Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted! It is 100 gallons per mile.

I wish I could turn invisible.

I wish for a wish granting being that grants wishes on my intentions and does not twist my words so they give me negative results.

Granted, your words aren't twisted, but 90% of all the bones in your body are!

I wish for more cowbell.

Granted, Grunts from Halo will now shower you in plasma grenades. Oh and I turned on the Cowbell skull.

I wish for more vacation time.

I grant your wish, you get endless vacation time as you are fired.

I wish for good games in 2013.

Granted but due to power outages every time you go to save, blackout.

I wish for a woolly knit hat.

Granted but it is knitted in wire-wool, causing untold scratchiness.

I wish for a quick death.

Granted but the nuclear explosion kills a lot of people you love too.

I wish for more naps like the one I just had.

Granted, but 90% of naps will result in bedwetting.

I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

Granted the other punks laugh at you but you just signed a record deal with Disney.

I wish pop was a better form of music.

Granted, it becomes a tiny bit better, but all other genres no longer exist.

I wish there were less cats on the internet.

Granted, but now they're all in your house, and they're all hungry for human flesh.

I wish I lived somewhere nicer.

Granted. Welcome to the Kingdom of Caring, home of Care Bears.

I wish I had more books.

You have every book, but they are all in a long-forgotten language.

I wish I had more things to do.

Granted, you don't have enough time to do any of them!

I wish I had a clue.

I wish for a lawyer to write out these wishes for me.

You get one, meet my good friend

I wish I was more tolerant.

Granted, your tolerance morphs into extreme apathy for everything.

I wish for Cookie Dough ice cream that isn't terrible for your body.

Granted, but you only get to eat it once.

I wish I had a jetpack.

You get an awesome jet-pack, but every time you use it, you hit an invisible wall a meter above your head.

I wish for a comfier bed.

Your bed is very comfortable, milud, but I am sorry to report that it is filled with wasps.

I wish for the chance to sleep with Brian Blessed.

Granted, you literally only sleep with him, and you don't go to sleep or wake up with him.

I wish I had a better saw to cut wood with. Hand saws take forever.

Granted you now can only use balsa wood.

I wish to remember 2012 fondly.

Granted, you fondly remember everything bad that happened and everyone thinks you're a psycho.

I wish to have a good New Year's.

Granted you wake up New Years Day in the drunk tank at the local PD.

I wish my flatscreen was bigger.

Granted it is now equally wide and deep. You have an old box television essentially.

I wish for a box of fireworks.

Granted, the moment you touch them, they go off in your face.

I wish for less alcohol.

Granted, all of your alcohol has now been given to children.

I wish my dog wasn't sick. :[

I wish I wasn't this horribly evil.

Granted, people treat you like a doormat cause you're so nice.

I wish I was less bitter about things.

Granted! Now you're super nice and optimistic, to the point that no one will talk to you!

I wish dogs never died. Sigh.

I wish I was horribly evil again so I am not a doormat.

Granted, your a evil doormat that eats little old ladies shoes.

I wish I was Batman.

I wish people would read the wishes and note the things I specifically stated I wouldn't be coughdoormatcough.

Granted, You're a matdoor. How does that work? I have no clue.

I wish I was more clever.

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