Letters to Skyrim

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Just something for fun, in character letters to the people of Skyrim.

Dear Skyrim,

I was attempting to vacation in your fine country when I was assaulted by your soldiers, thrown into a wagon, and am now about to have my head cut off (the Captain being nice enough to allow me to write this letter). This so far has been my worst vacation ever and I shall not be returning.

Sincerely, Tobi D. Seesed

Dear Skyrim,

Having travelled through you country for some time I have come to admire the hardy resilience of your people. I must ask however that you restrain your dead before burial, it seems that even death cannot keep a good Nord down.

Sincerely, A concerned explorer

Dear Skyrim,

Where are all the Khajiit? Why do people give me funny looks?
And why does nobody pay attention to their pockets? Look, if my biggest problem is that I need to invest in property so that I don't break my spine carrying your valuables, then I agree with the grumpy tall Nord in the pub: your security is terrible.
And your skooma trade is just... abysmal.

Sincerely, A Concerned Gentle-Cat Thief.

P.S. What's with the civil war? It's a fight between a group of native racists, a group of foreign racists who like taking over everyone else and a bunch of other native racists running around half the country.
And the 'non-racist' group will execute you for walking near their enemies. In Elsewyr, I'd have been thrown in a cell overnight until I sobered up. You then expect me to save the country from some dragons. No. I will fuck your economy like a desperate, ugly virgin on a frosty night after drinking with Sam Guivenne.
And believe me.
I've done that.

Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

Dear Skyrim,

Need stronger dragons.

Love, Hrothar

Dear Skyrim,

I would like you to kick those thalmor bastards out, they give high elves like me a bad name! Also, could you maybe put some protection on your horses, I pay 100 gold for one and I fall a measly 100 feet and it dies! That's just a rip off!

Sincerely, a bloody angry Altmer!

Dear Skyrim.
I decided to further my studies and go to college, While studying destruction among other subjects my hands got badly burnt, electrocuted and frozen. This has massively hindered my studies in other area such as alchemy, double handed and heavy armor. Can you please talk to your tutors and ask them to discover a way of magic working were my hands are not being effected by the elements.
Yours respectively..
A concerned high elf.

Dear Skyrim,

As much as I would love to be in your lands, the admission fee of 60$ is a little much, and I am too busy fighting a devourer of planets with my new friends Dr. Stephen Vincent Strange and Mr. Phoenix Wright.
Sincerely yours,

Firebrand

Dear Skyrim

I was minding my own business, when some Nord wearing a Bearskin on his head shouted at me, somehow throwing me off a cliff.

Love, Ariston

Dear Skyrim,

Give me my life back. Or not. Whatever. Ooh, a soul gem!

Sincerely, Dar'Khali, Khajit Warrior/Mage/Thief/Motherfucker.

Dear Skyrim,

GRAAAAWRRR ME SMASH! PEOPLE FLY? WHY!?

Sincerely, An angry giant.

Dear Skyrim,

Thank you.

Sincerely, Sorian uln Orikahn

Dear Skyrim,

I am sorry I accidentally shouted at a guard and ended up causing the massacre of Markarth.

Sincerely,

A regretful Redguard

To the Blacksmiths of Skyrim,

We wish to inform you that unfortunately we can no longer purchase your surplus iron daggers. At this point it is no exaggeration to say we have 10 iron daggers for every man, woman, and child in Tamriel. This ban on imported daggers also extends to iron daggers with seemingly random petty enchantments.

-Cyrodiil Merchants Association

Dear Skyrim

After spending a great deal of time wandering the wilderness of Skyrim, I can't help but feel that a great many problems currently hindering local commerce would be solved if the Jarls were introduced to the notions of "wildlife control" and "cremation".

Sincerely,
Ioreck Fire-Mane. Adventurer, Businessman, Messiah.

P.S.

Do not, under any circumstances, mention wildlife control to the Companions. You'll thank me in time.

Dear Skyrim,

I do not understand why the fact that I can literally spit fire, disappear spontaneously, slow time, and shoot a bandit in between the eyes at 300 yards is overshadowed by my pointy ears.

Sincerely,

A confused wood elf

Dear concerned citizens of Whiterun,

This letter won't be received because there isn't anyone left alive in Whiterun. Probably. If a survivor gets this letter, I want you to know that I am truly sorry. You were supposed to die, too. If you could just...throw yourself on a sword or something, that would be great. Really. It would just save me so much time. Also, I want you to know that the entire ordeal is your fault. Not you, potential survivor, but the town. You see, I accidentally picked up a mace in the blacksmith's place of business. Apparently he had a strict 'no touching' policy. He also had a 'Kill all offenders' policy. I tried to reason with him, but the situation escolated and he got his wife involved...then the Battle-Born clan...then the town guard...Again, not my fault. Your fault. This time I do mean you, potential survivor.

Truly sorry,
Kayle Draken

Dear Skyrim,

I know that you like to stand in doorways, making full use of the space so that people may efficiently move from location to location. But when I come-by there's never enough room for pass and even when try to barge through you just stand there.

So I would gladly ask of you to look for any adventures in-need of getting to places so that we may all live in a happy and death free Skyrim.

Yours faithfully
Dovahkiin

P.S
Minstrels are not funny but very racist.

Dear Skyrim,
I joined the College of Winterhold hoping to learn more about magic, but I was made Archmage about two hours after joining. What kind of shitty school is this?

Yours truly,
Archmage Marayn Zallit

Dear Skyrim

Due to a recent and thorough survey be the EEPA(Emperial Eviromental Protection Agency), we discovered an astonishingly low diversity of aquatic wildlife.
The fact that there are only 6 species of fish in the freshwater rivers and lakes of an entire continent is disturbing to say the least. Not to mention rumors of Jarls hiring mercenaries to eliminate dragons, which are an endangered species.

A representative will be dispatched to your area shortly to investigate your Wildlife Presevation Facilities, as well as your water treatment facilities, and any other facility we may or may not seek access too. i.e. Breweries and Inns

Sincerly
Director of the EEPA,
Al Gorea

Dear Skyrim,

Your tourism advertising paid off, as it convinced my husband to visit for "just a little while." He left weeks ago and I have had no contact since. I fear I may never speak to him again. Curse you!

Yours,
Lonely wife

Dear Skyrim,

In order to life the burden off of my shoulders as the only adventurer out there that is willing to help your people, I would recommend giving out free knee armour sets.
It seems that many of your current guards would have loved to help out, but due to poor knee armour can no longer do so.

A second item I would like to bring up would be a new and exciting tradition of burning your dead.

-A helpful Orc.

Dear Skyrim,

Give your merchants more gold dammit!

Sincerely,
A dragonborn with too much loot.

Dear Skyrim,

I am really really really sorry I trampled a chicken. Am I forgiven now?

Love from,

Dragonborn, the bane of chickens.

Dear Skyrim,

I haven't got around to organising a holiday to your country but find myself curious. Would you care to send me some brochures?

Yours faithfully,
Ursus

Dear Skyrim,

I failed my course beacuse of you. Please refund me the money. Will exept gold or soulgems

Dear Rabbits of Skyrim,

FUS RO DAH!!!!

heh heh heh

Dear Skyrim,

Could you please explain to me why your merchants will buy refined products for less than the raw materials?

Yours,

A confused Master Blacksmith

Dear Skyrim,

I really think you're guards need some better neck protection.

At least make it a little bit challenging to mine grand souls.

Sincerely, a slightly bored Listener

Dear Skyrim,

I'm happy that you give us an option to aid the stormcloaks and the imperials, but could you please make them different other then copies of the same missions with different enemies? also, can you allow us to create our own rebellion so you can rule skyrim other then that ulfric guy?

Sincerely, an optimistic Orc

Dear Skyrim,

Are your guards psychic or have the ability to look through walls? I made hard effort to see if there was anyone around during my...erm...secretive shopping at night. Yet after my 'purchase' I was stopped by a guard who I then fled from.

Sincerely,
Still running from Riften guards

Dear Skyrim,

Please obtain a more temperate climate. This would remove the annoyances such as mammoths and frost trolls. Also it would increase tourism among Argonians.

Sincerely,
A very cold Argonian.

Dear Greybeards,

Sorry I accidentally shouted you off the mountain.

Please come back up I miss you.

Best regards,
A regretful Imperial.

Dear Skyrim,
Why do some of your natives insist that I must die, despite being the only person on the whole fucking continent with the capability to permanently destroy dragons, eliminate the Alduin threat and prevent the world from bathing in an eternal fire? Seriously, make me wonder if I should have just stayed in High Rock and waited for the dragons to come to me...

Oh, and this civil war - What has the Empire ever done for us, right? Oh yeah, prosperity and peace. What have the Thalmore ever done for us? Fuck all but a bloody great war. Imperials hate them just as much as you do, Stormcloaks, but you have to pucker up and live with the terms of the white-gold concordat until the Empire can get back on its feet again. stand united, not alone - then diplomatically cede yourself from the Empire.

Although, maybe if you, Skyrim, become independent but remain a close ally of the Empire... yes. This is how it needs to be - A free reign Skyrim with close ties to an honorable Empire. The Thalmore could be tricked into being "invited" into Skyrim to attack Cyrodiil from the north, then the Stormcloakscould aid the Empire in destroying them from all sides and within. They won't see it coming! Haha! This way Skyrim is independant, the Empire loses very little as to its own rule over the land and the Thalmore armies get destroyed for their own blood lust of the Empire - Ingenious! I must make haste for Windhelm to, dare I say, join the stormcloaks and kick out the Empire out with minimal losses. Then we must offer your mighty force and this letter to the Emperor, Skyrim, for time is of the essence and the Thalmore must not gain wind of this plan.

Sincerely,
Sigi

Emperors eyes only Upon reading, this letter must be destroyed.

Dear Skyrim,

Let me kill your children. Expand on the Dark Brotherhood. Let me unsummon my *try not to spoiler* a particular spectral assassin instead of having to kill it. Please allow more unique endings and integrate more story paths to choose that actually change the world around you. Also a few more monsters and kill moves would be great too.

P.S. Waiting on that patch, I have 4 broken quests that needs to be addressed.

Much Love, Chezz

Dear Skyrim,

Too many of your locals are immortal, it kinda sucks.

Love,
Me.

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