With Valentine’s Day behind us, let’s take a moment to watch just how terribly our collective pastime can butcher the concept of male/female interaction.
There is a certain breed of male that considers itself incredibly dashing. The pinnacle of charm, if you will. No, I’m not speaking of The Escapist news team. Instead, I refer to the “pick-up artist.”
This subgenre of the masculine gender seeks to boil dating down into a canny, near-scientific formula. By using a combination of silver-tongued wit and words proven to turn ladyfolk into insatiable walking avatars of lust, these dudes make panties disappear en masse (or so they would have us believe).
So willing are they to prove their talents at attracting the opposite sex that these fellas will take up any challenge to their abilities, including the task of namedropping famous videogames as part of their “game.”
That video embedded at top-right offers a documentary-esque glimpse at the results. Now would be a good time to hit “play,” but I warn you: That clip is not safe for work, school, home or anyone who might think these people are anything less than terribly creepy.
Now I don’t want you to think that I’m merely talking down these guys (all of whom are members of a San Francisco-based pickup collective appropriately dubbed “Simple Pickup”) merely because I’m far more charming than any of them. Nor do I show you this clip to illustrate how far from anything that could possibly be considered “romantic” do these gents stray in their futile attempts to turn classic games like Pac-Man, Call of Duty and StarCraft into useful invitations for sexy time.
Instead, I’m presenting this video purely for the benefit of our female readers. Ladies, if you are ever approached by anyone who clumsily mentions his or her favorite game in some kind of horrific sexual euphemism, for the good of the human species I implore you to wound them physically, preferably in a fashion that might prevent future procreation.
If these people are allowed to spread whatever genetic defect convinced them that any of this was a good idea, well … I can only hope the inevitable, bloody rise of the machines wipes out the entire human species before we’re forced to find out exactly what horrors that might entail.