Mall Fight RP: (CLOSED) (FINISHED)

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I bonk Knife on the back of the head with my metal arm, knocking him unconscious.
When he wakes up, he would find himself wrapped in an enormous piece of cheese and squished between two pieces of bread. I slide the bread onto an oversized grill, and close it.
"Well, now I'm grilling you. That better?"

"So anyways...gonna go bail and find supernatural phenomena to punch in the face. See you two."

I walk out of the shop and to everyone else's gathering.

"So...guys find any supernatural phenomena to punch in the face?"

I turn to Salt.
"Does Sigma count?"

I take Knife out of the oven.
"Trilby! You can't cook people! cooking people is wrong!" I look down at knife, sandwiched between the bread and the cheese.
"Anyway, what orphans? I was cooking tomatoes"

"Sigma...he's mostly harmless."

"I'm completely armless."
My arms fall off.

Now slightly singed, I kick my was out of the bread, punch Tribly in the jaw, then turn to Sigma and wack him on the head. "THEY WERE ORPHANS YOU PSYCHOTIC IDIOT!"

"...Right, I'm just gonna go find some Mesopotamian deity to vanquish or something."

"Sigma, the guy who just killed orphans to make a delicious mean, is harmless?" I say, before Knife punches me.
"HEY!" I yell at Knife. "Do that again, and I'll turn your leg into a pot roast and trick the other you into eating it!"

"Well, he doesn't do it usually!"

"No, usually he just sprays acid out of his nose or some other shit. Totally safe."

"Hence the mostly."

"I want to go back to my quest."

I sit and stare at everyone.
"We need to find another planet to land on or something."

i snap out of it "what the fuck was i thinking?!?!" i said throwing a knife at Trilby and hits him square in the head

Picking myself up off Trilby, I stamp on his elbow with my metal peg leg a few times, eventually messely and painfully severing it. Taking his severed arm, I walk up to Woon and backhand him with it, before stabbing the pointed clump of bone on the end of Trilbys arm, into Woons forehead. "And you two are no fucking better." I say, before stalking off.

I respawn, only to have Knife stomp my arm off.
"That's it. It's pot roast time." I say as I attach a second cybernetic arm to my new stump.
I head up to my workshop, where Knife's severed leg is lying on the ground. I collect it, then head back down to the kitchen area and begin cooking.

i respawn "i throw A KNIFE KNIFE at him!! not you"

"SO IF YOU GUYS SEE ANY WEIRD GHOST SHIT BE SURE TO TELL ME." I say as I start running off.

I run beside Salt, keeping pace.
"If you wanna go Demonhunting you could've said."
I draw a pentagram on Salts forehead, mutter something archaic, and with a red flash and the smell of sulfer, Salt is teleported to the Netherealm.

"I MEANT IN THE PARANORMAL DISTURBANCES GO FIX THEM KIND O-"

I'm cut off by the teleporatation.

"Shit."

I phone Sigma.
"Did you take Salt somewhere bad? And if so, can I come?"

"Hey Salt. Does bustin' make you feel good?"

"All things considering, not really. But it's a cool job and it helps me keep up strength-wise."

I run to a nearby Phonebox and answer the phone.
"I didn't take him anywhere, I sent I'm on an All-Expenses Paid trip to the Netherealm."

"Oh. Well...he can have fun there then."
I shove a suspicious burger down Knife's throat.

"I'll send you too if you like."
I snap my fingers, and a purple orangutan wearing a wizard hat leans out from behind a lamp and pulls Zombie behind it. Two brilliant flashes later, they're gone.
_____________________________________________________
I look down at the card in my hand.
"Looks like I only got two free trips le-sheeeeeit."
The card isn't the one for the All-Expenses paid trip to the Netherealm. Its the one for the Free Holiday to the Plane of Eternal Dicks.
"...Oops."

I look around, and see a bus leading back into the mall.
"Oh thank god- Wait..."
The bus driver casually glances in my direction, pretends not to see me, and then drives off.

"Where the fuck did Sigma send me."

"Y'know, I was legitimately expecting adventure. All I get is phalluses screaming "DICKSDICKSDICKS" in my ear 24/7."

I start running up the sub-basements as to try to get to the dragon.

I whisper into Salts ear.
"no salt u dumbass ur in teh nethrealm zombies in dick dimension capiche comprende pizza"

"Oh hey Salt, how's your sex life?"
I carefully weave my way for the field of genitalia.
"So...see any ghosts or anything?"

"Conqueror of Cocks is a pretty shit warrior title too. Destroyer of Dicks sucks too. Not dicks, but...urgh, fuck it."

"No ghosts. Just these dicks."

"Nice. Just dynamite. Well, wanna look for a way out?"

"You think that wasn't my first plan? As for the sex life, currently nonexistent."

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