Granted! It is 100 gallons per mile.
I wish I could turn invisible.
I wish for a wish granting being that grants wishes on my intentions and does not twist my words so they give me negative results.
Granted, your words aren't twisted, but 90% of all the bones in your body are!
I wish for more cowbell.
Granted, Grunts from Halo will now shower you in plasma grenades. Oh and I turned on the Cowbell skull.
I wish for more vacation time.
I grant your wish, you get endless vacation time as you are fired.
I wish for good games in 2013.
Granted but due to power outages every time you go to save, blackout.
I wish for a woolly knit hat.
Granted but it is knitted in wire-wool, causing untold scratchiness.
I wish for a quick death.
Granted but the nuclear explosion kills a lot of people you love too.
I wish for more naps like the one I just had.
Granted, but 90% of naps will result in bedwetting.
I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
Granted the other punks laugh at you but you just signed a record deal with Disney.
I wish pop was a better form of music.
Granted, it becomes a tiny bit better, but all other genres no longer exist.
I wish there were less cats on the internet.
Granted, but now they're all in your house, and they're all hungry for human flesh.
I wish I lived somewhere nicer.
Granted. Welcome to the Kingdom of Caring, home of Care Bears.
I wish I had more books.
You have every book, but they are all in a long-forgotten language.
I wish I had more things to do.
Granted, you don't have enough time to do any of them!
I wish I had a clue.
I wish for a lawyer to write out these wishes for me.
You get one, meet my good friend
I wish I was more tolerant.
Granted, your tolerance morphs into extreme apathy for everything.
I wish for Cookie Dough ice cream that isn't terrible for your body.
Granted, but you only get to eat it once.
I wish I had a jetpack.
You get an awesome jet-pack, but every time you use it, you hit an invisible wall a meter above your head.
I wish for a comfier bed.
Your bed is very comfortable, milud, but I am sorry to report that it is filled with wasps.
I wish for the chance to sleep with Brian Blessed.
Granted, you literally only sleep with him, and you don't go to sleep or wake up with him.
I wish I had a better saw to cut wood with. Hand saws take forever.
Granted you now can only use balsa wood.
I wish to remember 2012 fondly.
Granted, you fondly remember everything bad that happened and everyone thinks you're a psycho.
I wish to have a good New Year's.
Granted you wake up New Years Day in the drunk tank at the local PD.
I wish my flatscreen was bigger.
Granted it is now equally wide and deep. You have an old box television essentially.
I wish for a box of fireworks.
Granted, the moment you touch them, they go off in your face.
I wish for less alcohol.
Granted, all of your alcohol has now been given to children.
I wish my dog wasn't sick. :[
I wish I wasn't this horribly evil.
Granted, people treat you like a doormat cause you're so nice.
I wish I was less bitter about things.
Granted! Now you're super nice and optimistic, to the point that no one will talk to you!
I wish dogs never died. Sigh.
I wish I was horribly evil again so I am not a doormat.
Granted, your a evil doormat that eats little old ladies shoes.
I wish I was Batman.
I wish people would read the wishes and note the things I specifically stated I wouldn't be coughdoormatcough.
Granted, You're a matdoor. How does that work? I have no clue.
I wish I was more clever.