CriticalIntel_3x3

NATIONAL ARCHIVES AND RECORDS ADMINISTRATION

THE BOSS PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
KENZIE KENSINGTON ARCHIVE: CAMPAIGN FILES, 2015-2016 (Doc #3042)

In accordance with the provisions of Chapter 21 of Title 44, United States Code and subject to the terms and conditions hereinafter set forth, I, Kinzie Kensington of Steelport, do hereby give, donate and convey to the United States of America all my rights, title, and interest in my political files prepared for deposit in The Boss Presidential Library.

MEMORANDUM
From: Kinzie Kensington
To: Pierce Washington, Campaign Manager
Re: We May Have a Problem Here…

As you know, it’s standard procedure to conduct background research on a potential candidate’s past in order to predict and counter future attacks from opposing parties. Over the last three weeks my team has thoroughly vetted the Boss’s past policies, public records, and media exposure and – really there’s no good way to say this – it’s bad. The Boss is an opposition researcher’s wet dream.

I’ve included a report below:

First, the Good News

Both phone polling and focus groups show wide support for the Boss across all races and ethnic groups. Caucasians, Hispanics, Asian/Pacific Islanders, and African-Americans all strongly identify the Boss as part of their community. The polling data is similar for straight, gay, bi and trans voters – the Boss’s greatest strength is the ability to be anything to anyone. The only demographic that takes a hit is women, and we could erase that deficit if you’d consider revising the “No Stripper Left Behind” policy.

Please?

When we asked voters to describe the Boss as a leader, the three most common adjectives were: “strong” (64%), “decisive” (71%), and “badass” (96%). However, on the flip side, voters also chose the words “unstable” (59%) and “dangerous” (82%), showing that we have some work to do on our messaging.

Relationship History

The Boss’s romantic history – or lack thereof – won’t prove a major issue in the campaign. Bimbo eruptions are, of course, an ongoing concern since the Boss lives in a penthouse filled with pouty-lipped sexpots of both genders in – what I can only assume – are vacuum-sealed clothes. And there was that incident in 2011 when the Boss was seen leaving a BDSM club in a rickshaw pulled by a gimp. Despite this, what could really kill us are the sexual harassment accusations – did the Boss really have to gallop around every woman in Steelport doing the “giddiy up” act? And man? And beer mascot? While naked?

Also, it would be best to train the Boss out of this habit before the foreign policy trip to Europe next week. I don’t predict that behavior going down well with Angela Merkel.

Vehicular Incidents

Here the problems really start. To date, the boss has something like 26,000 moving violations that include everything from running red lights, to driving into oncoming traffic, to jumping a speedboat onto a barge. There are currently 652 charges of vehicular manslaughter pending in the courts and over 200 charges of vehicular homicide. (There would be more, except for the Boss’s predilection for wearing feature-obscuring mascot suits.) In addition, every aircraft the Boss crashed resulted in charges under civil, state, and federal law. And the boats – did I mention the boats? I’ve been reading some maritime law textbooks and I’m pretty sure that the Boss meets the legal definition of a pirate.

Yep, just confirmed it: Pirate.

Homicide and Terrorism

The Boss has killed a lot of people over the years – so many, in fact, that we’ve had to bring in a statistician to approximate the body count. Call it somewhere around 20,000. However, if you sift out all homicides that are justifiable on the grounds of self-defense, or where the victims were rival gang members (i.e. a non-voting demographic that is unpopular with the public) the numbers become a little more manageable. Regardless, it’s fair to say that the remaining homicides may affect the Boss’s popularity with voters. I doubt, for example, that we’ll find much support in the police unions. The military will also be a tough sell after we raided their arsenal for bombs and drones – actually pretty much everyone in a uniform hates us.

It doesn’t help that in the course of ordinary business we’ve managed to explode a few buildings with military-grade explosives. I’m not suggesting that makes us terrorists, per se. After all, we blew up the Syndicate’s tower to send a message that they shouldn’t mess with the Saints, not to cause political intimidation and terror, but the public may not easily separate… actually, wait. Sending a message through violent means is pretty much what “political intimidation and terror” is all about. So, yeah. I guess we’re terrorists, then. But we’re cool terrorists, right? Like suit-wearing terrorists, not backwoods Kentucky militia terrorists or Tora Bora terrorists.

Terrorists. Huh. We’re terrorists that work for a pirate.

Hey Pierce, can you score me some Valium? I think I need Valium. I have a prescription, it’s just never enough to fill the candy dish I keep on my desk these days.

Anyway, the broader issue is the Boss’s history of assaulting citizens on the street. I’m particularly thinking of the incident a few years ago involving the Penetrator. That little spree resulted in some unfortunate news footage I guarantee will show up in an attack ad. The part with the old lady really crosses the line. We’re lucky you never see kids or dogs on the street in Steelport, because I’m pretty sure the only thing keeping this campaign afloat is the fact that the Boss hasn’t literally kicked a puppy to death.

Note: If the Boss ever kicks a puppy to death, please inform me immediately.

Trafficking, Tigers and Prostitution, Oh My!

Rounding out the circle of iniquity – lest the Boss leave some crime undone – we’ve still got a past of drug trafficking, prostitution, auto theft and sundry other things to deal with. The drugs are easy to explain away since the Saints got out of the business years ago when we went corporate – though expect to see that in an ad. The prostitution thing isn’t exactly a secret since the Boss is pro-legalization. We could see some pushback from property rights libertarians offended by the car boosting, but whatever, people expect politicians to be thieves anyway.

No, what’s really hard to explain is the tiger.

Where did Angel get a Bengal tiger? Why did he have it? What, exactly, was the purpose of making the Boss drive around town with it in the passenger seat? Previously I thanked fate that the Boss wasn’t strolling down the street, kicking puppies – but putting an endangered animal at risk is equivalent to kicking twenty puppies then using their tiny tears as cologne. We need to counteract this one before it becomes public. Put the Boss in an magazine ad, petting a Koala or some shit. Maybe produce one of those sad ass Sarah McLachlan commercials full of one-eyed cats.

Seriously, Pierce: Valium.

I honestly don’t know how we’re going to win this one.

*****

MEMORANDUM
From: Pierce Washington, Campaign Manager
To: Kinzie Kensington
Re: Campaign Strategy

Kenzie, I know you’re worried about potential problems that may arise on the campaign trail due to the Boss’s past. However, I’ve developed a flexible, multi-use strategy to counteract these issues:

We’ll cheat, baby.

Robert Rath is a freelance writer, novelist, and researcher currently based in Hong Kong. You can follow his exploits at RobWritesPulp.com or on Twitter at @RobWritesPulp.

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