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"Am I there yet?"


The star hovers above the horizon, illuminating your surroundings. You have been making your way down a cliffside for hours, and from the look of it it will be hours more before you reach the ground.

Hey, there's a door down there.

"Heh, descending." I lie down and begin to roll towards the ground.

I tie Trilby's shoelaces together and start interrogating New Paddy.

I make a campfire, and start cooking some British bacon.

You roll down the side of the cliff, falling thousands of feet before hitting the ground.


You respawn on the cliff.

Now what?

I respawn. "Shit." I walk sensibly down the cliff until I reach the ground.

You dredge on, passing the door on the way down. The day passes before you reach the sea.


That's not a good sign.

I clap my hands together. "Ohohoho. Adventure beckons." I say, to no one in particular.

I slap New Paddy, my hand leaving a red mark on his grinning cardboard face.
"You think this is fucking funny? You think this is a game, you smug piece of cardboard?"
I tilt a lamp towards his face.
"Now I'm going to ask one more time. What have you done with the bodies?"

"Sigma, you want boiled egg?"

The star sets on the horizon.


That's the edge of the forest. Maybe it would be wise to set camp for the night, unless you want to travel into the woods.

"What would I camp with?" I walk into the forest.

I glance over my shoulder.
"Yeah, thanks. You have any toast over there?"
I turn back to New Paddy.
"Alright, Wise Guy, we'll play it your way. You tell us where you hid the Falcon Malteaser, and we won't hand you over to Gary and his Lads. Sound like a deal?"
New Paddy says nothing, just stares at me with two-dimensional cardboard eyes.
My eye twitches.

"Yeah I got toast-Wait, did you say the Falcon Malteaser?"

I walk over to Sigma, then trip and fall head-first into him.
"Who tied my fucking laces together?"
I untie the laces, then retie them on their own shoes, and look up at Sigma.
"Why are you interrogating New-Paddy?"

My eye continues to twitch. I take a deep breath. Then exhale. Then fall over as Trilby collides with me.
I scrabble to my feet, but New-Paddy has already made a break for it, cleverly disguising his escape attempt as falling over in a breeze.
I pick up a twig and lob it at the cardboard cut out. It bounces off, leaving a mark.
Freeze, scumbag! One more step and I shoot!"
New-Paddy rolls over in the breeze, and I tackle him, scraping the side of my arms on his cardboard edge.
I throw a punch, and he somehow bends around it, his body crumpling around my fist.

I join the group in staring at Sigma's further descent into non-comprehension.

I silently pull out my revolver and shoot Trilby in the spine.

"Didn't say we were done."

I respawn next to Sigma.
"Don't care. Spar with New-Paddy."
I give New-Paddy a knife and throw him at Salt.

"I bet the rest of the guys are doing something worthwhile."

I lapse into a coughing fit, and it doesn't subside for another minute.
I look up at New-Paddy. He's grinning at me. I stare at him, my eyes watering
Suddenly i begin to choke on something in my throat. Coughing and caking, i force it into my mouth and out onto my palm.
Its a Malteaser. I look up at Paddy.
"You bastard...I was...You hid the Falcon Malteaser in me all along...Yo-"
Streams of Malteasers burst from my every orifice, and I drown in a writhing sea of delicious brown chocolate balls.

I start scrambling away from the chocolate-coated-malt-y swarm.
"Wh- what the hell is going on?"
I throw a Molotov at the Malteasers, trying to melt through them.

"IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!" I open my mouth,and begin eating the malteasers.

"Yeah know what, I think I'll go visit Knife too. SIS WAIT UP!"

I start running off in the opposite direction.

The Malteasers begin to form a shape. A monstrous Falcon rises from the sea of chocolatey biscuit balls, eyes burning with a hatred for all non-alcoholic foodstuffs.
"BLLAKJSFHAIURFHIEURFHO8EHHIDUFHA" It roars, before throwing up my respawned self onto the ground. Then it grabs New-Paddy and mates vigorously with the Cardboard. Then it flys away.

You follow the trail into the forest.

It is pitch black. Even with that fancy gas mask of yours, you can hardly see in front of you.

"Uh...Sis? Knife? Fuck, I might've walked a bit too far..."

"Now, I've learned in the past that setting an entire forest on fire is a bad thing. Time to use echolocation!" I completely fail to use echolocation.

You completely fail to fail to use echolocation.

Unfortunately it's just trees and rocks all around. Face it.



I roast a Malteaser over the campfire. I gain +5 Cooking With Random Shit.

"I'm honestly surprised it took a lack of sight for someone to get lost in this place."

"Psssh. Whatever." I continue walking.

I walk over just in time to see the monster falcon fly away. "Well, nice to see nothing's changed while I'e been gone." I say out loud.

"Hey Knife."

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