I hit Tox with a hammer, which I had the whole fucking time, "What's wrong with Lucky Star!? I like the Paffendorf!", I then start clobbering Pyshcos with the hammer I had the whole time.
I die and respawn.
"Fuck you,Lucky Star is a piece of shit IMO!" (Me/B)
I then see the Psychos.
"OH SHIT!" (Me/B)
I start chainsawing them.
''Referencing the previous mallfight?!'' I shout in indignation as I overhear Martintox
''You must pay for your foolishness!''
I aim at his Deloarean and fire the Zeus Blaster, aiming to destroy his ride...but things don't quite go to plan. My Zeus blaster backfires and I just about have time to squeak ''Danger,danger,high voltage'' before I am atomised in a colossal electrical blast
I eat Waffles and Bacon because I never had breakfast today.
"Well,yeah,I was on Mall Fight 2 for like more than 120 pages,don't blame me if I want to reference the shit out of it! Although I try as hard as I can not to." (Me/B)
I then chainsaw Ice Azure to death for EATING MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND!
I find an Escapist Shop. I go in and find the "Kross Banhammer"
Time to kill some bitches.
"Cannibalism. That's pretty dark, man."
"You must think your so creative.", I bust out his stomach, "You know how many people try to eat me!? ON A DAILY BASIS?!"
"Cannibalism from an anime character is even worse." (Me/B)
I run out of the pet store,and back to the Homestuck store. I then get Zillyhoo's hammer.
I walk out of the store,chanting.
I respawn back in the Army surplus store. I find an Ak-47.
''Yes!'' I shout..before discovering to my dismay that there's no ammo.I stroll into the games shop across the way and pick up a chess set. I load the chess pieces into the rifle
''Knight, to mallfight 3'' I dryly declare
I walk around the mall,still chanting,when I see a Monty Python store.
"OH FUCK YEAH!" (Me/B)
I run inside,and I disguise myself as the old man from scene 24.
"Those who must pass the bridge of death must answer me these questions three,dare the other side he see! Yeah,that's pretty good. Oh wait,I got a better one! tho2e who mu2t pa22 the briidge of death mu2t an2wer me the2e que2tiion2 three,dare the other 2iide he 2ee! Oh fuck,a mix of the old man from scene 24 and Sollux would be fucking awesome." (Me/B)
I appear behind Martintox, with my chesspiece-loaded AK-47. I pull the trigger, swiftly planting a Queen into his brain.
''Checkmate!'' I exclaim
It's Saturday and the weather is lousy, so I can't go to the beach. I pick up my Xbox 360 controller, but the batteries are dead, so I decide to go to the mall to get some new ones. As I search for the supermarket, I see a guy running out of the Homestuck store with a hammer.
"Oh, not again!"
I grab a rake from a gardening shop and run to the exit. As I suspected, I can't get out of the mall.
"Well, time to wreck some shit up." I say, as I run after then guy and hit him in the head with the rake.
I respawn,and I smash Mister Morphine with Zillyhoo's hammer.
"TASTE THE POWER OF ZILLYHOO,FOO'!" (Me/B)
I block Tox's Hammer with Deuce Clubs.
"WoAH, mAn! JuSt ChIlL tHe MoThErFuCk OuT! SlAm A mOtHeRfUcKiNg FaYgO oR sOmeThInG!"
I respawn in a Sports and Camping supplies store. Quickly, I snatch up a golf club,some golf balls,some lighter fluid and matches.
I stand on a balcony and send several flaming golf balls blazing at Ren3004.
"do ii look liike ii'm gonna lii2ten two you?" (Me/B)
I somehow Optic Blast Waffles,and I run back into the TF2 store.
I deflect some of the flaming golf balls, but my rake catches fire and I get hit. Before I die, I jump on top of Waffles and set him on fire.
I come out of the store with a Dead Ringer and a Butterfly Knife.
I quickly backstab Morphine while I'm at it,and I run back to the store.
I respawn in the Homestuck Store, I put on a black shirt with Cancer symbol, crab HOMES SMELL YOU LATER and run towards the TF2 store.
I combine the chainsaw with the Dead Ringer,and it becomes...
A DEAD CHAINSAW!
Ok,this is just stupid. It's a chainsaw that can turn me invisible.
I respawn in the bar and pour myself some rum and coke (about 99% rum) I see Waffles running towards the TF2 store downstairs, pick up a lighter and throw it at Waffles!
"AH! Waffles and bacon flambé!"
The Knife slips delicately between my shoulder blades and I die, before shouting ''Curse you Spy!''
I respawn in the novelty gift store. I am shocked to find a large and powerful ''Chicken Cannon' from that one episode of Mythbusters standing before me. I wheel it out and load it up with a frozen chicken.
I fire the cannon and the frozen chicken shoots straight for waffles.
''Waffles is going to live...Myth Busted!'' I shout
I impale some Waffles and Bacon on a Pitchfork, and proceed to stab Martincox, Batman, and the person who appears to have a pickle for a head.
I then go into overlimit and spam Shining Fang.
"Sup,Waffles. Sup,Ren. AND IT'S SPELLED M-A-R-T-I-N-T-O-X!" (Me/B)
I pull myself out of the pitchfork (It's much more painful than it sounds like) and I chainsaw Azure's head off,before dying and respawning in the Awesome-Yet-Unpractical Store.
I, Theodore Roosevelt, leader of the Rough Riders, and the most badass man to have ever lived, enter the mall, with a host of Rough Riders behind me, howling and ready for battle.
"Men, we crushed the Spanish in Cuba! We will not fail against these fools! At the end of the day, I want the flag of our glorious United States to fly over this mall!"
Responded by a chorus of Riders roaring their approval, I slide the bolt partially back on my M-1896 Krag-Jørgensen rifle, checking to see is an extra .30-40 cartridge is loaded in the chamber, in addition to the five-rounds in the rifle's magazine. Satisfied, I slide the bolt forward and usher my men forward.
With that, more than a hundred Rough Riders rush into the mall, followed by many more. As a first order of business, we rush into a forearms store and fortify all entrances to set up a center of command. The store carries plenty of extra .30-40 Krag rounds for our rifles, which we store in a central ammunition stockpile to supplement a defense.
From the outside of the gun store, I see the Old Man from Scene 24 prowling the first level of the store. Caring for no questions, I line the sights of my weapon on my target and squeeze the trigger. The stock of the rifle kicks into my shoulder, and I immediately work the bolt to fire off a second and third round at Martinox, just to make sure he is dead.
I retreat as Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough riders enter. I am happy,having been spared in Azure's massacre. I know there is only one way I can defeat Teddy.
I grab a copy of the Necronomicon and begin reciting a spell. A form comes to life before me...it is none other than Franklin D. Roosevelt. ''Mr. Roosevelt'' I shout!
FDR looks shocked and he sits in his rocket-wheelchair
''I need your assistance to take out your cousin. We need to show him who the greatest president was''.
FDR agrees and we blast off towards Teddy, launching a kamikaze attack with FDR's rocket-wheelchair
I respawn again,and I throw a Black Hole grenade at Teddy Roosevelt. Now,I'm not sure how this works,but I'm pretty sure he dies. I then run away.
I walk out of the store and walk into a random one. I pick up TVTropes.org and begin to bash Mr. Cox on the head repeatedly with it. You die and respawn across the map.
I then Commando lunge across the mall and kill you again. You respawn directly in the crosshairs of Batman holding a sniper rifle who then shoots your head off.
I respawn in the Bat-store and arm myself with batarangs. As I come out, I throw one at Theodore Roosevelt. It explodes.
I respawn,and I punch Ice Azure in the fucking face.
"DAMMIT YOU BITCH I'LL SHOW YOU HOW MUCH YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING!" (Me/B)
I go into the Escapist Store again and find two buttons. I press one and suddenly all of you turn into a beaver. I press the other one and the entire mall begins to spin, after I glue my feet to the ground temporarily. Everyone in the mall except me dies from being tossed all over the place.
The black hole grenade detonates, sucking several Rough Riders into the void, but I barely manage to escape, though at the cost of half of my ammunition. Taking a few extra handfuls of rounds, I turn to face FDR. His wheelchair streaks toward me, but I sidestep it and grab onto the back. FDR and I struggle in midair, but I manage to plant my bayonet in his chest, then remove it by firing into FDR, letting the recoil rip the bayonet free.
I turn back and rush to pursue MrMorphine, not sure whether or not FDR has actually died. I order fifteen Rough Riders to take cover and surround FDR. Should he return, he will be under heavy fire.