All three of these are of my own creation, and are all horrid beyond belief. "Do you like Kraftwerk? Because I want to be the operator of your pocket calculator." "Are you a rider of the Rohirrim? Because my Gondor is calling for your aid." "How about I be the DNA helicase and unzip your genes?"
This one is from a science teacher at my school- *Explains the laws of gravity* "Okay, so two objects that have mass are pulled towards each other, right? Well, I have mass, and you have mass, therefore we must be attracted to each other." He says that's how he met his wife <.<
Man came home drunk with some friends after a night out on the town. One friend noticed the huge gong that the man kept in his living room. The friend asked the man what the gong was for. "It's not a gong," he said, "it's a talking clock". Intrigued, the friend asked how it worked. "Here I'll show yeh." So the man got up and picked up a large stick. He swung at the gong with all his strength and it let out a deafening sound. They waited. Then, from the other side of the wall; "You idiot! It's three o'clock in the fucking morning!"
---------------------- Long and kind of stupid but I like this one:
I once knew a man called Dave. Dave loved to talk and boast. One of the key things he used to boast about was that he knew everyone of importance, I mean everybody. It pissed his workmates off to no end so one day his boss took him aside. "Dave," he said, "you're a meat packer from Takanini and you don't know anyone." "Sure I do," claimed Dave, "I can prove it too." "Fine Dave, do you know Johnny Depp?" "Of course." So Dave's boss decided to end it once and for all. He bought two tickets to California and he and Dave went to see if they could meet Johnny Depp. They eventually found him on set working on a movie. Dave waved at him. In the middle of a take Depp looked up and smiled, striding over to Dave with his hand outreached. "Dave! It's been too long!" Depp greeted Dave like an old friend and he, Dave, and Dave's Boss ended up having lunch together. Dave's Boss was very impressed but still not convinced. "Okay Dave, what about President Barack Obama, do you know him?" "Absolutely!" So they got on a place and headed to Washington D.C. They signed up for the White House tour and Dave directed his boss to a secure area. "I'm sorry you can't come through here," said a tall security official. "I'm here to see the President" said Dave, "I'm Dave." To Dave's boss' surprise the official looked at Dave from over his sunglasses, nodded and stood aside to let him through. Dave directed his boss to the Oval Office where President Obama was at his desk. He looked up and with a smile beckoned Dave and his boss to sit down. They spent the evening having coffee and chatting with the President in the Oval Office. Dave's boss was pretty convinced, but wanted to test it one more time. "Alright Dave, I'll admit that you know everyone if we go to the Vatican and meet Pope Benedict XVI." "Fair enough," says Dave. So they got on the next flight to Rome and travelled to the Vatican. Unfortunately there was a huge crowd gathered to witness an address to be given by the Pope. Dave's boss quickly got tired of trying to battle through the crowd. "Okay, " said Dave, "here's what I'll do. I'll keep going and then come out on the balcony with the Pope. If I do that is that good enough?" Dave's boss agreed, and Dave continued onward. Low in behold when Il Papa emerged he was accompanied by a grinning Dave who waved to the crowd. Dave made his way back to find that paramedics were surrounding the area he had left his boss. Dave rushed over to see his boss in an oxygen mask. He had suffered a heart attack! Gradually Dave's boss recovered. Dave approached him. "You didn't really expect me to do it huh, I guess this means that I know everyone right?" Dave's boss shook his head.
"I saw you with the Pope but that wasn't what did this," he said tapping his chest, "when you came out the person in front of me turned to his friend and said "Who the Hell is that guy up on the balcony with Dave?"
There was a particular handgun match were three shooters were so good they all got perfect scores. The judges decided they will each take a free style shot of their own choosing as a tie-breaker.
First up was a professional target shooter from Austria. He spotted a bee flying along ten meters down range, pulled out his Glock 17 and BLAM! the bee disintegrated. The judges nodded in approval.
Next up was a rancher from Texas, he spotted a fly around 20 meters downrange. He pulled his Colt Single Action in .45 and BOOM! the fly was no more. The judges were impressed.
The third contestant was a Rabbi from Israel. He pointed downrange and said, "Do you see that gnat flying along, about 30 meters from here?"
The judges strained their eyes until they finally saw the gnat. The Rabbi whipped out his Jericho 941 and BLAM! But the gnat kept flying. With great satisfaction, the Rabbi returned the gun to its holster and said, "Gentlemen, that's how it's done."
The judges were flabbergasted, one of them said, "But, you didn't kill the gnat!"
"Kill the gnat? A circumcision is not supposed to be fatal."
Arkvoodle: "This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea."
"Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn't rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This didn't sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldnt detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaws drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name). The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldnt detect a thing. The it was Loff's turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Do you know why?"
Because....
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+IklmIFl1a29uZWQgQmVhIHdoaWZmZWQgRGV3IG9uIEh1Z2ggTG9mZiwgTG92ZWRhdyB3b24gRXdlIEYuIjwvcD4=
I feel kinda stupid, but I can't make sense of the punchline.
OT: A local newspaper was holding a pun contest, and the winner would have their pun proudly displayed in the 1000th issue of the paper. One man was determined to win the contest, so he sent in 10 puns to the contest, hoping at least one would win.
A business man took a vacation down to sunny Florida for the winter one year.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
What do you call two crows on a fence?PHA+QXR0ZW1wdGVkIE11cmRlcjwvcD4=
You know, for just 15c a day, you can feed an African...PHA+VGhleSBlYXQgcGVubmllcy48L3A+
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish...PHA+U2hlIGxpa2VkIHRvIGRyZXNzIHVwIGxpa2UgaGVyc2VsZiBhbmQgYWN0IGxpa2UgYSByYWdpbmcgYml0Y2ggYWxsIHRoZSB0aW1lLjwvcD4=
Hey, speaking of star signs, you want to hear something really ironic? My grandmother was a cancer, and, well...PHA+U2hlIHdhcyBraWxsZWQgYnkgYSBnaWFudCBjcmFiPC9wPg==
racial humour - don't open if you're easily offended. Disclaimer: I am not a racist, I just enjoy a lot of different humour and can laugh with jokes about my own 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
Arkvoodle: "This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea."
"Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn't rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This didn't sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldnt detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaws drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name). The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldnt detect a thing. The it was Loff's turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Do you know why?"
Because....
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+IklmIFl1a29uZWQgQmVhIHdoaWZmZWQgRGV3IG9uIEh1Z2ggTG9mZiwgTG92ZWRhdyB3b24gRXdlIEYuIjwvcD4=
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy in a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I would rather be raped by a dozen whore than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed the drink back and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice!"
What does a condom & a camera have in common? They both capture the moment!
Two men walk into a bar - You would have thought the second one would have seen it!
I booked a horse at 10-1! Came in at quater past three!
In the news a cement mixer has collided with a prison bus! Citizens are to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Two drunks are duck hunting, one drunk shoots down a duck & it lands in the lake. The drunk fisherman whistles for his dog to fetch it. It walks across the top of the water, picks up the duck and brings it back to its master. The other drunk fisherman, amazed by this asks his friend; "How can your dog do that?" To which the fisherman replies; "He can't swim!"
Bloxwich fire station, which has the latest arrival times for arriving at fires has asked for advice as to how to help increase their responce time. Please call them on 10365 4574590876456...Extension 5076!
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+S2VlcCB0aGUgdGlwPC9wPg==
How was copper wire invented?
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+VHdvIEpld3MgZmlnaHRpbmcgb3ZlciBhIHBlbm55PC9wPg==
Mahatma Gandhi walked everywhere barefoot and so the soles of his feet were thick and very hard. He was known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a form of political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+VGhlcmVmb3JlLCB5b3UgY291bGQgc2F5IGhlIHdhcyBhICJzdXBlci1jYWxsb3VzZWQgZnJhZ2lsZSBteXN0aWMgaGV4ZWQgYnkgaGFsaXRvc2lzIjwvcD4=
A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
A guy goes to see his doctor for his yearly medical The doctor says "You're going to have to stop masturbating" The guy asks "Why is that?" The doctor responds "Because I'm trying to give you a medical"
How about some bad pickup lines?
All three of these are of my own creation, and are all horrid beyond belief.
"Do you like Kraftwerk? Because I want to be the operator of your pocket calculator."
"Are you a rider of the Rohirrim? Because my Gondor is calling for your aid."
"How about I be the DNA helicase and unzip your genes?"
This one is from a science teacher at my school-
*Explains the laws of gravity* "Okay, so two objects that have mass are pulled towards each other, right? Well, I have mass, and you have mass, therefore we must be attracted to each other."
He says that's how he met his wife <.<