A “morally responsible” investment firm has concocted a thorough guide to the most shockingly offensive games you should absolutely, positively, definitely not buy this holiday season. Don’t even think about it.

The Timothy Plan, a Florida-based investment group with strong conservative Christian leanings, is leading the morality police charge this Christmas with its new guide warning consumers about which videogames help destroy children and families with their heathen imagery and untoward elements. The guide, titled “An Inside Look Into Video Games,” includes many of the usual suspects like the Grand Theft Auto games, Manhunt 2, and God of War 2 among other, more surprising titles like World of Warcraft and Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Sex, violence, and drugs, are some of the classic forbidden themes the group zeroes-in on, but the guide also contains a strong anti-gay element, ranking homosexuality high on the no-no list.

As America’s first pro-life, pro-family, biblically-based investment group, the Timothy Plan conducts online research on publically traded companies to gauge their moral integrity. “We then apply that information to maintain a “Do Not Buy List” for your family of morally responsible mutual funds,” the group writes in its gaming guide. “We will not invest in companies that are involved in abortion, pornography, anti-family entertainment, alternative lifestyles, as well as alcohol, tobacco, and gambling.”

In many instances, sex and nudity are often highlight at the top of the list in each entry in the guide, second only to gay and lesbian themes, and followed by violence and other presumably slightly less concerning issues like…oh, I don’t know….getting high. Seriously though, the Timothy Plan seems to have developed a very strong gaydar. It has managed to uncover and highlight even the most tenuous morsels of gayness in games – even when they’re not really there.

Army of Two is pegged for “somewhat homo-erotic undertones between the two main characters.” Grand Theft Auto: IV gets the gay branding because Niko can solicit dates from other males on his website (though he doesn’t actually date them…because he’s straight). Saints Row 2 is flagged for “homosexual encounters” because players can cross dress and change their in-game voice to match their “homosexual or transgender” character they’ve created. Bully: Scholarship Edition is included for its “over the rainbow” achievement obtained by kissing 20 boys. At least Mass Effect is listed because you can actually have lesbian (alien) sex, instead of some other merely quasi-gay encounter. The ridiculous list goes on.

Honestly, if you count yourself one of the many, many people who do in fact enjoy nudity, sex, violence, strong language, addictive games, drugs, demons, gay and lesbian themes, comic mischief, or any of the numerous other red flags cited by the group as being morally reprehensible, you may want to check out their guide just to see what games you should run right out and buy this holiday season. The whole shebang is available for free in PDF format here.

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