Zero Punctuation: Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)

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I think, OH SHIT MY OWN OPINION HAT! Alright, as I was saying, that Duke Nukem survived so long BECAUSE of the promise of tits, until 3d where the game was so GOOD that you had no choice BUT to get it because it was so good, sure there were better, but its humour was icing on the cake. It was also quite sad that Yahtzee was depressed over the game being so shit. Lets all have a soul and swing on his legs, help a fella out.

This game made me cry. No. No joke, the graphics, the target crosshairs, the terrible way people had of talking, this crap could have come out long ago for the PS1 and the Xbox. I'm hella pissed I bought this game. And I waited for Yahtzee to crucify the game but he just shakes his head and walks away. WHAT?

2 elements keep popping up in Duke Forever reviewers:

- feeling betrayed by hype they themselves fed
- living this bash as a coming of age realization

If they limited themselves to slamming the graphics and gameplay, I would take them more seriously. It's also good to know that fps games nowadays are so much more evolved than Duke's mindless shooting, almost philosophy.

TypeSD:

Did you two even listen to the first part of the video? This EXACT topic is what he opens with.

Yeah I listened, and I don't believe him. I think he's trying to save face after making a joke review and getting egg all over his face when Douk actually came out. I don't buy it.

CriticKitten:

It was pretty obvious

To you

CriticKitten:
from the tone of his last review that he didn't think the game should ever come out because it would be getting released in an age in which games of its type have become largely irrelevant

Sure thing bro, whatever you say. Heh.

Long loading times you say?
I haven't noticed them at all...
The loading times are only about a second (maybe 2 seconds) each...
Oblivion has longer loading times...
Especially with all the mods...

It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play the PC version. Obviously the content isn't different, but the controls, graphics, frame rate, and loading times are a lot better.

NinjaDeathSlap:
This is the first time I've heard him sound kinda depressed about being forced to hate on a game.

Yeah. This was depressing. I really didn't think it would be like this. I am almost more sad than entertained. I didn't think that even Yahtzee didn't think the game would be this bad. Yahtzee is all about never having hope that a game will be great, but DNF made him have hope....and then killed it just like the twins.

My God, really? I said this, on here, not a week ago: Duke Nukem has damned near N64-era aliasing, and just like the fuckin' Wayans Brothers movies, pointlessly refers to things and calls it "satire" because its "writers" don't know what a simulacrum is.

"Where's the beef?"

See? I'm a brilliant satirist!

...and that, Escapists, is how you do sarcasm.

Ace IV:

TypeSD:

Did you two even listen to the first part of the video? This EXACT topic is what he opens with.

Yeah I listened, and I don't believe him. I think he's trying to save face after making a joke review and getting egg all over his face when Douk actually came out. I don't buy it.

CriticKitten:

It was pretty obvious

To you

CriticKitten:
from the tone of his last review that he didn't think the game should ever come out because it would be getting released in an age in which games of its type have become largely irrelevant

Sure thing bro, whatever you say. Heh.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Yahtzee's a big boy and doesn't feel the need to defend himself or his actions at all, as any regular viewer would be able to tell.

But feel free to keep insisting otherwise, "bro". ;)

Only one thing to say really... why don't you play them games that deserve it on a PC? Is it really so hard to get a cheap desktop for once to game on instead of tormenting yourself with excruciating controls, long loading times you seem to be bringing up with every second game you play and trying to actually play games on a laptop or having to do it off-site. Is the "platform" you apparently spent your youth on and developed half a dozen games for (what... they didn't offer you to release them on the X360?... how could Microsoft, shame xD) really so lowly valued by you that it isn't even worth spending 600$ (or whatever the Australian equivalent is) on it from all the money you probably make with all this stuff?

Can't really say much about Duke, cause I haven't played it yet but I fully intend to :P

Wow... he actually sounded like he was about to start crying in the middle of the video.

This was a good review. It was balanced and fair, and as a fellow Duke fan of yesteryear I am glad to see a fair and candid review of the game.

I can't believe you can't give money to the strippers...

Forshame.

'Twas magic, sir. Not as frothing-at-the-mouth as I thought it would be.

I liked it. >_>
Sure it wasn't amazing, but I went into it knowing it wouldn't live up to the 14 years of production or the old ones...

That was the funniest ending to a review that you've done Yahtzee. Bravo.

Right up there with the beginning of Fallout 3's review.

BlackWidower:
Gee, considering all the scathing reviews this game's gotten across the web, I thought he'd evicerate it. If you ask me, he went too easy on it.

But isn't Yahtzee the guy who does the opposite of what everyone seems to do? If a game is good, he usually tears it apart. If a game is bad, he sometimes shows mercy.

NinjaDeathSlap:
This is the first time I've heard him sound kinda depressed about being forced to hate on a game.

i picked that up to, might explain why it lacked the fury ah-la 'kain and lynch 2' i was expecting, cause i was really expecting him to pull this game apart, ah well, good video though

Well thank fuck Yahtzee did this or else i wouldn't of known this game was bad.

OT: how did he get this into Australia

GameMaNiAC:

BlackWidower:
Gee, considering all the scathing reviews this game's gotten across the web, I thought he'd evicerate it. If you ask me, he went too easy on it.

But isn't Yahtzee the guy who does the opposite of what everyone seems to do? If a game is good, he usually tears it apart. If a game is bad, he sometimes shows mercy.

We talking the same Yahtzee?

I was... somewhat surprised that Yahtzee chose - CHose, mind you - to play a FPS on a console instead of a PC - particularly given how everybody's already noted the PC version is much, MUCH better -
but it was still a much better, and more realistic, review than he's given in years.

Good review, I liked that he actually took the time to dissect what was wrong with it rather than just saying "this sucks" over and over in colourful ways. A very well-structured review.

Of course, it's not going to affect by buying choices since I'd already decided to give DNF a miss, but good entertainment anyway!

Draconalis:
Some people claim that Yahtzee's popularity has been dwindling... I don't think those people try to access the site on the days he releases a video...

Ugh...

GrizzlerBorno:
As much as I love Yahtzee....I absolutely fucking HATE how slow the site becomes at this exact time of the week.

Seriously. I Just....CAN'T load this goddamn video. Oh Balls to it, I'll watch it in the morning!

...that's certainly another advantage of living in Australia - it comes out in the middle of the night, so by the time you wake up and watch it the traffic spike is over! :)

I was expecting more of a rant for this review, but I still enjoyed it.
The sheer honesty was brutal enough.

I think this is the single most disturbing review he's released so far. I mean, by the end he had me almost teared with the sincerity of the idea of helping Duke kill itself.... I think he was actually serious this time around.

artanis_neravar:
Who is that guy that appears in almost all of these reviews? (obviously I am not referring to stick Yahtzee I mean the picture used as Dukes cover)

He's some guy in a German photographer's collection of people making blank faces. What has art come to?

I was also disappointed a bit because I was expecting something more colourful like the earlier reviews. I'm afraid they're getting a little dull, but that could be because I'm getting used to it.

mikespoff:

Draconalis:
Some people claim that Yahtzee's popularity has been dwindling... I don't think those people try to access the site on the days he releases a video...

Ugh...

...that's certainly another advantage of living in Australia - it comes out in the middle of the night, so by the time you wake up and watch it the traffic spike is over! :)

Heh... I didn't even know that message made it through. I gave up and moved on.

There was real passion here. Like Yahtzee was coming through with an emotion other than abject hatred (references to Portal and SH2 notwithstanding). It was touching. It was also hilarious.
And I think I may have shed a tear or two.

I knew a game like this was going to be bad. I've heard one bad review after another and quite frankly, I'm not surprised.

metamorphosis18:

but it was still a much better, and more realistic, review than he's given in years.

If you come to Zero Punctuation looking for a realistic review, you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what Yahtzee tries to do in these videos.

Ace IV:

Yeah I listened, and I don't believe him. I think he's trying to save face after making a joke review and getting egg all over his face when Douk actually came out. I don't buy it.

Oh okay, so that is how you think "Duke" is spelled. Wow. First time you screwed it up, I chalked it up as just a really weird mistake.

is it me or is yatzee an DN3d fan it as every one else said he was disappointed it feels asthough he may at one point been a very loyal fan of Duke Nukem all in all this was actullay kinda of depressing.

tehweave:
"I expected it to dissapoint, just not this much."

You and everyone else. Am I the ONLY person who knew this was going to suck ass? Moreso than what most people anticipated?

Well, before, I had thought this: Duke Nukem Forever will be one of two things:

1) one of the very greatest games of all time, or
2) a total, absolute piece of motherfucking shit

One or the other. Nothing in between the two whatsoever.

Does that count?

By the way, Yahtzee, +50 points for a (modified) "Laugh-In" reference in the credits.

For those who don't know, one recurring bit from "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" was this "Fickle Finger of Fate" award. I honestly don't know much about it; I simply know of that name.

EDIT: Also, a Jaws remake without a shark? Now THERE'S an idea for a movie!...

...

Uwe Boll would make that.

I don't think we should mourn Duke Nukem yet. DNF's release is like the end of very long awkward pause in conversation; It doesn't matter how it ends - at least now Gearbox and 3D-Realms can make something better rather than agonize any further about Forever.

Wow, Yahtzee's review seemed a little more lenient then Russ Pitts....what is the world coming to :S

Goldhawk777:
This game made me cry. No. No joke, the graphics, the target crosshairs, the terrible way people had of talking, this crap could have come out long ago for the PS1 and the Xbox. I'm hella pissed I bought this game. And I waited for Yahtzee to crucify the game but he just shakes his head and walks away. WHAT?

Yahtzee's disappointment is probably the worst thing a game can receive from him.

Look at Kane and Lynch: Dog Days. Yahtzee HATED that game, and he blew it to pieces.

But this? Yahtzee couldn't even bring himself to really bash the game. It was just...sad

Ugh.

That's all I got to say about Duke Nukem Forever. Just..."ugh".

This game fared better as a Vaporware, because it's so much more exciting to imagine what could have been instead of what is for something that has went deep underground for so long. It's much like the Holy Grail or Jimmy Hoffa's body: it's the search that actually makes it exciting, not the actual discovery.

If I wanna be a bit truer to my Yahtzee's Nahtzee nature, I'll say that this game is the equivalent of a zombified corpse of Kurt Cobain. It's exciting to see him come back, yes, but you'd sooner put two through his head instead of risking him re-starting his music career again.

Goldhawk777:
This game made me cry. No. No joke, the graphics, the target crosshairs, the terrible way people had of talking, this crap could have come out long ago for the PS1 and the Xbox. I'm hella pissed I bought this game. And I waited for Yahtzee to crucify the game but he just shakes his head and walks away. WHAT?

In only serves to further my theory that deep within the cold black void where his heart used to be, Yahtzee is still human, and is not quite cruel enough to bust the nuts of a game already down on the floor bleeding profusely to death. XD

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