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I take one of the tiki-torches and use my flames to light it and proceed to burn down the food court. I pull the javelin from my arm, and barely manage to polevault onto the second floor. From there, I try to weave my way to the bathroom to lick my wounds.

Meanwhile, I've been in the hardware store ignoring all the carnage and making a fun house of mirrors as well as a few doors painted on walls with fake doorknobs coated in superglue so they'll be stuck there forever should someone attempt to open it. "trapdoors" if you will. I lie in wait behind the only door out of the 30 odd fake ones that I've painted and have a little snooze.

Come find me... if you dare! MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!

Meanerwhile, the fire in the food court spreads immensely and the surrounding shops soon start to catch fire, including but not limited to, the liquor store, adult film shop, and the game shop. I finally exit the bathroom, wounds healing, to see the carnage I have wrought. I rush to the old-school photo shop and grab as many filament plates as possible.

AGH! a fire! I quickly run out of the shop being sure to grab a paint can as a hat.

It's just like my father used to say

"Son, if ever you get into a fight... If ever someone is pushing you around... if ever you reach your limit and you just want to lash out against the commies running this government, stick a paint can on your head and hop around barking. No one will perceive you as a threat and then you can strike when they least expect it! Besides, paint is delicious."

Wise words, the last words I ever heard him say before he challenged that bus to a game of chicken. The bus won.

Anyway enough contrived flashbacks, I thought as I plopped the can over my head.


In my mad dash to find filament plates, I spy a man wearing a paint can as a hat woofing and jumping about. I leave him be as I set about destroying the stores on the second floor by striking the filament plates to create sparks (I saw this in a batman comic, trust me.) and make them explode. I yell to the man supposedly running this 'game', "I'll find a way out of this if I have to blow up the whole mall! You hear me? I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME, G-MAN."

"You're not leaving here, Salt. Not unless you want to take a long walk down a short airlock."

Not noticing the man next to me, I grab him by the collar and slam him against the and start beating him with the nail board. "I'M! NOT! LISTENING!" I shout as each blow comes on. After the man known as G is made into an unrecognizable bloody pulp, I tilt my head back and laugh loudly.

The G-Man thought he could beat me.

He never met Salty Effin Jones.

The man on the PA laughs as Salt beats up a store mannequin. He plays a song over the intercom.

"WHO'S NEXT?" I shouted, ripping the head off the mannequin as a trophy. Spying a security camera looking down at me, I whip the head at it, smashing it. I then hear the song blasted over the intercom. I blocked my ears, it had to be some sort of hypnosis song conjured by the G-Man. He was somehow still alive.

Turning my attention to the man in the paint can get-up, I dropped down to the first floor and hucked a javelin at his paint can, a modern day William Tell. I motioned a 'come at me bro' as I ran into the burning game shop.

I hear Hotel California playing over the intercom as I pop up in the same washing machine I was in before, this time with the door open, luckily. I strip down and begin acting out the opening scenes of the Terminator movies. I see Salt busy running towards a flaming shop.

I jump on his back and begin smashing his head into the floor. When I'm done with that and sufficiently happy with the pulp his skull has become, I take his clothes, put them on, and begin laughing and pointing at nothing anybody else can see.

I rush to the bathroom to give my time to rest, and let my scars heal. After a while, I'm satisfied and I head back out. "Let's see, I need a can of WD-40, a lighter, a nail gun, and some duct tape. I look triumphantly at my flaming nail gun, "Boy am I glad I watched 'Bite Me.'" I then rip open a portal to the gameshop and shower the store with a hail of flaming nails, catching Ryhno in the chest three times. "Gotcha." I then run away so he can't catch me.

"Hey Grim. How you liking the new toy?"

"I love it. . . wait a minute, you aren't going to make it explode or anything like that are you?"

Respawning in front of a vending machine on the second floor, I spy my killer looking about at nothing. I move silently as I start breaking store windows to set off the burglary alarms. In all the din of the alarms, I leap down with the largest glass shard I could find and slash Rhyno's wrists and throat, leaving him to choke on his blood. I retrieve my clothes and decide to prop his body up to look as if he is flipping off a standee of Gandhi.

I rush back to the mall square, leap aboard my lawnmower, and challenge the G-Man to a lancing duel, using a lit tiki-torch as an improvised lance.

"Not necessarily."

Grim hears a lock shut inside the saw.

"The portal system runs on a charge. It should really only be used when you need to get somewhere in a hurry, but I figured I would let you have fun with it for the day. At least you still have a very nice saw."

"It would have been nice to know that BEFORE I started using it." I walked off with a bad look on my face and soon saw Salt on his makeshift chariot. I aimed my nail gun at him and fired a 3-round burst into his head with each nail hitting its mark.

"If you use it now, it will take you to your own storage room. Anything you find in the Mall you can put in there. Just don't expect it to help you escape a fight."

"Can I use it infinitely or is there a finite amount of times that I can use that ability?"

"As long as you're in the Mall, you can use it anytime you want."

I spawn beside an ice cream van, getting inside and driving it to the garage for "preparations".

"Lets see, Power washers, Petrol, gas canisters...."

The van is placed onto a platform as work is begun....

OOOH SHIT! The javelin was impaled through the paint can in such a way that it miraculously managed to miss my head and went straight through to the other side.

That was lucky thought I, but as I tried to get up I then realised the peril of my situation. I couldn't get up. The javelin had gone straight through the paint can missed my head somehow and it now had its pointy end firmly lodged in the wall. I could flail my arms and legs around all I like but my head was set firmly in place.

So I did flail them around pointlessly, hoping to get a kill by kicking someone in the head before someone put me out of my misery.

I sit in the food court looking over all the parts I'd need for my next weapon.

-PVC piping
-Combustion Source
-Hockey Bag Strap

I head off to go find the materials I'd need.

As I walk passed Derek, I turn to him and ask. "Need a hand?" in a sarcastic tone, far enough away from Derek so he couldn't hit me.

I kick open the front doors of The Mall, a tanto in each hand, and a slasher smile creeping out from under the brim of my trilby.
"I'm baaack..."

A disc slaps me in the face, distracting me from my sweet fuelled reverie. The sugar high meant that I only felt it hours after the impact. I flip out, granted extra speed by the copious amounts of chemicals running through my body. Leaping into the corridor I notice a man affixed to the wall by a javelin flailing madly, I use his own flails to detach his limbs with my sabre,leaving just a torso stuck to the wall. I see Zeph out of the corner of my eye and hack at his face with the blood covered sabre, it slips from my hand while still embedded in his face and I beat him to a pulp with the baseball bat. Noises alert me to something dangerous.

"That bastard's got a nail gun." I beat open a ventilation shaft and crawl inside to stealth my way to Grim.

I awake back in the boiler room for some reason. I must of stumbled in there after Trilby threw the stale loaf of bread at me. My face is still painted blue and white. Plus I still have my weapons. I open the door to be greeted by extreme sense of carnage. I see Paddy climbing into the ventilation shaft. I remember Grim threatening me. I shrug and return to the boiler room, to continue waiting for attackers.

"Hmm, a flaming nail gun won't cut it forever." So I head to a hardware store and grab a four foot long lead pipe, and then I go to the gardening store and grab a lawn mower blade. I open a portal to my storage room and place both items there. I then leave and go back to the hardware store to grab a blow torch. I head back to my storage room, and begin creating my makeshift sword

I reach a grille above Grim just as he disappears into the portal.

"I probably shouldn't have dropped all that acid before coming to the mall."

I drop down into the open space and await a challenge.

Explosives - LOCKED

"Can't let you do that, Bryghtside."

I continue running around the Mall, then see Paddy.
So I stab him in the chest.

Realising that death is near I use my lighter on my sleeves. I rugby tackle Trilby and scream

"How d'ya like these for firearms motherfucker?" I hold him a bear hug until I bleed out.

I sit down and burn to death.
"Ooh, what smells like bacon!? Oh... right... me..."
I respawn in a Mini dealership, and steal a Cooper.
"THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME OH MY GOD!" I scream as I drive around the Mall.

Paddy the Second:
"How d'ya like these for firearms motherfucker?"

"Yes, good... GOOD!"

Its time.... With my vehicle complete, I drive out of the garage.

I respawn in the path of the pimped out ice cream truck. Diving through the windscreen I grapple with Ninja, before realising I'm heavily bleeding and being thrown out and into a shop window. I get myself a set of nunchuks (apologising for the probably incorrect internal spelling) and gaffer tape some knives to the business ends. I then attach them to ends of two katanas, which I chain together, I repeat the process and and run outside trailing blood and chains.

I stop beside Paddy.

"Want a lift?" While keeping my idle hand beside a concealed flamethrower.

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