Prepare yourself for Privates, the new action game from Zombie Cow Studios that puts players inside the disease-ridden vaginas of teenage British slatterns to do battle with legions of infectious invaders.

I don’t normally just cut-and-paste directly from press releases for new games but I’m going to make an exception in this case because I think it really speaks for itself.

“Britain. Land of Hope and Glory-holes. Where pregnant, waddling teenagers take up the full width of the pavement with their oversized triplet pushchairs, unaware that their rampant, perpetual humping has filled them to the brim with all manner of grotty infections.”

Such is the battleground for Privates, “a platform twin-stick shooter” in which players step into the combat boots of tiny, condom-helmeted marines squaring off against the dark forces of disease. Stretching across five levels of 3-D action, the game features a “fully-voiced comedy script and a nutso soundtrack” as well as at least once instance of the word “merkin.” (Look it up.)

Privates is a totally crazy concept,” said Zombie Cow founder Dan Marshall. “We’re exploring some pretty unique gaming environments and themes. I can honestly say I can’t imagine you’ve ever played anything quite like it.”

Hard as it is to believe, there may even be some educational value to it, although probably of more worth to the slack-jawed daughters of Empire referenced above than those who actually paid attention in health class. “It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate,” the studio claimed, “if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.”

The PC version of Privates will be available as a free download when it comes out this summer, while the Xbox 360 release “will probably cost a little bit of money.” For more information, check out

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