Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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stok3r:

I haven't played Chrono Cross because, you know, PAL, but with my newly acquired PS1, and also being a fan of Chrono Trigger, it will be one of the first I buy when I chip my console (yeah I know I could just download it, but I like actually having the real disc)

I made a mistake here my friend. The one I considered as the best JRPG story is indeed Chrono Trigger. I always mistake Cross and Trigger. At least you know what I consider as a very immersive or entertaining JRPG plot. It may just be taking over the world for bad guys, but the different timelines made it very memorable.

Banging coconuts together, oh i get it, monty python reference.

Anyway, i liked the early FF's but after 7 it felt like i had seen this before, oh yeah the sonic the hedgehog games after adventure. Well, at least the graphics are nice, and the case can make a decorative paperweight.

Funny!

Oh, I'm supposed to contribute something...
I'm never, ever going to play a JRPG because Final Fantasy VII didn't start on my goddamn computer, so I hate JRPGs now. Angst.

Jamesigh:
disappointing. i was looking forward to this review, but only playing five hours of the game makes it completely pointless.

Aye, I was a bit disappointed too. Still, there's always next week I guess.

This dosn't seem like a game i will like

<Looks at Username> Fuck off!!

The game plays it's self hmm WHAT FUCK IS THIS MGS4 gone too far.

He's right about the those kids i find it hard to beleve they fight in the game.

I only survived about 2-3 hours before I couldn't take it any more. The "it gets better 20 hours in" view out there is incredible, what a great sell for the game - yeah, it's shit for almost a whole day's worth of hours from your life ... but don't worry things will be fine later on. I've paid for the damn thing, I want it to be good right from the start and get even better later on. Will never bother with Final Fantasy again - until, that is, they can do a matrix-style virtual reality version of it and I can beat the snot out of Hope.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO VANILLE YOU MISERABLE TWAT I HOPE YOU DIE OF SQUIRREL AIDS!

Also, for me, it got good about 5-6 hours in, and excellent 15-16 hours in.

Honestly, from what I've played of FFXIII so far, I like it (However, this is probably because I like both interactive storytelling games AND JRPG's). However, he does bring up good points about some things.

All of the characters are completely unlikeable and annoying and I want to slap them all in the face. The redeeming quality about other FF's were that for every Squall/Garnet and Tidus/Yuna, there were characters like Quistis/Irvine and Lulu/Auron/Rikku. The characterization categories that these characters fit into are taken to such EXTREMES that it's laughably ridiculous. Let me take each character into perspective:

Hope: Hope has officially dethroned Squall as the "KING OF ALL EMOS" and it's really infuriating because the emo characters are always the ones that I hate the most.

Vanille: I've always loved Yuffie and Rikku and similar "comic relief characters" because they add humor and light to the otherwise dark plots, but Vanille is just RETARDED and it's extremely annoying.

Lightning: Auron's stoicism is what made him cool and tough. Lightning's stoicism makes her annoying. Why is that? Because Auron has a personality and a background that people can relate to and empathize with. Lightning is literally a brick wall that has legs and carries a sword.

Sazh: Besides having the most ridiculous name imo of any character in the FF series, his character is also blown out of proportion. Although I don't think he's as annoying as Barret, but that's not saying much. Easily the most "real" out of all the characters. I say "real" instead of "likable" because I still find him annoying.

Snow: See the Hope section and replace Hope with Snow and Squall with Zell and it gets my point across pretty well. The "manly" characters are my second most hated categorization of characters.

I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.

EDIT: I just remembered something. Move "emo kids" to 2nd place and "manly men" to third. A GREAT thing about this game is that there's no "girly girls" who play the damsel in distress (see Garnet, Rinoa, Yuna) who OFFICIALLY take my number one "most hated" award.

Am I the only one who thinks that "it gets good 20 hours in" is an insult? Seriously, without that I could imagine that it gets good later and Yahtzee was just getting through it really slow because he was distracted or something, but the fact that people who are long time FF players could take 20 hours of playing until it starts getting fun is absurd. I could play Portal ten times before FF13 got fun. I didn't even LIKE FFX, but it was fun before the 20th hour of gameplay.

I can say I'm not suprised by his reaction at all. In fact had there been one I could have easily won the betting pool on what he'd harp on. With that said the combat in the XIII is a bit boring till later on. Later it becomes a fun strategic mini game between running around a field doing kill quests. With that said, I still find enjoyment in the game even though it is a bit 2-D.

HA!

Thank you, yet again, for a moment of Wednesday Mirth, Yahtzee.

That is all.

comet5002:

I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.

If you haven't reached the point where you get Fang you don't even know 10% of the character's motivations and progression curve (some of them are significantly different towards the end), so what you wrote is completely inaccurate.

Belladonnah:

comet5002:

I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.

If you haven't reached the point where you get Fang you don't even know 10% of the character's motivations and progression curve (some of them are significantly different towards the end), so what you wrote is completely inaccurate.

Out of curiosity, Comet, how many hours have you played FF13?

Hah hah, it was predictable and saw it coming like a mile away but it was still funny.

Won't change the fact that it is a good game but Yahtzee can make anything seem horrible and be hilarious while doing.

as soon as i heard him say that he liked final fantasy 6 (also my favorite) my mouth dropped open in shock. Keep up the hilarious reviews Yahtzee!

As my friend put it, that kooky character is "getting progressively more British" as the game goes on. I laughed at that one.

OK I feel like this needs to be said.

Yes lots of people are hating on this game, but you know what, lots more people are finding this game EXTREMELY ENJOYABLE. Just because you don't like it, certianly doesn't mean it's the worst game ever created.

This holds true to the guys bringing up FF7... for some reason. Yes, I get you hate the game. But so many people love it, you just come off as some douche.

Finally, don't let haters make you not try/buy FFXIII. I didn't listen and I absolutely loved it. Just give it a try and see for yourself, you might just find a great experience. Even if you dislike it, you at least have a game with great production values and gorgeous environments.

Very funny review! Shame its wrong!!!

The "Spice" bit was very well done, but my favorite line was regarding the painting of the fireworks display.

I will see the Mana Bar someday. Mark my words.

Someday.

Mackheath:
Looks like my fears on 13 are founded. But I've wasted my life away on WoW so I suppose I can tolerate Final Fantasy Seven-2 13 well enough.

No no FF7 was actually playable this is FFX-3.

Yahtzee, if you were busy, no one would fault you for skipping this game all together. I mean, you do review "games", meaning an interactive video product where your actually PLAYING something. Nowhere in your contract are you required to review FMV games...

I LOVE the final fantasy series, I love sitting back and relaxing with the combat menu and dont have to button mash, I love not having to look in every direction at once for snipers like in some reality shooters.
BUT then the series changed after 9. Changed from open map to grindy linear corridors. WTF IS WITH THAT SHIT! 10 was ok despite that. Had almost all the gameplay elements I liked to play while relaxing as did 10-2.
However 12 was the biggest pile of shit I had ever played. I WANT TO CONTROL THE FUCKING CHARACTERS! And where the FUCK did my relaxing game go? Now I'm running all over the fucking battle screen just hitting attack at everything cause the battles are so easy there's no point in even bothering to use any magic or items. 24 game hours into 12 I said fuck this shit and returned it to the store.
Now we come to FFXIII. Now its at this point I'd like to reiterate that I have a massive hard-on for J-RPGS. I love them right in their emo ass. BUT (again) FFXIII with its linear corridor game-play, 20+ hour cap before it "gets good" and retard proof combat system has taken gaming design for morons to a whole new level I cannot fucking stand and WILL NOT be playing or buying this hyperised piece of SHIT!
Squeenix should be ashamed for releasing such unmitigated crap.

I don't want my fucking hand held while playing the game, I don't want the game to play it for me. I WANT TO PLAY THE FUCKER MYSELF! AND ENJOY IT! Hard battles and all. I want the challenge back that used to be there and the exploration.
I feel like Squeenix has bent me over and said "your gonna like this" and shafted me so hard I could feel my spleen pop into my throat.

*Breathes* That's how I feel about that ^_^

does anybody else think that he just did this to have a go at the genre? I mean, he talked about the actual gameplay very little and almost every single one of his complaints were based off the stereotypes that all JRPG haters tend to have... and none of those complaints have ever made sense to me... (and respouting them doesnt make them sensical)

i think that he should have done metro 2033 instead of ff13

edgeofblade:
Yahtzee, if you were busy, no one would fault you for skipping this game all together. I mean, you do review "games", meaning an interactive video product where your actually PLAYING something. Nowhere in your contract are you required to review FMV games...

I have to agree. FFXIII isnt a game. Its a bad movie. And expensive bad and boring movie.

comet5002:
CITIZEN SNIPSSSSSSSSSSSS!

wait, wait, wait. you liked Zell? Really? not gonna lie, I find this disturbing.

OT: Actually agree with yahtzee for once. I too haven't liked a Final Fantasy since 6. Ever since 7 it really has been more about the spectacle and "pushing the visual limits" instead of making a good game and writing a good story. 8 and 10 in particular had some of the worst story/writing in any game I've played in ages, though they did look pretty for when they were released.

I'm 100% on your side with this one, but the only difference is I'm the type of idiot that kept going even after the fifth hour, and the sixth, and the seventh. When it finally got to the point where the world opened up (25 GODDAMN HOURS LATER!) I threw my hands up in frustration, traded it in and bought Mass Effect 2. Never again Final Fantasy, never again.

canadamus_prime:
Yeah, I thought Final Fantasy VI was the peak of the series too.

FFVI is so damned overrated i die a little inside whenever someone says it's amazing.

I'm enjoying FFXIII but i do have some of the same problems, i'm in the final chapter of the game and i still don't really understand what the hell is going on.

Also: Hope is a whiny little bastard, i refuse to have him in my team.

Couldn't have called todays review being a Final Fantasy game. I was thinking that he would go for God of War 3...

I never played FF6-FF9 so when I played FFX I never wanted to play any of the releases from then on.

The game goes take an ungodly amount of time to drop the training wheels. Also it is very linear, especially for protagonists that don't even know where to go or what to do really.

All that redundant text posted redundantly in the text of the text says the same thing over and over and again and again, redundantly. I think they were trying to fix some of the past games' confusion points in their plots (like FF7 and FF8 being rather convoluted). It is a bit too much narrative to read. it's like the movie script and cliff notes and encylopeadia all wrapped into one.

Overall I do enjoy the game, it just took too damn long to get moving.

nicodeemus327:

Tehlanna TPX:
I'm enjoying 13 immensely but unlike some fans I have a sense of humor :). This was awesome. And goddamn Vanille is pretty kooky isn't she? I thought it was just me. She's batshit crazy!

There's actually a reason why she's batshit crazy and acts so kooky.

I had gathered. But I'm not there yet (I'm juggling to even fit in time to play 13 atm!) soooo no spoilers :).

Took the words out of my mouth.

This game is dog shit.

neilsaccount:
i think that he should have done metro 2033 instead of ff13

So instead of playing one bad game he should play another bad game? Is this what you're saying?

I was really looking forward to this one, but I decided to have it tested on my favorite guinea pigs: my friends.

And while I'm watching them play through FFXIII, I found it increasingly difficult to stay awake. I don't know what it is, but for whatever reason the game cannot keep me interested for more than ten minutes before I flip up my laptop and go for as-yet-another full round of Civilization IV. Yes, micromanaging a miniature government is more entertaining to me than a Final Fantasy game. The world around me should be crumbling

Beating a dead horse here, but what Yahtzee said about the characters is painfully true. I know there's sources and interviews and such of the developers flat-out calling this game a FFVII remake, but could they have at least tried to disguise it? Lightning is such an obvious clone of Cloud that if it actually fits better if I pretend I'm playing as Cloud in drag again, and why the fuck do I need to revisit that?

The only upside to this is that Snow kinda reminds me of Laguna, and I am admittedly really gay for FFVIII.

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