Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted! A marble statue is unaffected by any virus, bacteria, or allergy that touches it!

I wish I could write wishes in such a way that there is no exploitable loopholes in them.

Granted, but you immediately lose your fingers and the ability to make your wishes known to others.

I wish to be the most powerful being in the universe.

Granted, your alone in an empty reality where you can never die. Have fun with eternity!

I wish to have a control of so other wish granting being that doesn't actively try to harm me.

Granted, it hurts everyone you love instead.

I wish for gambling problems.

Granted, you gamble away your house.

I wish to win big at gambling!

You won BIG! Really big! You got second place in the lottery! Ceaser's Legion lottery! You lucky bastard, you just got broken legs as everyone else got rape, torture, and crucifixion!

I wish my life was miserable, only bad, and horrible things would happen to me!

Granted, it doesn't happen to you, only to the people you love and cherish.

I wish to add more manga to my collection.

Granted have all the Naruto hentai in the world!

I wish I didn't grant that wish.

Granted, but I also granted you that wish again.

I wish my car was a sphinx with tank tracks.

Granted! It is 100 gallons per mile.

I wish I could turn invisible.

I wish for a wish granting being that grants wishes on my intentions and does not twist my words so they give me negative results.

Granted, your words aren't twisted, but 90% of all the bones in your body are!

I wish for more cowbell.

Granted, Grunts from Halo will now shower you in plasma grenades. Oh and I turned on the Cowbell skull.

I wish for more vacation time.

I grant your wish, you get endless vacation time as you are fired.

I wish for good games in 2013.

Granted but due to power outages every time you go to save, blackout.

I wish for a woolly knit hat.

Granted but it is knitted in wire-wool, causing untold scratchiness.

I wish for a quick death.

Granted but the nuclear explosion kills a lot of people you love too.

I wish for more naps like the one I just had.

Granted, but 90% of naps will result in bedwetting.

I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

Granted the other punks laugh at you but you just signed a record deal with Disney.

I wish pop was a better form of music.

Granted, it becomes a tiny bit better, but all other genres no longer exist.

I wish there were less cats on the internet.

Granted, but now they're all in your house, and they're all hungry for human flesh.

I wish I lived somewhere nicer.

Granted. Welcome to the Kingdom of Caring, home of Care Bears.

I wish I had more books.

You have every book, but they are all in a long-forgotten language.

I wish I had more things to do.

Granted, you don't have enough time to do any of them!

I wish I had a clue.

I wish for a lawyer to write out these wishes for me.

You get one, meet my good friend

I wish I was more tolerant.

Granted, your tolerance morphs into extreme apathy for everything.

I wish for Cookie Dough ice cream that isn't terrible for your body.

Granted, but you only get to eat it once.

I wish I had a jetpack.

You get an awesome jet-pack, but every time you use it, you hit an invisible wall a meter above your head.

I wish for a comfier bed.

Your bed is very comfortable, milud, but I am sorry to report that it is filled with wasps.

I wish for the chance to sleep with Brian Blessed.

Granted, you literally only sleep with him, and you don't go to sleep or wake up with him.

I wish I had a better saw to cut wood with. Hand saws take forever.

Granted you now can only use balsa wood.

I wish to remember 2012 fondly.

Granted, you fondly remember everything bad that happened and everyone thinks you're a psycho.

I wish to have a good New Year's.

Granted you wake up New Years Day in the drunk tank at the local PD.

I wish my flatscreen was bigger.

Granted it is now equally wide and deep. You have an old box television essentially.

I wish for a box of fireworks.

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