Playing Final Fantasy XVI, I had three questions. One, is Clive’s brother really dead? Two, why have the Branded not just magicked the hell out of their oppressors? And three, does Ron Perlman go around collecting Eikon poop? It’s that last one that’s really been occupying my mind, and I’m on the verge of writing to Square Enix, demanding it address it in DLC.
Have I watched Pacific Rim and thought about the character Ron Perlman played in it a few too many times? Yes. Should I be ashamed that my warped mind has settled on such a scatalogical subject? Also yes. But it’s not my fault. It’s all down to that Eikon, Odin, and his stupid giant horse.
No, he couldn’t have a tiny, tiny horse, like Elden Ring’s Starscourge Radahn. He has to ride into battle on a giant horse, and if there’s one thing I learned from living by a country lane, it is that horses crap everywhere.
You could argue that Eikons don’t poop in Final Fantasy XVI, but I heartily disagree. The reason you don’t see Hugo Kupka’s Titan popping into a skyscraper-sized portaloo is that Hugo’s in the driving seat. He’s got the good sense to wait, or to go earlier, but Odin’s horse?
No amount of whispering in that gigantic ear is going to get him to hold it. And I absolutely can’t see Odin pausing the battle just so he can get a gigantic, glowing shovel out. Besides, despite what the Marvel Cinematic Universe might say, Odin’s character is the subject of much debate. If he did bring a shovel, he might just yeet those boulder-sized road apples into another kingdom.
That, at least, was the way I was thinking after watching Odin battle Bahamut in one of FFXVI’s cutscenes. And much as I tried to move on, my mind wouldn’t let go. My earlier Final Fantasy XVI questions evaporated, and even more poop-related ones filled the void.
If the Eikon’s steed does leave a present in the middle of the battlefield, what then? Does it disappear alongside Odin? Or does it stay there, a stinky mountain for all to smell and see? Forget selling your hovel if you live in a nearby village; you wouldn’t be able to give it away.
This is where my brain, trying to fix a problem that may not have actually existed, hit on the solution — Ron Perlman. Or, to be more specific, Hannibal Chau, the character he played in Pacific Rim. What if Valisthea has its own Hannibal Chau analogue?
Because this isn’t just regular (giant) horse poop; it’s laced with Eikon energy. Stinky or not, it has to have uses. Forget waiting around for harvest season — throw this on your crops and they’ll grow overnight. Sure, some of them might try to murder you, but it’s a small price to pay for agricultural excellence. And it would explain where plant-based enemies come from in Final Fantasy XVI.
At least — that’s if FFXVI Hannibal Chau doesn’t get his hands on it first. What if, the moment a battlefield is Eikon-free, Ron Perlman and his crew roll up? He starts shoveling up Eikdung (that’s what I’m calling it and I want a quarter every time someone says it) into a big cart.
A few hours later he’s bottled it and is selling it as cures for everything from hair loss through to decapitation. His customers may not be happy but the villagers, who no longer have a room-with-a-poo, are unlikely to object.
Am I overthinking things? Probably, but my brain just won’t let go, and the more I think about it, the more questions pop into my head. I blame Square Enix for failing to address what could be a vital piece of Final Fantasy XVI lore.
Just don’t get me started on Phoenix droppings. That stuff has got to sting.