Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

 Pages 1 2 NEXT
 

Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

In a seemingly flawless heist, a man has stolen 80,000 pounds of walnuts over two separate incidents.

Two truckloads of walnuts totaling 80,000 pounds have been reported stolen in Tehama County, California. When a huge load of nuts was reported as never arriving in Miami, deputies with the Tehama County Sheriff's Office connected the crime to the theft, only a few days earlier, of 40,000 pounds of walnuts bound for Texas. Granted, this didn't take a huge amount of deductive reasoning, as there's likely only one person on the whole planet who would steal 40,000 pounds of walnuts in the first place. The Sheriff's suspect list is only a single man, a delivery driver who managed to pick up the two shipments of walnuts under false pretenses.

For all the seeming insanity of the crime, the 80,000 pounds of protein-packed, nutty goodness is worth nearly $300,000. The impostor driver is apparently well connected and had planned the heist, because he was equipped with the correct purchase numbers to pick up the shipment. After checking with the Texas-based recipient of the walnuts, deputies discovered that the man who picked them up wasn't the man hired for the job. The nut-thieving conman is described as a 6' 2" Caucasian male with a "very distinctive Russian accent" driving a white semi. Presumably, the man also has a love of walnut filled brownies, or perhaps cakes, and a strong talent for social engineering.

This is the second high profile food theft in October, the first being the now solved great maple syrup heist. Given the proximity of the two thefts I can only suspect that the world has a new ring of food thieves, concocting some sticky-salty-sweet schemes of global catastrophe.

Source: The Huffington Post, Redding.com

Permalink

Well if you ask me the whole thing seems a bit nutty.
*ehem*
I'm sure glad they were able to crack this case. Just think of all the people that would be up a wall without their nuts.
*ehem*
Seriously, who does this kind of shit? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?
Captcha- haters gonna hate
I will submit no apologies for my hating Captcha. These people are silly, they deserve some criticism.

This is nuts!

>_>

ok, that took no creativity, I know

The squirrels have gained psionic abilities to control Russian truck drivers to steal nuts for them. It's the only logical conclusion.

Wow, the police are going to work hard to CRACK this case.

Puns aside, if there's a theft of industrial amounts of flour and cocoa.
We best move the national guard to Defcon 1, because a giant brownie monster attack is imminent.

When no-one was looking, this criminal stole 80,000 pounds of Walnuts.
He stole 80,000 pounds.
Thats as many as 8 10,000 pounds.
And thats horrible.

Whoever was in charge of security for those deliveries should be sacked.

well you have to have some pretty big nuts to pull that off...

In a nutshell the dastardly crook will likely find his hoard isn't worth peanuts. He's probably a shell of a man with little to lose and if the police catch up with him he'll probably crack at the first sign of pressure.

What would you even do with that many walnuts, go into the mountains and live off of them

That video of the squirrel is fucking adorable. I'm going to get my own pet squirrel and his diet will consist purely of walnuts in front of a high-powered video camera. His name will be Peanut.

I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

I honestly think the Riddler is putting together some overcomplicated plan to confound Batman with his theft of edible goods. I think the largest distributor of potatoes in Idaho may be next! How will Batman solve this one? Tune in next time, same bat time, same bat channel.

Susan Arendt:
I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Within a week. A week. That's just incredible.

Of course he's building a walnut powered death ray.

MortisLegio:
The squirrels have gained psionic abilities to control Russian truck drivers to steal nuts for them. It's the only logical conclusion.

They must be planning some absurdly elaborate revenge against Razputin from Psychonauts.

Seriously, though: Any word on what he was planning to DO with the nuts? Is there some sort of Californian nut-tax he was trying to dodge? Like most regions have on alcohol and cigarettes?

JonB:
The nut-thieving conman is described as a 6' 2" Caucasian male with a "very distinctive Russian accent" driving a white semi.

Reading that immediately made me think of FPS Russian and his fake Russian accent. (I think he's around that height, too). Faking an accent to mess with the cops is a pretty good idea, I reckon, and a Russian accent isn't very hard to imitate. Maybe it's not really a Russian who did it. Or maybe it is. Who knows~

Susan Arendt:
I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

But of course. Where would you ever find a single shipment of 80,000 pounds of walnuts?

That would just be ridiculous.

I can't wait for the team-up with the syrup thieves.

1337mokro:
Of course he's building a walnut powered death ray.

it is an insanity ray. it make the victims mad!

Foolproof:
When no-one was looking, this criminal stole 80,000 pounds of Walnuts.
He stole 80,000 pounds.
Thats as many as 8 10,000 pounds.
And thats horrible.

image
Lex Luthor approves of the master criminals.

This might actually be a clever crime. Walnuts are street legal, pricey, and may be easy enough to fence. If only it was pecans...

What kind of jail time do you get for stealing that many nuts? I mean, I guess he could go for an insanity plea, but the judge would have to be a big fan of puns.

My bet's on a nut powered death ray...who else thinks nut powered death ray?

Batou667:
Obligatory...

Even more obligatorily:

in mother Russia... nuts kick YOU in the nuts?

(i know... it's a foul pun)

Batou667:
Obligatory...

Beat me to it.

And the Escapist responded with 80000 pounds worth of puns. Congratulations, us.

Foolproof:
When no-one was looking, this criminal stole 80,000 pounds of Walnuts.
He stole 80,000 pounds.
Thats as many as 8 10,000 pounds.
And thats horrible.

You deserve some kind of prize.

1337mokro:
Of course he's building a walnut powered death ray.

Infernai:
My bet's on a nut powered death ray...who else thinks nut powered death ray?

Well. This is weird.

Looks like Lex Luthor has some competition.

image

Unless he's preparing to use some kind of walnut-powered doomsday device, I don't think he gets the "supercriminal" moniker for a $300,000 heist. Supercriminals have to have some standards.

Ho Escapists of Midgard! This Squirrel Mans villainy will not stand! Walnuts I will avenge thee!

expecting next crimes to consist of flour, eggs, bacon or sausage, butter. because they are making really really large pancakes with eggs and bacon or sausage platter.

Susan Arendt:
I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

I love it so much I want Hollywood to make a movie out of it.

Maybe embellish it a bit but keep the premise, it's gold.

Susan Arendt:
I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

Hmmmm I'm not sure about that. Seems to me that it's very likely that the second thief was simply a copycat of the first one.

If my theory is right, expect dozens of simultaneous nut-truck thefts to break out all over the world. Soon to be referred to as "nut-jobs".

I think I smell inspiration for the next James Bond villain.

Or..maybe Austin Powers.

 Pages 1 2 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here