If you think the upcoming jigglefest Dead or Alive: Paradise looks ridiculous, you’re in good company: The ESRB does too, calling it “cheesy,” “creepy” and “bizarre” in what has to be the most awesome rating summary I’ve ever read.
The bad news first: The original product summary has been pulled down and replaced. Soon after posting the rating, the ESRB toned it down considerably and issued a statement saying it “improperly contained subjective language.” Which is unfortunate, because unlike most dull, dry content descriptors that nobody even glances at, the first rating summary for Dead or Alive: Paradise was absolutely hilarious.
“This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation. Women’s breasts and butts will sway while playing volleyball, while hopping across cushions, while pole dancing, while posing on the ground, by the pool, on the beach, in front of the camera. There are other activities: Users can gamble inside a casino to win credits for shopping; they can purchase bathing suits, sunglasses, hats, clothing at an island shop; they can ‘gift’ these items to eight other women in hopes of winning their friendship, in hopes of playing more volleyball. And as relationships blossom from the gift-giving and volleyball, users may get closer to the women, having earned their trust and confidence: Users will then be prompted to zoom-in on their friends’ nearly-naked bodies, snap dozens of photos, and view them in the hotel later that night.”
“Parents and consumers should know that the game contains a fair amount of ‘cheesy,’ and at times, creepy voyeurism – especially when users have complete rotate-pan-zoom control; but the game also contains bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want (if given two weeks, paid vacation, island resort) – Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs.”
“Our intention with rating summaries is to provide useful, detailed descriptions of game content that are as objective and informative as possible. However they are ultimately written by people and, in this case, we mistakenly posted a rating summary that included what some could rightfully take to be subjective statements,” the ESRB explained. “We sincerely regret the error and will work to prevent this from happening again in the future.”
My regret, on the other hand, is that the ESRB sees this as regrettable. Maybe if more videogame ratings made a point of telling it like it is, parents might actually start paying some attention to them.
Dead or Alive: Paradise is scheduled for release in March 2010 for the PSP and, for the record, is rated M.