Nine Comedic ESRB Rating Improvements

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Those little letter ratings for parents might do a decent job identifying age groups for games, however some people are pushing for more demographically-driven ratings.

The Slobs of Gaming are fans of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB). However, when Mass Effect received a Mature rating for a small sex scene while Call of Duty 4 escaped with a Teen label despite realistic, historically accurate violence, the staff realized the system required a serious upgrade.

Instead of pursuing additional age rankings, the Slobs based their nine new ideas on original descriptors, the phrases usually left next to the letter ranking, examples being “Cartoon Violence” for a Zelda title or “Mature Humor” for Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

Their humorous ratings and recommended games for each are:

  • OD (Obvious Drunk): Recommended for Singstar, Dance Dance Revolution and Bust A Groove for their deceivingly welcoming appearance, only to make anyone who attempts to play look like he/she stepped off a roller coaster, dazed and confused but all too eager to try again. Therefore, one must be intoxicated and “be in a party setting with at least five people drunker than you are.”
  • P (Pervert): If you’ve seen the jugs on the girls in Dead or Alive or Rumble Roses XX, you understand.
  • FS (Future Slut): Any game based on the Bratz toys deserves this rating because they train our youthful girls to skip around in varying stages of undress just to get a rise out of boys. Not to mention that “the Bratz series is why terrorists hate America.”
  • FD (Frat Douchebag): When you’re on a college campus, the only games you’ll hear are the swearing from drunken frat guys playing Halo 3, the clanks of missed Guitar Hero notes and perhaps someone puking into a public toilet.
  • SP (Stupid Parents): You might think adults could censor their toddlers from seeing God of War‘s Kratos bang both two chicks and a guys head into cement at the same time, but that would mean you’d have faith in good parenting.
  • J (Japanophile): Stop buying the Gundam Wing and Naruto games. Most likely, you aren’t living in Japan, have never been to Japan, don’t speak the language and only hope you’ll one day meet a programming, kung-fu marksman Asian girl who will teach you the culture’s secrets of hentai and Hello Kitty.
  • NL (No Life): If you are simultaneously reading this article while running both any Blizzard game or another MMOG, shut down the machine when this sentence ends. If you’re still reading, reread what I just said and walk outside where the sun can crisp your pale skin.
  • GD (Giant Dork): Wii Fit might qualify for an “Obvious Drunk” rating if its demographic wasn’t too young or too balding for such inebriated behavior.
  • 50 (For 50 Cent Only): The only individual who should buy this game has his name on the front cover.

If you aren’t getting the first tan of your life outside right now, try to think of some other clever ratings captions the ESRB could use to prevent another “Mature Mass Effect” incident.

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