Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

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i teabag horde

i sold this game last week to some random old guy that pretty much looked like the way he described his dad.... and its the only copy i've sold since it was released.


Xerxes has the right idea. The reviews are funny and that's all I'll ever expect them to be. If they give me a little bit of insight into a game, that's all well and good, but that's unlikely. To really have a "review" mean much of anything you have to feel the same way about games as the person telling you about it, that or they have to just present you with an extraordinarily long set of unadulterated facts, in which case just go play it and find out instead.

To that end, this one was rather funny, and I could tell something fun an extra was coming by the load bar which made my absolutely full of glee. Hopefully more of that is to come. The only critical thing in the thread I have to agree with is that ZP needs not to do many more RPGs, not because he hates them and the review won't be accurate or whatever. But rather for the same reason that you cannot tell the same joke (reformulated as it may be) more than a couple times before people stop laughing.

I did enjoy the review, but I can't help and think why Yahtzee keeps reviewing RPGs when he doesn't really seem to like them that much.

Because he has no choice in what he reviews. He works for the Escapist, and they'll pick what they think will draw in the most hits.

Everything he said about The Witcher was true. If you can get through that, it's a really fun game. Remember that little 'if' though.

As for the end Yahtzee, you've just managed to eclipse every single review you've ever made in one fell dubbing swoop. Best thing you've ever done, and that includes the Pyramid Head play you wrote. I hope you're proud of yourself - you have to do this every week now. Enjoy!

Fantastic as always. I agree with pretty much everything you said about the Witcher.. The story is interesting but too much bullshit to put up with to get to said story. The biggest issue for me was the mmorpg style quests (Which you pointed out) that went on forever and made me forget the main story.

Nice little bit with Painkiller at the end.


I disagree...

Sweet review as always!

I agree with pretty much everything he says, but most of what he says holds true for any rpg in the same style (like oblivion etc) and The Witcher is actually lighter in that regard (than Oblivion). Geralts natural attraction must go futher than looks, voice and charisma though, all things considered ^^ That bit is pretty ridiculous. I do however like the moral ambivalence not present in most games of this type. What I don't like is how the translation was badly handled. Not just the voices, but the way things seem to happen at random, and how some conversations are just freaky weird for no reason... well, you all know what I'm talking about if you've played it.

I'm surprised he didn't whine about the loading times, but then again, he did say he had a special super computer from space...

I know pufferfish. I've worked with pufferfish. And that man/woman was no pufferfish.

Although I normally like CRPGs rather a lot, and MMORPG questing has the strange effect of not bothering me at all, I found this review shockingly insightful, and its elegant presentation and flawless deba... Oh who am I kidding.


Oh my god, I... j... hol... I think several new phrases are going to be entering my lexicon, including "glorious PC-gaming master race," "Retard McSpackypants," "washing the gimp," and "pufferfish."

Wow.. Thou hast outdone thyself, oh gloriously irreverent one.

IM just posting cause i want too

How much cursing would there be if he reviewed 'I Wanna Be The Guy'?


I rather enjoyed the witcher, but I'm sure you'll hear that enough in the 100+ comments this will get.

Most of his reviews destroy just about any game, even if they are just about the best thing since sliced bread. Take the reviews for what they are: brilliant humour. If you really want to know how good a game is, talk to a mate who played it or rent it yourself. Or did you expect to find a review from any company that is paid by publishers that is trustworthy (yes gamespot/ign/famitsu/etc. I'm looking at you ¬_¬)

Oh and dad, stay away please.^_^

You know, there is a quite good reason for why most of Yatzhee's reviews bash games endlessly.

... Because most games nowadays suck ass... Companies focus so much on graphics they just forget about... Everything else... And he doesn't destroy every game, he recommended some of the games he reviewed, and clearly wrecked others.

Almost every single RPG/MMORPG nowadays is made by copy pasting the exact same game code on diferent player and NPC models in diferent terrains, with diferent names... But it's ALWAYS the same crap... Same seems to go for every other game genre nowadays that seems to devolve more than evolve...

Portal has been the only exception recently, beeing entirely innovating and brilliantly done... And as such, has receive the credit it deserves.

Didn't like this review so much. He made what sounded like good points (until this review I honestly though it was an MMORPG) but it just wasn't up to the high standards. The Painkiller wasn't funny until the last 4 lines either :P

Still looking forward to the next episode though.

Another excellent review, convinced me not to bother with The Witcher and just give Fallout 2 and Planescape: Torment more time instead.

This was only let down by featuring one of the worst bands to come from America. The Offspring are the worst kind of emo-rock/grunge, not that there is such a thing as "good emo-rock". But considering how much Yahtzee hates The Witcher, perhaps it's appropriate...

And the Painkiller section, I hope it's an ode to how crap the game itself is. Not a successful addition, IMHO, unless you really do find cheap blowjob gags that funny.

best part was that finally someone pointed out that pc gamers are superior to console gamers in any imaginable way.

You know, at the crossroads, I'd have to say Swindon is your best bet. Also, puffer fish.

Oh and also plus, why does the guygirl need 20 minutes prep time for 30 seconds of hot vacuuming action?

I live in Swindon... I feel cool that someone knows we exist. But yes, good review as usual.

best part was that finally someone pointed out that pc gamers are superior to console gamers in any imaginable way.

He was being sarcastic. The Witcher is a great example of why sometimes the simple controls and interface used in consoles can be better then a PC.

Hehe, I think this review just added The Witcher to the "best games ever" list. Honestly, I loved the game and knowing that Yahtzee only reviews the best of the best (, Sir!), it makes me love the game even more.

Those of you who haven't played it, you really should give it a go. It has one of the best stories I've ever seen in a video game. [no spoilers included] :)

The "This is a MUMORPUGER!" line was brilliant.

I miss oblivion, which I have pretty much completely completed, which is why a copy of this "single player MMORPG" currently resides on my games-I-still-play shelf. It was either The Witcher or Two Worlds, so I went with the witcher. I agree with everything said, but I'm glad I steered clear of Two Worlds. The Witcher, slight-lesser of the two evils.


Mmmmm, I laughed a lot. I wish I could be more insightful but I just laughed my ass off. The things he thought were boring are pretty much things I can pick up on. Then again, I am a dungeon slime like that.

However, I am not all that fond of PC gaming. I spend too much time on this damn machine as is.

ha ha i love the end

review an RTS or something Yahtzee you prodigious titillating representative of the male sex.

rather than all these "i am [name], i'm going to save the world/country/universe/local pub".

One of the few critics with balls enough to call crappy games for what they are. Good thing he didn't stick around to chapter 4 where the MMORPG design becomes even more blatant padding. And by that point he would have also discovered how much worse alchemy becomes when mixed with the shitty inventory system. Then there's the tedious gift giving and the often broken nonsensical dialog trees.

I have to say how completely brilliant this was, especially in terms of sheer entertainment. The best and ironically most lucid one yet, and that was before that great, somewhat Pythons/Adam and Joe-esq bit with Painkiller at the end.

There's not much to debate, just about everything said on The MUMORPUGER, er sorry, The Witcher was spot on really. The MMORPGS-style template always felt like the nerd equivalent of the tea cup ride at Disneyland, in my view.

Not sarcastic: true. Games geared for consoles in the first place kill the game. One example is DX:IW where the console control schema and GUI totally killed ( besides other things ) the game itself. One of the reasons why PC games suck so much in the last time is due to crappy "OMFG WE NEED A CONSOLE VERSION.... KTHXBYE!" thinking of developers. The result are crappy controls, crappy GUIs, totally overloaded and unusable GUI systems and resolutions geared for a fucking TV screen not knowing what something like 1600 pixels wide really means.

To whoever said something about his reviews have no truth and are just for fun this is bullshit. The gaming industries churn out since quite some time the most repeating and boring shit one can imagine. Furthermore crap sites like IGN and others toss out over-hyped reviews just to get publishers to put their fucking ads on their fucking pages ( which I call "finger my dick" syndrome ). We need people really saying what shit is going on and not sugar-coating it just so we get our fucking revenues.

Oh my fucking god! First of all great send up of the Witcher. I enjoyed it for a while, and I'm ashamed to admit I even recommended it to people (on this website no less), but after ten hours I forgot what I was doing, lost interest, and sold it.

Also, the Painkiller bit was fucking hilarious.

The review was funny as always,especially the painkiller clip. But everybody knows yathzee hates rpgs (if you put yatzee in a locked room with a jrpg he would jump off the window to get away from it). Whoever likes crpgs in general shouldn't be discouraged by this review, the things yathzee didn't like are exactly the things you are going to find interesting.

I registered here just so I could say that Intro Sequence Theatre is the best thing in the history of the Internets. Possibly in the history of the universe.

I can't exactly say anything to the content of the game as I haven't had time to play it yet, but I already got the idea that he doesn't seem to like RPG's all that much with the "Mass Effect" Review, so he should maybe steer clear of them in the future. Especially stay clear of highly medalled PC-RPG's with complexity and a great interesting storyline with (lots of) twists like Baldur's Gate, PS:T, Gothic-Series, Neverwinter Nights 2, Fallout 2, The Witcher (i assume) etc. (and we also all know he HATES JRPG's)
If anything other than "click button and character attacks" + maybe "click 2nd button and character then blocks" is overly complex you should maybe try and stay with stuff like Diablo 2, God of War, Heavenly Sword, Fable and Titan Quest but then you also criticize those for being too easy, having a stupid story or not enough depth so maybe you should stay away from them alltogether ^^

And WTF was it with that part at the end? Somehow I didn't find it all that funny and out of place...
Btw. two of his best Reviews are only available on YouTube (i literally laughed my ass off), you should really watch those if you haven't yet, where he takes apart:
Fable: and
The Darkness:

Puffer fish! Just brilliant. Thanks for the great video articles :)

All you PC gamers who are saying: "Not your best". I assume that what you guys really mean this is the first time he's given a thumping to a PC-only game. Given your comments on his other reviews, I can't help but assume you think that the bit about 'dirty console playing peasants' and the 'glorious PC gaming master' race was more of a statement of belief then a legitimate joke.

Seriously, given his review of Mass Effect, I think we can all safely say that this chap just shouldn't be playing RPGs. If you dislike both the Witcher and Mass Effect, you should probably just avoid the genre altogether.

Especially stay clear of highly medalled PC-RPG's with complexity and a great interesting story like Baldur's Gate, PS:T, Gothic-Series, Neverwinter Nights 2, Fallout 2, The Witcher

I seem to recall Yathzee saying positive things about Fallout and Torment, so maybe he doesn't hate rpg's in general, just the bad ones.

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