>Rich: Brag. brag a lot.
Confident in your SBURB IDENTIFYING SKILLS, you proceed to have the following conversations.
Okay. this is NOT good. False memories are a bitch. You're going to have to sit and wait, and hope your memories will be sorted out.
> Dirk: Get to installing!
Hoo... hooray! You WON! T... take that, SIS!
You hobble out of the BASEMENT-DUNGEON, and get back to your ROOM. You sit down at your COMPUTER and get to work finding a chum to pester.
Oh shit, it's a TROLL now. You guess you'll see what he wants.
God you hate that TROLL. At least you can block him for a day every once in a while. It never seems to stick though. Oh well, you decide to check in with another chum of yours.
>Greg:Continue to Pester
Well,you have gotten in contact with TWO of your CHUMS so far.Of course there is still more to PESTER.Of course as you turn your CHAIR around,you see that that bloody CAT is standing at your DOOR and staring at you.With the DOOR being closed.You ignore the CAT and start surfing the the WEB for more BOOKS to buy.
Another CHUM down.You decide to trade your WHITE tee for that AWESOME PHOENIX SHIRT that you wear SPECIAL OCCASIONS.You feel TODAY will be one more then ever.You also pat the LITTLE ANGEL DOLL sitting atop your monitor.SHE will be there as well,the MAIDEN to your KNIGHT.
>Chas: Walk into bathroom.
Wow he is such a piece of shit at this.
>Chas: Walk back to computer.
As it stands, Dirk is the Sims player, and you are the Sim. Despite your anger at that analogy, it is actually quite proper for the situation. Your BATHTUB is also in the hallway. That might be an issue. While you wait for him to explore the interface some more, one of your CHUMS pesters you.
You feel like that conversation could explain a lot to any third party who ever reads it. No third party will ever read it, though. That's a pretty crazy idea.
>Dirk: After successfully connecting to Chas' client program, you immedietly get up to some bathtub related shenanigans. Oops.
You then proceed to examine the controls.
As you've already discovered, the SELECT control allows you to pick up and manipulate items in your client player's environment. It appears to have a fixed range though, which centers around Chas.
The REVISE control looks like it'll let you edit Chas' stuff. A bit of testing reveals that you can do stuff like extend his room. Man, this game is awesome!
Your impromptu construction triggers a notification: -4 Build Grist.
Scrolling over to the Grist Cache tab, you see that you now have 16 out of 20 Build Grist. There are also a bunch of other open slots, presumably of other types of grist you haven't discovered yet. No doubt you'll find them as you continue to play.
You then check out the DEPLOY control. It looks like using this control allows you to set up equipment found in another tab, the PHERNALIA REGISTRY. Examining this tab reveals four items that can be deployed for free, the TOTEM LATHE, the CRUXTRUDER, the ALCHEMITER, and a PRE-PUNCHED CARD. There are again a bunch of other slots, but it doesn't look like you can access them yet.
There's only one more tab, labeled ALCHEMY EXCURSUS. It's completely blank.
There are also a few camera controls, that allow you to zoom in and out on Chas. You can also rotate your view to see everything in his house.
You have no idea what's going on, but you kind of like it!
> Dirk: Make stuff happen
This is a pretty confusing interface. Look at all this shit to do! You decide you might as well take a look at those weird BUILDINGS. You select one that looks interesting, the CRUXTRUDER. You take a look and see it's pretty fucking huge, and yet, it costs no resources. At least, none of that BUILD GRIST crap you wasted expanding rooms where Chas wouldn't notice.
You find a nice place to plot down the building, specifically the doorway to his KITCHEN, so as not to crush any of the VARIOUS ITEMS in his home.
You admire your craftsmanship and type a quick message to Chas to go check it out.
>Chas: Go check it out.
After receiving a quick message about some weird thing called a CRUXTRUDER that Dirk decided to put down in the most inopportune place possible, you quickly head downstairs to the KITCHEN, and hope your dad doesn't notice. You note that the doorway to the KITCHEN is now completely and totally blocked. What a horrible idea.
You approach the CRUXTRUDER, which strikes you as surprisingly big. You decide to turn the handle and see what happens, but it looks like whatever's supposed to come out is blocked by the cover. You hope Dirk notices your trouble and opens the top for you, waving at the ceiling for him. It would save you the trouble of going back upstairs.
>Dirk: Remove obstruction
You see that the CRUXTRUDER is apparently blocked by the COVER on the top of the device. You know just how to deal with that.
You toss the BATHTUB down through the ceiling, sending it crashing into the CRUXTRUDER and knocking the cover off. It slowly dawns on you that that was a TERRIBLE IDEA. But at least it worked.
>Chas: Thank Dirk.
You neglect THANKING him, despite your middle finger's best interests. He is your FRIEND and your SERVER PLAYER, despite being PRETTY BAD AT FORETHOUGHT.
These BATHTUB SHENANIGANS are extremely silly.
>Chas: Observe CRUXTRUDER.
There was a bit of a flash, then some weird floating ball popped out.
You really don't know what to say about that.
In addition, it ejected a...cylinder-thing. You decide to captchalogue it for good measure, storing it safely in your boring, business-like ARRAY MODUS.
You don't even know what to do about this ball. It seems like it's trying to communicate.
You decide to wait for Dirk to place anything else before going back up.
>Dirk: Figure out what to do next.
You have absolutely no idea what is going on. For good measure, you officially decide to CHEAT. You head over to your favorite GAMING SITE, and check out a few guides to the game before settling on one that actually has proper grammar. This girl seems to know way more about the game than most people logically should. From what she's saying you figure out some of the basics of the game, that the big ball is called a KERNELSPRITE, and that you need to GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR. You forget to check why, but you've never found reason to doubt a guide before. You think about sending a message to Chas on what to do next, but then realize it will take forever to get him to his COMPUTER and back.
Instead, you spot his PHONE in the KITCHEN, and grab that and toss it to him instead. With his new PHONE in hand you can now pester him while he's on the move.
You see something called a TOTEM LATHE in the PHERNALIA REGISTRY. You set it down on the other end of the room the CRUXTRUDER is located within. You also notice an odd PRE-PUNCHED CARD that seems to be there for no reason. Deciding that it must be important, you toss that to Chas as well.
>Chas: React to Totem Lathe.
Wow, Dirk placed something else. Hey, it's in an opportune place this time!
>Chas: Receive phone.
Your PHONE is tossed at you. You probably left it in some ridiculous place, because you are MILDLY FORGETFUL. Dirk probably went looking for it because of this other thing in the room.
>Chas: Do that.
You put the PREPUNCHED CARD in the TOTEM LATHE. You now only have SEVEN CARDS in your ARRAY MODUS. Wow, that was kind of dumb of you!
The LATHE appears to have deployed some CHISELS. You open your PHONE again.
Man, it's a good thing you have this ARRAY MODUS so you don't have to go through any SHENANIGANS. Those would be unwanted. Not welcome at all, no. Not even a bit entertaining.
>Chas: Be given a second to do that thing.
You put the THING/CRUXITE DOWEL in THERE.
It fits snugly. Nothing else happens.
>Chas: Turn it.
You TURN THE VALVE. The TOTEM LATHE activates and CHISELS the CRUXITE DOWEL into a TOTEM.
You capchalogue it. It will probably serve a purpose, but one that you cannot comprehend. In fact, you're kind of completely fucking lost at this point, despite your mild burst of reasonable thought with the LATHE.
Dirk grabs the BUST and throws it onto the KERNELSPRITE, which you recently noted has followed you into the room.
A bright light fills the room.
>Connor: What the fuck have you been doing, go instal Sburb!
WELL YOU WERE ON GAMEFAQS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS DAMN THING WORKS, but now you put it like that! You instal the server disk, seeing how if you were a player the other guy would have control of your home, you don't want that, it would piss of the other neighbors and dad, well maybe not dad, he is pretty chilled, but still. So you pester you friends to see who hasn't started playing yet.
Darn, Chas ain't on. Or he is playing already. Hell, the shit maybe getting down where he is. Maybe reading that FAQ was a bad idea... Anyways, you go on 4chan and wait for someone to pester you to play, as long as your the one on the server that is, YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN DESTINY! Anyways, time for more /v/.
>BTH: Explain yourself
You have to laugh a little at how obviously Winston needs to know the information. You explain to it you don't really know how he's supposed to earn it but you say he will in time as long as his behaviour keeps up.
The testing and maintenance is all complete now so time to enter the results. Back to one of the pcs.
>BTH: Check download and install
>BTH: Check pesterchum
>Connor: Try to contact someone
You quickly check pesterchum to see who is online, you see Beth is and pester her.
Man, you hate how she is always doing something crazy. Still, you have other friends, right?
Aw crap, not Xavier, anyone but him. You wait and see if anyone else joins, if not then you will pester Xavier to play with you. Ugh, you hate that guy.
>Chas: When the eyes finally re-adjust, you see... something. Something beautiful. Something horrible. Something more terrifying than the dawn, and stronger than the foundations of the earth.
YOU MADE A GEORGE MICHAEL KERNALSPRITE!
Although it appears to be trying to communicate, you can't really understand it. The only sound is seems capable of making is SMOOTH SAX RIFFS. When the KERNALSPRITE realizes that it's not being understood, it floats over to the timer on the CRUXTRUDER. When Dirk helped get the KERNALSPRITE free, it had begun at 7:16, but has now counted down to 4:07. You decide you don't want to find out what happens when it reaches 0:00.
You take a quick look at the prepunched card you used with the TOTEM LATHE. It's kind of hard to make out, but it looks sort of like... a PUMPKIN?
In the meantime, you hear your FATHER making a ruckus in the KITCHEN. It sounds like he's trapped back there thanks to Dirk's placement of the CRUXTRUDER. Well, at least you won't have to deal with any guardian based shenanigans while you figure this stuff out.
>Bethany: Winston shrugs and wonders off. You have no idea what he's planning to do, but for now you don't really care. You've managed to successfully download and install SBURB! Time to finally start playing! Now, if only you could find someone to connect with.
>Chas: Fondly regard George Michael Kernelsprite.
Your entire life has been waiting for this moment. You have just created the epitome of all your training. This is what your existence amounts to.
It doesn't speak in sax riffs. Damnit. Disappointment. Always disappointment.
"An idealist sees the world as it should be. A realist sees the world as it is. A pessimist sees both." - William Howard Taft, 27th President of the United States
You are almost certain William Howard Taft said that. What a fountain of knowledge he was.
You're not really sure how that quote applies, though. You probably might have thought of it in a DOOMED TIMELINE when GEORGE MICHAELSPRITE didn't communicate via the smooth sounds of a saxophone in the night. If anything, you are an ideal realist right now, because the world is absolutely perfect.
> Xavier: Lv. 18 SUPER SPEED STABS!
I stab near my Father at super speed.
The speed of your STABS has increased TENFOLD, your Father cannot keep up!
...However, you purposely miss all vital organs, you don't want to hurt him to much.
>Xavier: Your FATHER takes some light damage to his HEALTH VIAL, reducing it to 95%.
He seems to be getting tired from the exercise; he is getting old. Giving you a playful pat on the head with his BOXING GLOVE, he informs you that a MYSTERIOUS PACKAGE has arrived for you. It's currently downstairs in the DINING ROOM.
While on 4chan, browsing /co/ for a Regular Show thread, you get pestered by a guy you have never seen before.
>Connor: Go be nice to the guy and ask him to play Sburb.
Well, he had to of been referred to by someone cool, so you put on your nice guy attitude and pester him back.
You continue to browse 4chan.
>Rich: You decide that you should probably go search for the real SBURB DISCS. Your UNCLE may be gone now, but there's no telling when he'll get back.
As you head downstairs, you can't help but notice the PAIR OF SPANDEX SHORTS your UNCLE left outside your door. He actually expects you to wear this? Man...
Which room do you check first?
>Connor: As you browse 4chan, you keep seeing some really weird stuff. You mean, more weird than usual.
Threads that have nothing to do with video games are full of posts about SBURB. Most of the posts are written extremely poorly; all you can really make out is some stuff about meteors and danger. You can't tell if they're being serious or if this is just some well-organized trolling. In any case, you begin to feel a bit uneasy about playing.
> Xavier: Head down stairs immediately
I un-equip my knife and head downstairs.
FINALLY! You have waited long enough for this freakin' thing!
> Xavier: Ignore the Oprah bust
You cannot ignore her, she's OPRAH! She creeps you the fuck out!
> Xavier: At least ignore Buzz and Miss Cleo
You cannot ignore them either! You hate them to much.
> Xavier: Just get your shit and get out!
You scurry into the DINNING ROOM, get your PACKAGE, and scurry back into your room!
> Xavier: Turn on your computer and pop in that sucker!
I turn on my computer. It moves slowly.
Hell y-AW FUCK!
> Xavier: Look out to sky while you wait about asteroids while you wait
Ok, you the MOON that you swore upon, some stars, and-What the hell.
You see what seems like a GROUP OF ASTEROIDS just waiting. You don't like the look of it. You hope nothing bad happens.
> Wait...What the hell?!
It seems like an ASTEROID started to fall to Earth then just DISAPPEARED. Things are getting weird, but you don't care because you care because you have a COPY OF SBURB and SHITTY COMPUTER that's ready to go!
Pop in the sucker!
You already pop in the Player disk! You're waiting now! You watch the loading screen.
That what the loading music would sound like if this thread had sound!
>Connor:Play Sburb, I don't care with who, just do it!
You can't believe it has come to this, but now you got to play with that one asshole, ugh, Xavior. You pester him.
You set up a server named "AnonSix" with a password you know he will get, "fag"
You wait for him to join.
>Greg:Read Guide on Internet
After a few minutes of searching the INTERNET for good BOOKS,you decide to take a break from that and read a guide to get the feel for this SBURB game.The one you find on GAMEFAQ,by one TT,is quite informative though at times a little bleak.You see one of your CHUMS is on so you decide to see what he is doing.
You think that went well,though you still hope those two won't KILL each other.
Xavier: Be pestered by the 'cool guy'
You have no choice but ok.
> Xavier: Join Connor's server
My finger hovers the Enter button.
DO IT ALREADY!
Fine. You enter the server.
>Connor: Do stuff, and stuff.
A interface comes up on your PC, in a widow. It has several buttons on it that you SOMEWHAT remember what mean, it's been a bit since you read the guide, so your are a little confused. You use the numpad arrows to move the camera and you can view all of Xavior's TWISTED room and dolls, and the mouse to highlight stuff. You look and see you have some gist, build type. You check your inventory thingie and see you have a few objects you can place, a Cruxtruder, which makes block for crafting as you remember, a Punch Designix, which takes card from the player's inventory and makes them, broken? Weird. Oh, and a Totem Lathe which, does something with the crafty block thingies. Oh yeah, and then you can spawn a Alchemiter that, does something. This is starting to get to your head. You pester Xavior.
You build the Cruxtruder in the dinning room and pester Xavior again on his phone.
You wait and see what happens.
>Xavier: As you connect to Connor's server, the following music plays.
The loading screen lists a few of its actions while you wait:
Installing mirror texture
Installing collision detection
Setting up LOCAF
Setting up ....
And other boring stuff. No plot-teasers in that information, absolutely no spoilers at all.
Hey, you finally connected! Alright, let's do this!
> Xavier: Turn that knob
I turn the knob.
You have a bad feeling about this.
I climb on top the CRUXTUDER and start jumping it.
Lousy goddamn weird machine!
I get sprung off the CRUXTUDER.
A grey orb flies out the CRUXTUDER.
> Pester Connor
> Do something
You show the orb your STABS, intentionally missing.
...It's not that effective.
> Throw something at it
You throw the OPRAH BUST at the ORB. A light blinds you.
> Behold your new sprite
OPRAHSPRITE is created.
> Proceed to flip the fuck out
You do just that.
>Chas: Inform friend of magnificent development.
You run up to your ROOM, and prepare to place the TOTEM on the ALCHEMITER to create whatever it is you are about to create. As you enter your room, something outside the window catches your eye.
You step over to your room's window for a moment. The city's skyline, familiar to you as a bright, hot red, has recently been drenched in seemingly neverending rain. Her streets are empty. But all is not quiet. There is fire falling from the sky, betwixt the shimmering blue rain, sometimes reflecting the burning glare to only magnify the dread visage of a meteor impact. This has created a magnificent shade of color over the city, with steam and rain and molten rock melding together.
Greg told you today was going to be a long day. You're starting to believe him. Today had no special significance, but you are beginning to feel a nagging sensation of purpose. A subconscious sixth sense of sorts, increasing as you grow closer and closer to finishing the set of puzzles. Increasing as the timer ticks down. In no way do you truly understand what the purpose of any of these items are - the totem, the cards, the lathes, the cruxite - but you feel some sort of...recognition, as if your very vision was augmented by some higher power.
And yet, you've always doubted there being any sort of traditional higher power. The kind of power humanity deems dietific. You've never been one for religion, but you feel a strange connection with something beyond. Something strange and horrifying yet marvelous in its own way.
"One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason." - Jason Alexander, American actor and funnyman extraordinare
>Chas: Get back to work.
You're pretty sure that reflection cost precious seconds. You place the TOTEM on the ALCHEMITER.
Is that a fucking pumpkin.
>Chas: Execute much better idea.
You dig out your TRUSTY FORK and EVISCERATE the PUMPKIN. You prepare to eat the delicious spoi-
ANOTHER CLIMACTIC LIGHT FLASH
After the CLIMATIC LIGHT FLASH... nothing really happens. You feel a bit sick actually. You should probably not eat CRUXTITE PUMPKINS in the future.
Not that you should be worrying about any of that now, you are in ever increasing danger! A quick glance out your BEDROOM WINDOW reveals a speck in the sky, a red-hot, flaming, ever-growing speck. That's getting closer and closer. To your house. Not a good thing.
CRUXTRUDER TIMER: 2:03.
You swallow down hard the piece of crystalline pumpkin you just ate. Wow, that was not at all like the Jell-O treats you enjoyed in your youth! Your mind calls you back to those days, when Bill Cosby and pudding were your only cares in the world.
Come to think of it, he was a damned good salesman. Your obsession with sales never stopped being a thing that was true or anything.
You try to figure out what to do next with this stupid PUMPKIN which certainly exists and always will, and will never disappear at random to never be referenced again.
>Chas: Use pumpkin as hat.
What pumpkin? All you can see is the CRUXITE JACK-O-LANTERN you just carved. His name is Oliver, and he is in a perpetual state of LAMENTATION with the crude frown FORKED upon him.
That was a really, really dumb idea.
Time is counting down. You wonder what the hell you're supposed to do with this stupid goddamn PUMPKIN and its stupid goddamn HORSESHIT INEDIBILITY.
> Dirk: Watch PCHOOOOOO
You absolutely FAIL to WATCH THE PCHOOOOOO. It is simply too bright. You switch away and try to figure out what to do until you hear from your friend again. You decide to see if anyone else is in the game yet, to WARN THEM OF IMPENDING DOOM.
Hmm. Your CHUMROLL is oddly empty. Where is everyone? You send out a GENERAL MESSAGE asking if anyone else is in the game yet, and a suggestion that you try to LINK SERVERS, as CRAZY SHIT is about to go down.
>Chas: Once you finish carving Oliver, he begins to GLOW...
Wait, was that what you were supposed toX2 CLIMATIC FLASH OF LIGHT COMBO!
Blinded by Oliver's sudden flash, fall to the ground, momentarily stunned. The ground around you begins to shake; you can hear crashing sounds coming from the KITCHEN, accompanied by cries of dismay from your FATHER.
The rumbling intensifies more and more, until it feels like you're entire house is going to be destroyed! And then, as the shaking reaches its climax...
When you regain your sight, the first thing you notice is the change in outside lighting. Instead of the fiery red that had been threatening to destroy you a few seconds ago, you see a calm, almost soothing glow. In addition, you can no longer hear the sounds of the bustling city; they've been replaced by the gentle tinging of what sounds like wind-chimes.
GEORGE-MICHEALSPRITE is floating beside you. Although he's still only emitting SMOOTH SAX RIFFS, you can't help but feel like he's saying something, something that you can almost hear...
You've entered the Medium.
Welcome to SBURB.
>Chas: Fondly regard surroundings.
You are suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of surreal calmness. It is almost ethereal, and a bunch of other words that sounds otherworldly. You do not know it completely yet, but you have in fact left the world you know. The faint sounds of the careless whisper of a lost friend caress your ears. This time with more meaning than ever. The sounds have their way with your ears, attempting to convey something incredibly helpful that would shed some light on your situation.
You should probably find something to prototype this with.
You rise from the ground, observing the surroundings beyond you. They are surprisingly barren. In fact, they are downright nonexistent. The void that surrounds you is so infinite in its mysterious beauty that it cannot be described by words.
Yeah, let's keep this a words-only discussion. You grab hold of your PHONE - oh my GOG what happened to FATHER. You have to see if he's okay.
>Chas: Run downstairs.
You stow the PHONE away for now. Dirk can wait - you've got a FATHER to save!
He's a hard-boiled fellow. He couldn't just DIE like that. It's ridiculous-
Hey, it's this asshole. Okay, I guess FATHER can wait momentarily.
You have no idea what that conversation actually amounted to. Internal nagging compels you to store the code regardless.
You decide to check in with Dirk momentarily, opening the long conversation window you have had open.
You put your PHONE away for now. Dirk knows you're alright, and it's time you got to rescuing less FLIGHTY TROLL BROADS and more FATHERS. You make a rush downstairs.