MetroidNutQuest 2012

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 NEXT
 

>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

Pappytech:
>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

That poor templar.

>MN: Suddenly you realize that you have your Life Alert pendent around your neck. Using your superior hacking skills you manage to change the automated message from "Help I've fallen and I can't get up!" to "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, I've been shot!" Press the button and hope Old Ben gets your message in time...

image

That is ridiculous! Obi-Wan Kenobi is a fictional Asari from the planet Vulcan, and his ship - the Serenity - is too slow to reach you in time!

You feel a great disturbance in your mind, as if all the nerdiness within you suddenly cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced.

You suspect blood loss may be affecting your ability to think.

>MN: Escape your pain in the land of fluffdreams.

image

Though you're still under the effects of a CHERRY COKE, you're going to need a some more DRUGS if you want to go to the LAND OF FLUFFDREAMS!

>KT: Remove your helmet. Show us your true identity.

image

You never take off your HELMET, because you can't let any lurking MUSLIMS learn your identity.

You've heard stories. You know, of what they'd do to KNIGHTS they could identify. They've got INFILTRATORS all across EUROPE; if they found who you were, and you didn't have a FAMILY, they'd send one to burn your HOUSE, raze your FIELDS, and massacre any PEASANTS under your protection. If you did have a FAMILY? They'd mount their heads on pikes, then stick them in the smoldering ruins of all your worldly possessions.

"War. War never changes." - The legendary diplomat, Pope Urban II

>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

image

Well...don't get the wrong idea! You're a huge fan of HOLY WARS! It's just, you know, you're a little concerned that starting between one and three new ones might distract from the current, more pressing HOLY WAR against all things NON-CHRISTIAN. But you would've already known that...is this mysterious suggestion implying, then, that the ILLUMINATI/ASSASSINS/DIRK PACE'S FAMILY are MUSLIMS? Because if so you are totally down with getting your murder on.

>MN: Don't be dead.

>MN: Crawl to nearest payphone, call the only friend you've ever known.

>Dirk's Sister: Beat the KT six ways to Sunday with your copy of the Qur'an.

>Magical Drug Dealer Chet Penceworth: Offer your substantial stash to MN.

>MN: Crawl to nearest payphone, call the only friend you've ever known.

image

You sincerely doubt there's a PAYPHONE within a 1-mile radius of DIRK'S HOUSE! This is the TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, everyone uses CELL PHONES! Except you, because your CELL PHONE BATTERY is dead, as usual. You could always try to communicate over your COMPUTER, as is the norm, but your COMPUTER is pretty far away to crawl to.

And even then, you'll have to find some way to avoid the POLICE! Not to mention that, more importantly, you need to do something about the gaping hole in your TORSO before you BLEED OUT!

But...you're just so very TIRED. The PAIN of the GUNSHOT, the HOPELESSNESS of ESCAPE...you want nothing more than to take a nice, long NAP, and think of a solution afterwards.

>MN: Use your dream telepathy to contact the only true friend you've ever had.

>Dirk's Sister: Beat the KT six ways to Sunday with your copy of the Qur'an.

DIRK'S SISTER would like to point out that she doesn't take orders from you! But even if she did, she sure as hell doesn't see any KNIGHT TEMPLARS running around!

image

You resume being the KNIGHT TEMPLAR. Honestly, you're starting to grow a bit RESTLESS here; it's been too long since your last PILLAGING! Your URGE TO CLAIM LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY is rising rapidly!

>KT: Use your TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTOR to overhear a NOT-MUSLIM boy call the POLICE for help. Decide to go PILLAGE the boy's house, and CLAIM HIS LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY.

>MN:Dig a hole and hide yourself in it.

MN: Call out to your childhood idol Billy Joel.

>MN: Use your dream telepathy to contact the only true friend you've ever had.

image

You embrace oblivion, grasping hazily for the arcane power of telepathy. You slowly release the locks on the darkest, innermost portions of your mind. You allow the universe to flow into them, to fill your psyche with indecipherable knowledge, incomprehensible truths, one-word answers for questions far beyond human comprehension.

...

This is stupid. You aren't going to be able to contact FREDDIE MERCURY in this manner!

>KT: Use your TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTOR to overhear a NOT-MUSLIM boy call the POLICE for help. Decide to go PILLAGE the boy's house, and CLAIM HIS LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY.

image

You're fairly certain TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTORS won't be invented for many centuries! Certainly not until TELEGRAPHS are invented. Perhaps you meant to use your RUNNER INTERCEPTOR?

Either way, you don't see any NOT-MUSLIM boy, aren't sure what country these "POLICE" are from, and can't find any HOUSES worth PILLAGING! Besides, you've got some perfectly good LAND right here to CLAIM FOR KING AND COUNTRY!

>MN:Dig a hole and hide yourself in it.

image

You begin shifting your WEIGHT back and forth in an attempt to gradually dislodge the DIRT beneath you. This sure would be easier if you had ARMS!

>MN: Call out to your childhood idol Billy Joel.

image

You cannot SUMMON BILLY JOEL without a PIANO!

>KT: Realize you're FRENCH, not ENGLISH!

>MN: Use your AVIATORS (which are actually computers) to contact the greatest friend you've ever had.

>Freddie Mercury: Be attending a high school full of bad-ass delinquents, a robot/motorcycle, and a gorilla. Have awesome theme music.

For the record, this is a real anime. It is one of the trippiest things I have ever had the bizarre pleasure of watching.

>MN:Just lie there then, as apparently the police can't reach you.If they could they would have by now.

>KT: Establish Fort Boxia in the name of King Elvis.

>MN: Remember Dirk plays piano, sneak back into house to summon Billy Joel

>MN: Just lie there then, as apparently the police can't reach you. If they could they would have by now.

image

It may feel like it's been DAYS, but that's just the BLOOD LOSS talking! You've only been lying on the ground for about 15 seconds. Why do you think that POOL OF BLOOD hasn't gotten any bigger?

>KT: Establish Fort Boxia in the name of King Elvis.

image

You establish FORT BOXIA in the name of KING ELVIS III, LORD OF ENGLAND. You are 100% certain that was the KING's name.

In honor of FORT BOXIA's official establishment, you make a cute little BRITISH FLAG! Well, okay, it's not actually the BRITISH FLAG. But you think it would make for a TOTALLY BADICAL NEW BRITISH FLAG! Someday, you assure yourself, the world will recognize your genius.

Regrettably, you do not have any BOXES with which to FORTIFY the locale!

>Freddie Mercury: Be attending a high school full of bad-ass delinquents, a robot/motorcycle, and a gorilla. Have awesome theme music.

Freddie Mercury is too busy PROTECTING THE UNIVERSE with the power of ROCK 'N' ROLL, LOVE and MANGRIT!

>MN: Rub some dirt in that wound and get back up. You feel fine now.
KT: Check to see if FRANCE has any BOXES lying around.

>Pappytech: Provide video evidence of Freddie Mercury's foray into anime.

>KT: Display arms/inventory.

>MN: Rub some dirt in that wound and get back up. You feel fine now.

image

No can do! You're still bleeding to death. Unfortunately, other than squirm a little and dislodge some dirt, you don't think you're going to be able to do very much for a little while!

Hint, hint.

>KT: Check to see if FRANCE has any BOXES lying around.

image

FRANCE is very far away! You GUESS you could swim there, but you don't think it would be a very good idea. You'd probably be eaten by KRAKENS. They're known to patrol the NORTH ATLANTIC around this time of year.

>KT: Display arms/inventory.

image

You proudly display your ARMS, and in the process your INVENTORY! You are wielding a MASTERWORK SWORD. It is stained with the BLOOD of many CHILDREN. Or so you would like to believe.

You also possess one ROCK (your TROPHY from a GLORIOUS VICTORY over the NATIVES) and what appears to be a WATER-KIDNEY. You're not really sure how literal its name is.

>KT: Kidney Punch

>MN: Feel disgraced by how poorly you've done, and try to die with some dignity.
>KT: Look around for nearest LANDMARK.

MN>Take off and store HAT and GLASSES in PANTS POCKET so you look like a shot CIVILIAN instead of the shot METROIDNUT you are.

>MN: Fall asleep. Wake up somewhere else.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 NEXT

Reply to Thread

This thread is locked