Mall Fight RP: (CLOSED) (FINISHED)

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I walk over to Sigma, then trip and fall head-first into him.
"Who tied my fucking laces together?"
I untie the laces, then retie them on their own shoes, and look up at Sigma.
"Why are you interrogating New-Paddy?"

My eye continues to twitch. I take a deep breath. Then exhale. Then fall over as Trilby collides with me.
I scrabble to my feet, but New-Paddy has already made a break for it, cleverly disguising his escape attempt as falling over in a breeze.
"Shit."
I pick up a twig and lob it at the cardboard cut out. It bounces off, leaving a mark.
Freeze, scumbag! One more step and I shoot!"
New-Paddy rolls over in the breeze, and I tackle him, scraping the side of my arms on his cardboard edge.
I throw a punch, and he somehow bends around it, his body crumpling around my fist.
"TELL US WHERE YOU HID THAT GOD-DAMN MALTEASER!"

I join the group in staring at Sigma's further descent into non-comprehension.

I silently pull out my revolver and shoot Trilby in the spine.

"Didn't say we were done."

I respawn next to Sigma.
"Don't care. Spar with New-Paddy."
I give New-Paddy a knife and throw him at Salt.

"I bet the rest of the guys are doing something worthwhile."

I lapse into a coughing fit, and it doesn't subside for another minute.
I look up at New-Paddy. He's grinning at me. I stare at him, my eyes watering
Suddenly i begin to choke on something in my throat. Coughing and caking, i force it into my mouth and out onto my palm.
Its a Malteaser. I look up at Paddy.
"You bastard...I was...You hid the Falcon Malteaser in me all along...Yo-"
Streams of Malteasers burst from my every orifice, and I drown in a writhing sea of delicious brown chocolate balls.
"Arglarghlblurghlarglhublarghlurglhlahhghlublublublbubllllllblulbululub"

I start scrambling away from the chocolate-coated-malt-y swarm.
"Wh- what the hell is going on?"
I throw a Molotov at the Malteasers, trying to melt through them.
"NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!"

"IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!" I open my mouth,and begin eating the malteasers.

"Yeah uh...you know what, I think I'll go visit Knife too. SIS WAIT UP!"

I start running off in the opposite direction.

The Malteasers begin to form a shape. A monstrous Falcon rises from the sea of chocolatey biscuit balls, eyes burning with a hatred for all non-alcoholic foodstuffs.
"BLLAKJSFHAIURFHIEURFHO8EHHIDUFHA" It roars, before throwing up my respawned self onto the ground. Then it grabs New-Paddy and mates vigorously with the Cardboard. Then it flys away.
"DAMN YOU NEW-PADDY! DAMN YOOOOUUUUUU"

You follow the trail into the forest.

It is pitch black. Even with that fancy gas mask of yours, you can hardly see in front of you.

"Uh...Sis? Knife? Fuck, I might've walked a bit too far..."

"Now, I've learned in the past that setting an entire forest on fire is a bad thing. Time to use echolocation!" I completely fail to use echolocation.

You completely fail to fail to use echolocation.

Unfortunately it's just trees and rocks all around. Face it.

image
(noirlac)

"HELLO? ANYONE?"

I roast a Malteaser over the campfire. I gain +5 Cooking With Random Shit.

"I'm honestly surprised it took a lack of sight for someone to get lost in this place."

"Psssh. Whatever." I continue walking.

I walk over just in time to see the monster falcon fly away. "Well, nice to see nothing's changed while I'e been gone." I say out loud.

"Hey Knife."

"G'day Sis, how've you been?" Knife asks as he swivels around in the pilot's chair to face Sister.

I shoot Knife in the shin.

I start building a ladder.

"HEY KNIFE IF YOU COULD PULL UP A SECURITY FEED AND HELP ME FIND OUT WHERE THE FUCK I NEED TO GO THAT'D BE NICE."

"OWSONUVABITCH!" I yell, hopping on my uninjured foot. "What the fuck was that for!?"

Meanwhile, Salt's plees go unanswered. Even if Knife could hear him, he'd have to be in the SERCURITY CENTER to even see him, let alone pull up a sercurity feed.

"FUCKING HELL, SOMEBODY HELP!"

A signpost looms on the horizon, where it points to? Nobody knows.

I bump into the signpost and run my hand across it.

"Great fucking help you are."

"Sorry about that."
I shoot Knife in the other shin.
"I meant to shoot you in that leg."

Knife-28:
"G'day Sis, how've you been?" Knife asks as he swivels around in the pilot's chair to face Sister.

"Oh, not bad."

TrilbyWill:
I shoot Knife in the shin.

Knife-28:
"OWSONUVABITCH!" I yell, hopping on my uninjured foot. "What the fuck was that for!?"

TrilbyWill:
"Sorry about that."
I shoot Knife in the other shin.
"I meant to shoot you in that leg."

image

The bullet bounces of the metal of my other shin and zips off into the distance. "I re-illiterate Trilby, WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yell.

"Oi, Sister you there?" Knife says, snapping his fingers.

"BORED!"
I pull out my Gauss rifle, attach the scope, and shoot Salt in the shin.

"Hello? Narrator? What do?"

"I was about to say watch out for stray bullets."

Well... There's not much to do when lost in a forest.

image
(noirlac)

I suppose there's time to chat up the local warlock community.

"Halt foreigner! Ye are not welcome in hither woods."

"Since when have you been this disturbingly vague and foreshadow-y?" Knife asks, raising an eyebrow.

"..." I fire my grenade launcher at Trilby, leaving him to shake off the effects of a point blank flash-bang as I limp off.

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