The Asari are one of the most advanced and intelligent species in the galaxy. They live for a thousand years, and were flying through space while most of the rest of the races still thought “national defense” meant “fling poo at enemy.” So naturally the Asari gravitate towards jobs servicing everyone else as prostitutes and pole dancers.

Mass Effect makes a big deal about how they’re all female, but apparently the writers didn’t notice that most of the other races are all male.. You never meet a single female Krogan, Salarian, Elchor, Hannar, or Turian. All of them are tagged with male pronouns, male voice actors, and all of them have the hots for the Asari, despite the fact that the Asari look nothing like them. (As luck would have it, the Asari end up looking like hot human females. Go homo sapiens!)

Rounding out this buffet of male fantasy and fan service is the fact that the game features the voice talents of Star Trek fan favorite Marina Sirtis (along with special guest star: Her Cleavage) playing yet another 900 years old yet still smokin’ hot Asari leader, who travels with an entourage of also-sexy commandos in tight leather. This game makes the Playboy mansion look like a Sunday morning in a 19th century Quaker church.

I’m not really going anywhere with all of this. I’m just pointing out that the whole thing is kind of screwy.

Shamus Young is a programmer and writer by trade, videogame nitpicker by inclination. If you have the patience for more of his ramblings, they can be found at

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