Did you ever want to see TJ Hooker and James T. Kirk fight the real William Shatner amidst chaos caused by a terrorist cult that worships Bruce Campbell? Now you can, in the new novella Shatnerquake.

If you answered “no” to the question posed above, then too bad. You’re going to see it anyway.

The 83-page novella is written by Jeff Burk, the editor of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. Looks like Burk can give as well as he, er, edits. The premise of Shatnerquake is simple – while attending the first annual ShatnerCon, William Shatner finds the proceedings interrupted by the Campbellians, a cult that worships Evil Dead star Bruce Campbell.

And then, all the fictional characters that Shatner has ever played – Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Rescue 911 William Shatner, etc. – come to life and try to kill him. I feel that this excerpt probably sums up the premise:

Shatner turned to face Kirk and raised the bat’leth. Kirk looked around and grabbed a black tube from another table. A brave fanboy ran up and grabbed the object as well and the two wrestled over it. The fanboy had two feet and a good two hundred pounds on Kirk. Shatner smiled, he was finally getting some help.

The fanboy tossed Kirk about, but Kirk refused to let go of the tube. His thumb found a button on the side. Instantly a red beam shot out into the fanboy’s stomach. He let go. Kirk raised the tube and the beam sliced neatly through the fanboy. He fell to his knees as his copious intestines unraveled onto the floor.

Kirk turned around and marveled at the laser-sword as the fanboy tried to put his guts back in.

“Oh shit, Captain Kirk’s got a lightsaber,” someone yelled.

I mean, for cryin’ out loud, the tagline is “William Shatner? William Shatner. William Shatner!” How could you not love it?

(Port Mercury Blogtown, via Comics Alliance)

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