Sexual Guilt

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Spot1990:

wulf3n:
Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.

Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.

Kinda picking at nits there :P

So "forced" wasn't the best word. How about coerced?

edit: Also given the "crotch grabbing" at the beginning of the story, I could argue that forced may have been the appropriate term from my perspective... but I wont :)

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding here, but is your problem that things got a bit further than you thought they would? And you feel shame because you think you were misleading her?

Do you feel violated in any way?

As for sex, it's like anything else; you get better at it with experience, and if you and your partner know what each other likes.

And whether you're a virgin or not, depends on your definition. It's just a label and it's not like you're spoiled for marriage now.

Y'know, I'm glad you called me out on that...
I might've been pushing my own insecurities with my comment...
I need to learn...

Here is the ultimate proof, that Moderators aren't real people! :D
Seriously, it is very nice to see a person do this on an internet forum even if (and also because) that person is a Mod.

Honestly, if you didn't somehow make a direct promise of forming a relationship, and that was the reason for sex, you shouldn't feel guilty.
She's fully capable of handling her own emotions, and if she wanted to have sex with you, theres no shame in liking that part without wanting more.
If she only wanted to have sex based on the idea that it'd lead to a relatoinship, she should've just waited till she was in a relationship.

Don't treat sex as something women do in order to achieve something from you.
Don't act like you owe anyone something just because you had sex with them (appart from putting effort into making
them enjoy it as well while you're at it ofc :p)

If you really wanna bash your head against a wall for something, do it for not acting like a gentleman and not offering her some oral sex in return.

Don't take this too hard, i know the fell myself, and have been in situations somewhat like yours.

If it helps you, think about it this way:
If you like a girl, and ends up having sex with her, only for her to leave afterwards, not wanting a relationship, you'd still probably be like, "well, at least i had some nice sex with her"
just because you can't have the full menu, doesn't mean you can't appreciate the starter.

OMGz! FRIENDZONE! It can happen to gurls!?

On a serious note, if I see it from her point of view if a guy crawled into my window at night I'd assume he was up for it.
It seemed to be her plan to get you there and you went with it, I can't blame her for wanting more.
IMO, you should have said, "Okay thanks, can you hold onto it and I'll come and collect it in the morning?" then gone to her front door, taken your thing and left unless you wanted to stay for a chat.

I don't know many guys who would turn down sex, so I wouldn't feel bad. I've even had guys fake interest in me to get a bit of sex but you seem like a genuinely nice guy and didn't want that. Crawling through her window wasn't a smart move because it would make me think you were interested. She was coming onto you and you sounded pretty taken aback so like I said, don't feel guilty over it.

Don't crawl through any more girls bedroom windows unless you are interested and it might be a good idea to not see this girl again for a while. Make sure she knows where you both stand in this situation.

Spot1990:
Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.

A fair point. The issue here, at least for me, was my emotional response, not whether or not everything was consensual, because it was.

Lieju:
I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding here, but is your problem that things got a bit further than you thought they would?

I guess that's at least part of it. Kinda threw me for a loop, but I wasn't like completely shocked or anything.

Lieju:

Do you feel violated in any way?

No, violated isn't the right word. More like cheap. I'm not opposed to sex, but I at least expected it would be with someone I was close to, and not somebody I hadn't even known for 24 hours. But I guess that's just a pitfall of being impulsive.

Lieju:

As for sex, it's like anything else; you get better at it with experience, and if you and your partner know what each other likes.

I appreciate the sentiment, but my performance isn't really the point of concern. I mean, I think I did just fine, it would be kind of hard to mess up really.

Mossberg Shotty:
I mean, I think I did just fine, it would be kind of hard to mess up really.

You still know, you didn't return the favor, right?

nuttshell:

Mossberg Shotty:
I mean, I think I did just fine, it would be kind of hard to mess up really.

You still know, you didn't return the favor, right?

Is that a terribly rude thing to do? It's a bit late for that now, though I guess that would've been the gentlemanly thing to do.

But like I said, in that moment all I wanted to do was bail. Which I know is wrong, but retrospect is 20/20.

Mossberg Shotty:
Which I know is wrong...

At least you know it's wrong. Protip: tell her, how you feel. Women like that.

It's natural to have mixed emotions about first-time stuff and overthink things ("omg, she said I was cute! That means I have to propose, right?").

My advice would be to relax, be flattered that this girl liked you enough to make all the moves, and get in touch with her to apologise for over-reacting. Play your cards right and you could get to lose your virginity for real. Use a condom.

Why the guilt? There's nothing wrong here at all (jeez, you're old enough to drive, you're old enough to not feel bad about getting a blowjob from someone you're own age). It's not like it wasn't consensual.

Sex shouldn't be this weird scary thing, that doesn't strike me as particularly healthy. I understand why it might feel that way if you've never had it, but once you've had a few experiences it really stops being quite such a big deal. It's just a blowjob man, consider it a compliment, the rest of us aren't lucky enough to get surprise blowjobs like that.

Also, you climbed through the bedroom window of a girl who was grabbing at your crotch. Come on man, couldn't you see you this coming?

I wonder what the responses to this thread would be if it was a guy that had gone down randomly on some girl...

Reeve:
I wonder what the responses to this thread would be if it was a guy that had gone down randomly on some girl...

Did she get off after only a few minutes? I'd say give him a medal.

I think it's better to think about how when it happens to a guy it's okay but the phrasing of this we would assume the guy was being devious if it was the same happening to a woman.

It's like women aren't allowed to enjoy sex and men are perverted for attempting to initiate.

As for the OP? Er, dude, you got head. So your virginity is still intact. Does she want to see you again? Hell, climb back in that window and get your full membership rights/rites.

Sex is great, people should do it more often (with protection) and stop being so prudish about something that feels great.

Reeve:
I wonder what the responses to this thread would be if it was a guy that had gone down randomly on some girl...

Mine would be much the same. As I said, if you climb through the person's window after they've been grabbing at your crotch all night I'm not sure what you were expecting.

I appreciate all the feedback, it's definitely given me something to think about.

TheRightToArmBears:

Reeve:
I wonder what the responses to this thread would be if it was a guy that had gone down randomly on some girl...

Mine would be much the same. As I said, if you climb through the person's window after they've been grabbing at your crotch all night I'm not sure what you were expecting.

It's not so much about what I was expecting, and more about what I wasn't expecting. If that makes any sense. Probably not. Anyways, I don't see sex as some scary, unhealthy, forbidden thing, my thought process was more along the lines of: "So that's what the big deal is about?"

Honestly it seems like an awful lot of effort (not on my part, in this case) to feel so empty. But maybe that's just stems from not knowing the person for more than a day?

wulf3n:

Spot1990:

wulf3n:
Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.

Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.

Kinda picking at nits there :P

So "forced" wasn't the best word. How about coerced?

edit: Also given the "crotch grabbing" at the beginning of the story, I could argue that forced may have been the appropriate term from my perspective... but I wont :)

Still no.They were making out. She escalated things, he made no protest. If he had protested and she insisted and made hime change his mind against what he really wanted that was coercion. They made out, he was ok with it. She went to go down on him and he still made no move to show he was uncomfortable with it. She sucked him off to completion and at no point between kissing and shooting his load did he need to be coerced.

That's still not forcing him to do anything, grabbing his crotch a day earlier. And then he made out with her. She was expressing interest (aggressively admittedly) and he reciprocated by making out with her. Even the OP said it was all consensual.

Spot1990:
Still no.They were making out. She escalated things, he made no protest. If he had protested and she insisted and made hime change his mind against what he really wanted that was coercion. They made out, he was ok with it. She went to go down on him and he still made no move to show he was uncomfortable with it. She sucked him off to completion and at no point between kissing and shooting his load did he need to be coerced.

You're adding details that weren't given. You know he didn't protest as much as I know he did. I'm however using previous actions to establish the mood and fill in the gaps of later events.

Spot1990:

That's still not forcing him to do anything, grabbing his crotch a day earlier. And then he made out with her. She was expressing interest (aggressively admittedly) and he reciprocated by making out with her. Even the OP said it was all consensual.

That's called sexual assault where I'm from and is illegal.

wulf3n:

Spot1990:
Still no.They were making out. She escalated things, he made no protest. If he had protested and she insisted and made hime change his mind against what he really wanted that was coercion. They made out, he was ok with it. She went to go down on him and he still made no move to show he was uncomfortable with it. She sucked him off to completion and at no point between kissing and shooting his load did he need to be coerced.

You're adding details that weren't given. You know he didn't protest as much as I know he did. I'm however using previous actions to establish the mood and fill in the gaps of later events.

Spot1990:

That's still not forcing him to do anything, grabbing his crotch a day earlier. And then he made out with her. She was expressing interest (aggressively admittedly) and he reciprocated by making out with her. Even the OP said it was all consensual.

That's called sexual assault where I'm from and is illegal.

I'm actually basing it on the fact that the OP said it was consensual. Also he only said he blushed when she grabbed his junk, that doesn't actually tell us anything. I'm basing it on figuring he'd have mentioned the fact that it was not consensual and the fact that he has explicitly stated that it was consensual. For something to be forced, coercion or sexual assault it has to be against the will of the recipient.

Mossberg Shotty:

It's not so much about what I was expecting, and more about what I wasn't expecting. If that makes any sense. Probably not. Anyways, I don't see sex as some scary, unhealthy, forbidden thing, my thought process was more along the lines of: "So that's what the big deal is about?"

What expectations do you have for your first time? Do you expect it to be with someone that you've formed a relationship with, perhaps for some time, and that it would be a fulfilling experience that would ultimately consolidate your relationship and drive it to a whole different level?

Or to put it more crudely, did you expect your first time(though I could certainly debate if oral sex counts as a first time but that is a whole different discussion) to be more than getting oral sex from a girl you barely even knew?

Perhaps you felt robbed of your virginity because you expected that you'd lose it to someone you have an attachment to?

Spot1990:
Also he only said he blushed when she grabbed his junk, that doesn't actually tell us anything.

And that's really what's colouring my whole perception of the incident. The fact that there was no mention of whether or not the OP was ok with it brings into my mind at least, the question of consent for the entire incident. That and the fact the OP felt guilty for getting a blowjob makes me think there was more going on that what was told.

wulf3n:

Spot1990:
Also he only said he blushed when she grabbed his junk, that doesn't actually tell us anything.

And that's really what's colouring my whole perception of the incident. The fact that there was no mention of whether or not the OP was ok with it brings into my mind at least, the question of consent for the entire incident. That and the fact the OP felt guilty for getting a blowjob makes me think there was more going on that what was told.

Well if that'sa your reading of it that's totally fair, I can't say you were wrong. If you're right then yeah it's all those things you said it was and the OP certainly shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of it. And if he does genuinely feel upset he should talk to someone (y'know, besides a couple of jackasses who will just derail the discussion with their own argument :D).

I don't have any experience with this, but based on what your telling us it seems you were the one taken advantage of more than anything.

I mean, she could've just given you back your inhaler.
Heck, she could of just told her parents that you left your inhaler at her house and that you would be coming over to retrieve said item.

Now this all banks on the fact that her parents are aware that you guys were hanging out in her bedroom yesterday. If not, then I guess that was why she did things that way.

Either way, it's clear that she used your inhaler as a way to get you close to her.

Perhaps you should of stopped. But how am I to know?
Perhaps sexual drives can be stronger than one expected.

Perhaps you should talk this over to her in person in private.

Dude. Don't feel bad about this. In now way shape or form did you "take advantage" of her. I don't know if your religious, because that could be where some of the guilt is coming from? I don't know what you think on premarital sex. But honestly. She wanted this just as bad, if not a lot more then you did. Don't feel bad. And if you decide you want more, see if you can be F-buddies. Not the worse thing in the world to have someone who you can have stress relief sex with.

Of what I can see, this girl seems like a bit of a slut; so in terms of harm done to her, I don't think you've done any. I'd get yourself tested for any diseases she may have passed onto you -- if she's had multiple partners, it's possible she could have passed on something.

In terms of your guilt and shame, I think it's right. Some people have no reservations regarding casual sex, they seeing it as harmless fun. But a conservative man like yourself will feel the need to indulge in sex in the context of a relationship only. It's a shame you lost your quasi-virginity to a harpy like that, but you can learn from this.

Try to only sleep with romantic partners from hereonin. Remember the guilt and shame if and when you're in a scenario similar to this. Try to prevent lust from clouding your rational judgement.

That's all I can say, really.

So you had sex with somewhat of a stranger and you didn't like it?

Lesson learned, I suppose?

And virginity isn't worth a thing. Just be glad you don't have to worry about losing it from now on.

And about "returning the favour"...

Never give a man a blowjob and expect him to do anything AFTER that.

That's hilarious.

You had better be my wife if you ask me to do anything to you after I'm finished.
My desire for anything but a nap becomes 0.

Haha.

BAH! Don't listen to those telling you sex isn't what it is hyped up to be. Mechanical lacking passion sex is better not happening at all, because it isn't even in the same ballpark with actual passionate sex. However, you didn't have actual passionate sex, you didn't stop her, but you were not actively participating by any means. No, there really isn't anything to feel guilty about, instead you learned something important, you don't want to have sex with people you are not really interested in, which is a GREAT thing. People who settle for " anyone willing" have no idea what they are missing out on. You just have to gain the backbone to separate yourself before the act next time, which considering this was your first time in a sexual experience, it is common to not know how to react.

Actual passionate sex is when there is no question about your participation because you are so involved in the act you can break things around you and not even realize it until afterwards. LOL When you have these passion feelings for someone you are so excited about someone that you can climax just thinking about them, uncontrollably at times. No, not everyone ever finds someone that " does it for them" but many of us do. Not all sex is lacking passion, and if you don't want mechanical bland sex, you are better waiting until someone makes you feel that level of passion than just having sex with someone because they are willing. Waiting until your sure, and they share the same feelings for you as you have for them is so much better than jumping the gun and attempting to "find out" during.

Now, I am female, however, this isn't just limited to male or female. Mechanical, lacking passion sex is lame no matter who you are. "Going through the motions" isn't worth the regret.

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