be about the depression it could be anything. It made all the difference in the world.

For me my mind is my worst enemy, I will be at work and just be stewing internally for hours and sometimes I don't even realize it. My mind will just play out all these scenarios in my head of what I could have done differently and what I have lost. I imagine losing what little I have or just terrible things. I probably think of what it would be like to kill myself at least once a week.

The most important thing I have found is to try and notice when this happens. If I stop and tell myself that its not really happening then sometimes I can stop the downward cycle before I get too low to do anything about it. I have also found that regulating my diet helps, If I skip breakfast especially I notice that I usually feel a lot more depressed in the morning. But the most important thing is to find at least one person that you can reach out to who will support you no matter what. I still have a long way to go but I am starting to feel hope for a better future and my prayers go out to the family of the man who killed himself. To everyone else out there who struggles with depression, just remember that no matter how bad it gets, don't give up. Because once you do that you can never get your life back. Reach out to people, even if you get rejected a lot, eventually you will find people who can help.

I've been struggling with depression for my entire life and I just realized about it 3 months ago.

I had it rough with bullying since kindergarten and it got especially worse in high school. To this day, no one can touch me without me jumping and taking away that person's hand violently, even if it was just a friendly gesture.

I mostly just felt bummed most of the time, I fantasized about commiting suicide now and then, but I never actually attempted it myself. Also, being the only man in a family of 4 women didn't help either, especially when my dad was always so distant with work, he worked at home, but I always felt like he just wasn't there.

4 months ago, we had the shittiest weather in years in this city, it rained constantly for almost 2 consecutive weeks and it stopped raining until mid-december. Last September was a rainy month, both literally and figurative, that month was the straw that broke the camel's back or so to say. I don't know how, but I simply thought "ENOUGH!", I got a temporal job at my local BestBuy (best job I've ever had. Seriously.), made some great friends there and I lost a few pounds.

Right now I'm at the process of looking for a new job and I'm beginning to experiment on doing my own Let's Play videos (thanks to a canadian friend, no less) and although I didn't know him personally, the news of JewWario hit me really hard, because I see myself in his position, what I could've done if I didn't break from this vicious cycle. I'm not saying I'm cured at all, I'm just coming to terms with it and learning to live with it.

Thank you very much for doing this vid, it means a lot for me and for many other people in this little corner of the internet.

I had to rewatch this video because it is so fantastic. I'm really glad you guys made this, I can relate to it on a lot of levels. Personally I'm manic-depressive, which didn't help because when I'd be going through my good moods people would assume I'm faking my depressed moods. Coupled with anxiety it made high school less than fun for myself. Thankfully though I've been able to find ways to combat these things, namely meditation.

I've been bawling my eyes out off and on about Justin. Doug's tribute video hasn't helped anything (THANKS DOUGBAMA).

I've struggled with suicidal ideation since puberty, which really struck right around the time of 9/11, my dad becoming disabled, and my mom developing a horrible skin disease. So what may have started as a slight imbalance aggravated by not-so-great family problems exploded into full-blown clinical depression. Then when I moved off to uni, it got so much worse. I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't focus, I felt socially inept, I 'failed' my first semester (all grades C- or above, but that wasn't good enough), and I was so close to just ending it.

My thoughts are still disordered, I have other health problems that make it worse or just interact poorly with it (FMS, migraines, etc.), but I can function now, and if it weren't for my meds and a LOT of therapy, I'd probably have hung myself or ODed on meds by now. I have my degree, I'm working 55 hours a week (oi) and supporting myself, and I'm working on applyign to grad schools. I still have issues, I still have anxiety attacks, I still think about hurting myself, but it's nowhere near as bad or often as it used to be, and as long as I take my meds regularly I'm able to work past it. I'm actually able to be content now, and that alone is such a relief.

Look, guys, if you think you may have psychological issues, go seek help. Right now. Go do it. If you cut your thumb off, you'd go to the ER; if you suspected cancer, you'd go to your GP. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and needing help is NOT a sign of weakness. Sometimes, you CAN'T just 'get over it'; sometimes you can't just pray it away, or wish it away, or light candles and burn letters. I don't want anyone to go through what Justin and his family did (and are going through now) and getting it seen about now prevents so much heartache later.

RaikuFA:
I have PTSD from bullying, depression and aspergers.

For PTSD, see if you can find someone who might consider EMDR for as a viable treatment course.

My fiancee has PTSD, of which EMDR was assigned for him and helped tremendously. It will not rid you of the depression, and you will still have the flashbacks, but it makes it easier to cope with them and the triggers that can cause them.

http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2

So happy to see you guys make this episode, as someone dealing with severe depression for most of my life it means a lot to see you bring awareness to this. Talking about it with someone is the first step to recovery, being about a year since I sought help, I can honestly say I've never felt better. Thank you so much :)

Good video you two!
Well that was kind of depressing for me, making the events of last year more present in my mind when a very good friend of mine jumped out of his window. That was a real hit into my guts. Especially because I had a phase of angst behind me that had me down to the ground. I was unable to do anything at times, totaly exhausted because my mind was spinnig full speed all the time, causing my heart to rush and even to jump from time to time. It was so bad I had to tell someone and i got help and it got better. That was before he killed himself, and all came back. And again I got myself help and i became better. Not every depression is forever!!! It may never go away, but even if the world seems totaly dark for you, there is always light! I knew my friend was suffering at times, I didnīt know how bad it was, but I wish he had talked to me about it more clearly, i would have listend and I know others would have too. Be brave and TALK, someone will hear you, find that person! Itīs your quest!

Thank you very much for this video, guys. I wish you the best, Chris.

crypt-creature:

RaikuFA:
I have PTSD from bullying, depression and aspergers.

For PTSD, see if you can find someone who might consider EMDR for as a viable treatment course.

My fiancee has PTSD, of which EMDR was assigned for him and helped tremendously. It will not rid you of the depression, and you will still have the flashbacks, but it makes it easier to cope with them and the triggers that can cause them.

http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2

Thanks, I'll take a look into it.

I was going to play League of Legends. then I stumbled upon this video. Usually I'd have watched it while queuing for a match, but... This is a pretty serious issue. So much so that I didn't actually even queue yet.

Thanks.

The thing they were talking about at about 12 mins is what I didn't expect anyone else to understand. The weird paradox of wanting to be cured but also thinking being the way you are is part who you are.

I've been dealing with depression for most of my life now and I have good times and bad times, like most people. I'm glad they made this video though, it does help to see how others deal with it. Suicide has been on my mind a lot but I never made a serious attempt because I have people who rely on me to get certain things done. Which helps. I find that inactivity causes enormous setbacks in myself and it makes for some intensely dark periods. This has led to me being 2,5 years behind in school and having problems holding on to some friendships. There's only about three people I talk to about this though, my parents not included.

A good friend of mine has recently sought professional help for her depression, although it's fairly new to her, but this, along with this video, does make me think it might not be that bad of an idea to look for some help myself. Although I'll likely have a hard time convincing myself to actually that step. Still, I'd like to thank this community for helping as well. Reading about others dealing with it does help a little.

"Antagonism from the inside" sounds like an accurate description of anxiety, depression's cohort. I went to a psychologist who gave me some relevant tests, and we found that I have approximately moderate anxiety. It seems to be that I suffer from depression as well, which manifests itself in a lack of energy and pessimistic contemplation. It happens a few moments per day for me and doesn't dampen my logic much, but it is somewhat worrying.

Thank you guys for bringing this widespread issue to the limelight. You guys are way better than Anita Sarkeesian (I just felt like mentioning her like you did here), who doesn't have much experience with her subject matter.

He is dead on when it comes to people reacting to either extremes. But what ive found in todays world or at least my part of the world is that they often think your just bummed out or case of the sads. More often then not is you get labeled or at least i have been labeled the "negative guy" and was made the feel bad for feeling depressed. So you try your best to hide it but you never fully can, and if you have resting bitch face like myself your always thought of as that negative nacy,buzz killington. And its got to the point that your "friend" start to distance themselves from you due to that fact. Also dead on it is very fucking condescending. Its amazing people still lie and then post what they really doing/thinking on facebook for all to see. The fuck ?

He also is right about the depression becoming apart of you, you dont want to get rid of it coz its all you have left when everyone else fucks off, its not wanting to admit that your wrong.holy shit ive never been able to put it into words but he really does echo alot of what ive been thinking.

But i treat friends like friends. You know being here when ever im needed etc. or just being able to listen to a friends problem and really give a shit and give honest input. But fuck me i must be wrong or have a diff meaning in my head.

My life is not even that bad when i think about it. I have a smoking hot girlfriend who really understands me and we share the same kinda emotional background. My job aint bad its boring as shit and im just another drone in the retail world. Im still living at home in my mid 20's but my gf is under standning of how shit and costly the real world is. And most people seem to think if your NOT at a certain stage in life and have that kinda job and that kinda house that kinda car, life style. Its like wtf ? i dont recall there being a rull book or strat guide to life. i dont know this has kinda turned into a rant but hopfully somone will read and understand my points lol :)

also id people do seem to think there is only 1 end to somone in depression and thats suicide. But thats the worst case. But there are those who may think about it but also would never go that far, but the soul crippling nature of it drags you down to the point where doing anything seems boring and mundane as anything. South Park episode where Stan gets older that is what i feel most people with depression have to battle with. i know i do.

This is long.

I think you guys should have defined your terms first.

Depression includes "the sads." People get depressed all the time without having a serious disorder. What you're talking about is clinical depression, major depressive disorder, whatever you want to talk about. It's important to acknowledge both. Why? One of the reasons we get told to "get over it" is that people don't understand the difference between clinical depression and being bummed. If you just say "I'm depressed," they can't tell if you have "the sads" or if you're seriously suffering from a depressive disorder.

My friends and family know I suffer from depression. Some are ore in denial than others, but it's important to differentiate feeling blue from the varying levels of depression as an illness/condition.

Similarly, I suffer from migraines. If you tell people you have a headache, you're not telling them the whole story and how are they tpo know a couple Advil and a glass of water won't fix things?

The other side (hide the knives) is annoying as well, yes. That attitude predated school shootings, though, and applied in my life to anyone including people with "the sads." Suddenly, anyone who ws slightly blue or stressed was treated as a suicide watch issue.

Chris, if you think Christian faith has stopped you from trying to kill yourself, that's fine, but it sounds like people who say they have prayed cancer away. I know you say that it's not a solution for everyone, but most suicides in the states are Christian. Pointing to Christianity as a resource here likely only serves to delay help (as your mom did by saying "pray."). Hell, it's one of the reasons I used to cut myself. This is something I'd rather not talk about normally, but if the video's intent is to start discussion, well, time to be frank. It's why I avoided help, avoided treatment, avoided talking to people about depression and other issues.

On that note, I doubt faith had anything to do with you not killing yourself. People often say that faith is the only reason they don't do X or Y, but when they leave their faith they find out they still don't do X or Y. I've been an atheist for the majority of my life now, and I'm yet to kill myself. Or kill anyone else, steal, cheat, whatever. I stopped self harma long time ago. This isn't to say post hoc, ergo propter hoc, but it was a contributing (specifically, aggravating) factor.

I don't say this to attack anyone's beliefs, but there are issues here at play that should be discussed.

At the same time, I agree with the notion that it's easy to let depression sort of become who you are, or to identify it as part of your identity. I mean, honestly, I suffer from bipolar disorder, not straight up depression. It's especially hard to rectify when you're up some of the times and down some of the times. I tried to only be around people when I was up, because I was worried they wouldn't like "the real me," which is how I viewed my depressed state. Nowadays, I'm just "take me as a package or leave me alone," because I got help, and to some extent grew out of it. Not depression, not the updown swing of bipolar disorder, but the attitude that I was faking happiness. I'm still not cured, but I manage my illness and I understand that both conditions are still me. And it's STILL hard to separate that from who I am.

I was also afraid to try medication because I thought it would change who I was. Eventually, I tried it and I didn't become a different person, but this is a fear society drilled into me.

Good on Chris for seeking medication.

On a final note: I just watched the gaming community rip into Justin Carmical for ending his life. It's hard to be open in a community that says "depression is not a disease," or "I have no sympathy for X" or abny of the other numerous things that were said on this and other sites in the days following JW's death. I've avoided talking about my past here because I simply do not feel safe or welcome with people who are not only callous, but frequently destructive towards people with depressive disorders.

I don't like that Justin killed himself, but people are ignoring the depression or downplaying it and acting like he said "You know what I want to do? Torture my wife by making her beg for me not to kill myself while I ready a gun!" when that's completely asinine. The way people have acted in the wake of his suicide is, frankly, disgusting.

There's a lot more people than I had expected dealing with depression here. It's... well, I'm not really sure. A thing, I guess?

I've never suffered from depression myself (so far as I know anyway), but I've been armchair diagnosed by a few of my friends and family as being so (despite being perfectly content with my life and, the vast majority of the time, pretty happy - apparently being actively hyper-social is the only sign that one isn't depressed), so I can empathize with a few of the interpersonal issues that kind of thing arises. A lot of it is completely alien to me though, and it's always good to see some perspectives on this kind of thing.

Thanks for sharing folks.

Thanks for the episode

Things like this can mean a whole lot to different people in different places. Videos like this coming up on the internet really makes me happy.

tzimize:
Thank you for this. Its strange how important an internet show episode from two complete strangers can feel like.

Personally...I wish you luck with the medicine, but be careful. Be very careful.

I was put on antidepressants by my doctor and the results were one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I encourage everyone to let medication be your last resort. Try therapy, try exercise, try just talking about it a lot with a trusted friend. If you just cant shake it...the medication will always be there, but be careful about it.

The brain is a tender instrument. Messing with chemical mood modification is a slippery slope.

I remember in elementary school I was prescribed Klonopin and Prozac for my depression and anxiety issues. Suddenly, I'm being haunted by my stillborn daughter from the future and I tell the girl I have a crush on that she's the mother. So much for that friendship.

Anyways, thanks for the episode guys. What you said about depression becoming part of your personality really spoke to me. I've been depressed since before I can remember, I had to see a therapist when I was one, and sometimes it's hard to believe that it really is depression, and not just me. The entire way I perceive the world revolves around my depression, and I know that it's making me miserable, but it's how I've always seen the world, and I just can't find anything factually wrong with it. To be honest, the thought of seeing the world like all the non-depressed people I know horrifies me.

Yozozo:
To those escapists who are approached by those with depression, here is my advice... just listen. Don't try to solve their problem. Don't try to fix it. Empathize with the person, and just make them feel loved and welcomed. I myself don't have depression, but having both a brother and a spouse with severe depression, I can tell you, just make them feel loved. You are not going to make them instantly jump for joy, it's not suddenly going to "cure" them, but just be there, listening, and letting them know they are loved. It will help them more than you will ever know.

Thanks guys for posting this video. I hope people can watch it and gleam something out of it. So many people don't understand what depression really is (as you say, sometimes people think you just have a bad case of 'the sads'). Hopefully this will educate them.

I absolutely agree. As someone who has been home doing nothing for a year now due to depression, I can attest that what has helped me the most is people just listening and letting me vent my anxieties, no matter how irrational my feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness may be. I am lucky to have a fantastic boyfriend who, like you, just listens. Just having someone who is there for you is important.

If someone is trying to fix you it can sometimes just add pressure to become happy and functional again and then you start worrying and feel bad about not getting well fast enough... My mother is like that, wanting to find something to do about it fast or just denying it and saying I'm probably just stressed out a bit right now. I get that she does not want to realise her daughter is depressed, but it's just frustrating when I'm trying to tell her about me being depressed.

I just wanted to say you're great Yozozo, for being there for your brother and your spouse. Just being there listening helps a lot.

This is a great episode. I love you guys. I haven't watched an episode in a while, but good job.

I have depression as well. I have just reached a high point though. You know those. You feel good for a month, maybe longer, and then it all hits you at once for a long time. You guys took time out of your busy schedules of shenanigans to deliver a video with great meaning to a lot of people.

You gave the best advice to people: TALK ABOUT IT. Do it. It'll make you feel better. If that doesn't help, start writing about it. I did, it helped.

One of the best games I played last year dealt with all the problems I was having. Go and play Actual Sunlight. It is one of the best games (it's in beta though, but the story is amazing) dealing with this issue. I recommend this to people dealing with depression. Will O'Neil touches on thoughts of suicide, dealing with your depression, and coming to terms with it. I cried while playing it. That and The Walking Dead season 1 ending are the only games to make me do so (sue me).

Sometimes, it's nice to know that there are other people like you.

Free download for Actual Sunlight:
http://www.actualsunlight.com/

Thanks again guys. Great episode.

Agayek:
There's a lot more people than I had expected dealing with depression here. It's... well, I'm not really sure. A thing, I guess?

One in four people is affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives, and depression is one of the more common ones, plus it's also a feature of several other illnesses (bipolar disorders being the most obvious).

This stuff is way more common than people think, which is why videos like this are important. People need to be made aware of this.

Wow. After watching the video and reading through the comments, I should feel rather blessed that I can still function through my chronic depression well enough as a college student. I'm sorry to say that I don't really, but it's comforting to know that there are others out there who know what it feels like, some even more so than myself.

I myself also have schizoid personality disorder, so it's very hard to talk seriously about depression in person when I just habitually put on my happy, normal personality to keep people from asking what's wrong and stuff. The internet lately has been very helpful in easing the feeling of deflating like an old balloon, and I can safely say I wouldn't be doing nearly as well as I am without my good ol' internet friends being there to help me out. It's very unfortunate that JewWario is no longer with us, but I for one am happy that we're having this serious topic discussion and letting each other know that it's okay to talk with friends about depression and that it's okay to seek help. Hope everyone has a good day. Peace.

Great episode. I hope it takes hold on the community here. However there are always undesirable elements on the internet that take pleasure when some-one comes forward with a personal problem, and use this as an opportunity to attack for their own petty delights.

Thanks for the video. I relate to going through life with a less than enthusiastic approach and that being part of who you are. That was insightful.

I've just been to the doctor and got my referral to a psychologist, to handle my depression. It's always been there and it's always hit especially hard during winter, but I've just gone an entire year without a job and it's just too much for me to handle by myself.

Until recently, I thought I'd never even attempt to commit suicide. I almost turned into opposite traffic, unable to react and with an overwhelming sense of just ending it.
There are too many people who love and rely on me and that's what keeps me going. Basically I think it's selfish to commit suicide and that's why I've not consciously attempted it.

That experience was what made me go to the doc and let out a lot of other issues at the same time. As far as I understand, but so far unconfirmed, is that I'm an HSP and I very likely have ADD, which explains why I excel at certain things, while others are not just hard, but unbearably hard to study or learn, such as basic math.

Everything affects me. I can't read the news without taking the negative stories to heart, which leaves me fairly unaware of anything that isn't plastered across the internet. My anxieties are getting worse, such as hemophobia, which at the earliest point I remember, put me in a mild panic and now whenever I cut myself, I have to immediately lie on the floor until I calm down or black out and risk injuring myself, such as hitting my head on the sink (and I shave my beard as well as my head, often).
I've always disliked crowds, but a few months ago I flew from Denmark to Phoenix on a very packed plane, where I just broke down and started sobbing at the thought of spending half a day in so close proximity to other people. Luckily they moved us around so I could sit at the aisle with a free seat to the other side. It was mortifying and genuinly frightening, since I've never experienced anything like that.

I'm dreading my first talk with the shrink, because I fully expect to hear the usual trite advice about healthy living, D-vitamins and whatnot. Maybe he'll surprise me and might actually help me. Maybe I might even feel ambitious about something again and want to do other things than sitting in front of the computer and procrastinate or sleep 14 hours a day. If not, I'll probably leave my motorcycle in storage until the day that I can be sure I won't drive into an oncoming truck.

So that's my situation.
I'm not surprised to see a lot others here dealing with similar issues. Gaming is one hell of an escape from real life and it's easy to invest in, without getting hurt in any way. If it hadn't been for this hobby, I'd either drive until I had no money for fuel or... well, nothing I guess.

Thanks for this video.

As someone who has been dealing with depression for quite some time now, I can certainly agree that it's not an easy thing to really explain. It's not, for me at least, a 100% thing. There are days when I'm perfectly "fine" and I don't even think about it, and then there are days when it's sort of all consuming and I can't think about anything else. This is largely what makes it difficult to really describe and for others to "get." It doesn't have to be this dark cloud hanging over your head every hour of every day. You're not the blatantly "depressed" freaky goth guy who mopes about wearing black all the time. It can easily come across as just "having a bad day" because there are times when a bad swing can be set off by things that either seem ultimately inconsequential or even completely immaterial like a bad memory or a bad dream. Yet, when on the inside, you know it's not just "having a bad day" and it's not just something you can just snap yourself out of by treating yourself to a bowl of ice cream.

Thank you for this. As someone who has had depression since she was 10 (Im 31 now) I find it empowering to hear people talk about their illness. More people need to do this. Sure sometimes you might get bad reactions but I know that in talking about my issues (I work in the health industry) it has not only given others hope (I was a suicidal shut in for several years and now work 2 jobs and can travel alone in strange places) but has let people open up about their issues. So thumbs up to everyone who gets the guts to talk about it. You help yourself but you might be helping others too.

You made the most important points, and I hope anyone with the issue will watch if they are searching for help. I hope I can offer some help by expanding on the use of the medications that are generally prescribed to treat depression and related disorders. I work as a pharmacist and I see several people come through for these. First I would like to reiterate the most important point they mentioned. Talk to someone. Family and friends are important, but I would suggest a psychiatric professional. Simply meaning someone trained to do psych related disorder counseling, as a quick note generally psychologists can just counsel while psychiatrists are also physicians who can prescribe medicines. Now if you have a medication the most important thing I stress is make sure you are taking these as prescribed on the dot. It will take about 4-6 weeks for most of these to take full effect. In those first few weeks, studies generally report patients feeling worse during the time before full effect. A very important point you need to bring up to the one prescribing if not already addressed as there are shorter acting medicines that can help during that period. As far as side effects, there are several different classes of medicines each with their own side effect profile. Once again ask any healthcare professional involved with the medicine, and more importantly read about the medicines you are/may be taking. For what it is worth I will be open for anyone who has questions about these psych medicines, I assure my answers will be well informed and if it is something I don't know or can't find sound medical information, I will suggest the best type of healthcare professional for it.

EDIT: I re-read the post and just wanted to clarify that I suggest discussing with a professional in addition to your loved ones especially if you suspect your condition to be affecting your personal life.

I really can't believe he killed himself. That's just... I already knew he died, but suicide, really? He always seemed like such a happy, positive person. It's hard to believe someone living with depression could manage to do as much as he did.

I've said it before, but rest in piece, Justin. I wish your friends and family the best.

Thank you both for talking about this. Even though I'm not depressed, I have gone through a lot of rough stuff, and just talking helps. Even if it is just going out and doing something with other people. It gives you a distraction. My ex-girlfriend had given me a lot of crap for instead of just dealing with problems, going and playing video games (which is pretty ironic given all the issues she was having herself). She saw it as a mere distraction. And it is a distraction, but its also an escape from whatever is going on. You get to live in another world, be someone else and experience their problems, or joys, or whatever. Then when you come back to dealing with your own problems, you can look at it with more of a clear head. When we were breaking up, it was actually an extremely difficult process for me. I felt like I was going to throw up for hours. I played Portal for the first time and it gave me something else to think about so I wasn't so overwhelmed. There is a lot you can do to help with difficult situations, just at some point you need deal with them.

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