“It’s about time we take a stand and MAKE GAMING GREAT!” – D.L. Com
An unexpected press release hit a number of desks today, announcing what is almost certainly the first ever presidential candidate to shatter partisan lines by embracing literally anybody that calls themselves a “PC Gamer.” It’s a bold strategy that carries a lot of risk. The full text of the press release is below.
Seattle, WA – April 27, 2016 – The PC Gaming Master Race has entered its own candidate into the 2016 campaign for President of the United States: Mr. D.L. Com. As the face of PC gaming, he issued a call for gamers to flock to his banner, saying, “We know that gaming has let you down in the past. Join me, and let’s make PC gaming great!”
As a founding member of the PC Gaming Master Race, Mr. Com knows that times have been tough for gamers of late. Framerates are down, crappy PC ports are everywhere, and you can’t swing a cat without hitting a console peasant these days. But it’s important not to despair, he says. “PC gamers may have had a rough few years, but we’re strong, resilient, and we have the best hardware you can find. When PC gamers work in parallel, nothing can stop us!”
D.L. Com’s resume is impressive. After playing PC games through the years; Zork to Bard’s Tale, Doom to The Witcher, he’s experienced the growth of hardware, genres, and the internet. He’s got 2,500 games on his Steam account, and he’s actually played them all. He’s led clans in Battlefield and Call of Duty, as well as guilds in World of Warcraft and Everquest. Unlike some candidates, he has great hair, average-or-better size hands, and a kick-ass gaming PC. Most importantly, he’s been fighting for the needs of the PC Gaming Master Race since its inception.
For a preview of what his platform will entail, Mr. Com laid out a few points:
- We’ll put a 4k Monitor on every desk in the country by 2018, and we’ll make China pay for it.
- Our first act in office will be an executive order criminalizing FPS caps on PC games.
- We will push through legislation making it illegal to release a game without a dedicated PC version of equal or greater quality.
- We will work towards a constitutional amendment strictly forbidding pay-to-win microtransactions. .
By taking principled stands on these and other issues of vital importance to PC gamers, our campaign will show that it is the only real choice for voters in the 2016 election. We will be talking more about our platform in the coming weeks.
You can learn more about Mr. Com’s unorthodox announcement here. The Escapist is proud to be a partner in this campaign, so we’ll be commandeering the entire Video Games channel page to serve as the official campaign page for the duration. Be sure to check back often for more information on the first ever PC Gaming representative!
Follow the campaign on Twitter, if that’s your thing.