Madame Web Is a Mess of Ineptitude [Review]

Warning: The following article about Madame Web contains spoilers.

By this point, we shouldn’t really expect much from live-action Sony superhero movies. With other films such as Morbius, it seems like Sony can do no right with any of their superhero franchises. The best thing they ever did was let Marvel do their Marvel magic with Spider-Man, and that turned out brilliantly. Now, Sony is trying to set up its own Spider-Man adjacent universe, and Madame Web is their latest attempt to get it off the ground.

I’m not going to mince words here – I had very little hope for Madame Web. Between lackluster trailers and middling box office predictions, the film felt like it was just another passionless exercise by Sony in their effort to launch a franchise that even has a hope of taking some of the spotlight away from Marvel. But, oh dear, was I wrong. Not about the quality of the film – it’s absolutely terrible, just like everyone is saying – but about just how soulless of a project Madame Web is. When I say I felt nothing by this movie, I mean it. Absolutely nothing affected or impacted me at all. This is what happens when executives try to make a movie, and almost everything about this film is wrong on some level.

For those who are unfamiliar with the character, Madame Web is a supporting character from the Spider-Man mythos who has precognition and often uses it to aid Spider-Man in his adventures. Most people are probably familiar with her depiction in the ’90s animated Spider-Man series, but the Madame Web of this film is wildly different from there. This film is an origin story detailing how Madame Web, or rather Cassandra Webb, played by Dakota Johnson, was able to gain her powers and use them to help save the lives of three girls from a man named Ezekiel Sims, played by Tahar Rahim, who believes these three girls are going to kill him. Why? Because he can see the future, too. Why can he see the future? Peruvian spider bites. No, I shall not elaborate further.

So much of Madame Web just kind of happens, and the filmmakers expect you to just roll with it. Whether it be Sims’ own powers or how the girls will eventually become Spider-Women, you’re not supposed to think about anything in this movie. Cassandra’s inconsistent abilities are problematic since sometimes, she’ll have a vision when she can control her future sight, but most of the time, she’s unable to, leading to a plot where events happen because the plot dictated it. There’s very little to be engaged by with the film as Cassandra comes across as a cynical jerk. She doesn’t interact well with others outside of her paramedic partner Ben Parker – yes, THAT Ben Parker – played by Adam Scott. There’s nothing wrong with trying to have an abrasive character be your lead, but when they’re too abrasive and are in conflict with virtually everyone they interact with, they cease to be endearing and just become rude. Plus, when they suddenly become a more altruistic person, it’s just not believable in the slightest.

The rest of the cast doesn’t fare much better. The three girls she has to protect from Sims all come across as having varying levels of stupidity and impulsiveness. When they are fully aware that a killer is trying to brutally murder them, it’s hard to find sympathy when they intentionally do stupid things and find themselves in harm’s way. Nearly every time these three girls are separated from Cassandra, they end up in situations where they need to be saved, leading to Cassandra chastising them and all three girls apologizing like they got caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. Do that once – it’s decent character development. Do that three times, and it makes you wonder why Cassandra is trying so hard to save them from Sims.

Not that Sims is a compelling antagonist, mind you. Sims barely exists as a character and feels like a discount Spider-Man villain in every way. Don’t let his knock-off Spider Suit fool you – there is nothing spectacular or amazing about him. He functions like a Terminator, mindlessly hunting down the three girls he believes will kill him and hacking into the NSA just to track them down. In a way, given the film’s 2003 setting, there are seeds here about how government surveillance and the forfeiture of civil liberties post-9/11 was a bad idea, but the film does nothing with it. Instead, we get a villain who fails to be intimidating not only because of his lack of personality but because of his poor dubbing.

Oh yes, if you thought the plot of Madame Web was worthy of ridicule, the technical elements are just as bad. Nearly every time Sims speaks, he’s dubbed over. The camera work is nauseating whenever any spider abilities are shown off. There are scenes where you can clearly tell he’s talking to someone else, yet his mouth is not moving, and this is noticeable from the first scene. In that same scene, there’s a cut that is so jarring it made me think the film skipped a few frames. For a film with an $80 million budget, it feels remarkably cheap, almost like this was a VOD movie. I know people love to make fun of Morbius, but that film is more technically coherent than this film. Yes, the usage of CGI in Morbius was laughable, but at least I could kind of tell what’s happening in each scene.

That isn’t the case with Madame Web. The film tries to depict Cassandra’s abilities by showing the audience what the possible reality she’s experiencing is, then cutting back to an earlier point in the scene, usually a loud noise, and showing how Cassandra decides to change the past. Sometimes, it’s the sound of a train or a balloon popping, but eventually, your brain is trained to think that whenever you hear a loud noise, the film will pull this trick on you. Like when the girls are put in danger, one time is fine, but when it’s used as frequently as it is here, then it just becomes distracting. Then, when you add multiple visions on top of each other, it’s impossible to tell what’s actually happening and what’s fake. And sometimes, it’s through these non-existent scenes that plot essential information is just dumped on us, like how Sims’ powers work, creating plenty of plotholes you can drive a truck through.

Look, I’ll be the first to say that I hated Morbius, but I could at least derive enjoyment from it at parts. The cast seemed to be aware they were in a turd of a movie, and some of them, mostly Matt Smith, just opted to have fun chewing the scenery. But there’s none of that here. There’s very little joy to be had since the film takes itself so seriously and thinks that it’s trying to have some deep and insightful commentary on predestination and responsibility (yes, they even say that line even though it makes no sense to do so). While that may be the intention that the film is trying to portray for the viewers, the actual intention is clear: set up spin-offs and future films. With three Spider-Women who will each gain powers, as well as Cassandra becoming an automaton of a character as she assumes more of that Madame Web persona, the film is trying desperately to make you care about its cast to the point that you’ll want to see their future adventures. You won’t, though.

Superhero fatigue is a very real thing. Marvel’s 2023 was rough, to say the least, and while people are excited for Deadpool 3, I think it’s safe to say that the MCU’s time in the sun has passed as more and more viewers are turned off by mediocre products. DC is currently restructuring its entire cinematic universe after failing to find a way to replicate Marvel’s methods. Most superhero TV shows have come to an end, so seeing Madame Web trotted out and putting on a subpar pony show feels like the final straw. After years of diminishing returns and lukewarm audience reception, this is by far one of the worst superhero movies of the past decade, if not the worst. There is virtually nothing redeemable about this film, and it represents everything wrong with how to craft not only a superhero movie but an action movie in general.

I don’t want to call this the worst superhero movie ever made, though, not only because I feel it’s too soon to make a clear judgment on the film but also because it’s too boring to really elicit that claim. I’m not raging into the night about how I wasted my valuable time watching Madame Web. In reality, I’ll probably forget about this movie within a few short days, and then I’ll go back to thinking of cinematic disasters like Fant4stic or Catwoman. When you compare this film to its peers, though, you’ll see that it does almost everything wrong. I know it’s way too soon to even start thinking of the worst movie of 2024, but unless a truly awful disaster appears in the next 10 months, Madame Web is the early frontrunner for that prize. It has it all. Poor acting, terribly written characters, shoddy camera work and editing, nonsensical set pieces, and audio that is noticeably bad. What more can you ask for?

Madame Web is in theaters now.