The new Resident Evil: Revelations trailer has left the internet in a state of deep confusion, but luckily for you, I’m here to help.

The truth is that I don’t know a thing about Resident Evil. Zombies, right? And something about umbrellas? Whatever. For once my utter ignorance about one of the most famous videogame franchises of all times [and yes, this ain’t the only one] serves me well, because unlike all the people out there who are struggling to make sense of this trailer in the context of the previous games, I have no such hangups, which provides me with a certain clarity of thought when it comes to figuring out just what exactly is going on here.

So let me lay it out for you.

The video begins with trouble somewhere. Someone has a problem. He needs help, and he’s trying to hire the A-Team. Anton Chigurh is up to his old tricks! Don’t worry, though, because President Gandalf’s got this one. But then the Combine invades! Didn’t see that one coming. Luckily for us, Russell Crowe is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum – and he’s all outta bubblegum!

Meanwhile, back at HQ, Columbo digs deep, while Grayson Hunt and Angerchick struggle to escape the giant amusement park dinosaur! Then, sketchy-looking Russians! “You have your orders!” Fast cuts! And finally, the truth is revealed: Red Foreman is Caesar!

This could very well be the first Resident Evil game I actually want to play.

The 3DS-exclusive Resident Evil: Revelations comes out in Europe on January 27, 2012, while North American gamers have to wait until February 7.

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