Dear comics reader:
Oni Press is releasing a new BLUE MONDAY series in April. It’s called PAINTED MOON. It’s by that Chynna Clugston-Major person. She’s okay. We like her all right. It’s those sweaty boys at Oni Press that get on our nerves.
First off, we know this is supposed to be a press release, and there actually was one written. That Jamie Rich guy, the whiny one with the big belly and bad hair and like eighteen ulcers, he wrote one and it’s got all these quotes about how excited we are to be doing BLUE MONDAY: PAINTED MOON, to be back after Chynna left us to do her “solo record.” SCOOTER GIRL made us feel like the other members of Bon Jovi when he did that YOUNG GUNS soundtrack. Not that we would listen to that, but everyone always complains that we don’t like music that anyone has heard of, so we’re compromising here. But we digress…
Oni’s publisher Joe Nozemack stepped away from his desk. I think his martini glass got empty, or he was going to club a baby seal or something. He’s a publisher, and they’re eeeeeevil. So, we hijacked his computer, deleted the marketing hype, and we’re sending this out.
Oni Press doesn’t care about us. To them, we’re dollar signs with legs, arms, and, in Clover’s case, big boobs. (Alan made us write that part. Stupid Alan.) When it came time to plan PAINTED MOON, we said we wanted to be involved more in planning this stuff out. We wanted to be able to grow. There are only so many times we can come back and make jokes about the boys being stupid and Clover’s big boobs. We want more character stuff. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, but how about a little MY SO-CALLED LIFE? Or at least a very special episode of THE O.C.!
But nooooo…they didn’t want that. “Sex,” Nozemack said, and swear to God, we heard a cash register sound in his head. “Bodily functions,” Rich insisted, all the while touching himself in a place we won’t mention. “Honey,” said James Lucas Jones…but, after all, he is a bear with very little brain.
We protested, but then Joe got our contracts out. They own Chynna lock, stock, and barrel, and Chynna owns us…so we’re stuck.
So, if you like that teen sex comedy stuff, you’re going to L-O-V-E the new series. BLUE MONDAY: PAINTED MOON. It’s got four issues. It starts in April. In it, Bleu discovers certain things about puberty that she might not have realized, and we learn a thing or two about Victor and why there is suddenly hair on his palms, too. (Victor said, “Shut up!” But we’re typing, not talking, so how exactly can we “shut up”?) And don’t worry, for those of you who agree with us and want more character development, who want depth-well, you know us. We’re clever. Comics editors are stupid. We’ll sneak some of it in there, trust me.
Bleu, Clover, Victor, Alan, & Monkeyboy
The cast of BLUE MONDAY: PAINTED MOON, written and drawn by Chynna Clugston-Majoir, suggested for mature readers, published by Oni Press (cover colors not final)