Letters to Skyrim

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Dear Skyrim;

The tolerance and accomodation offered by your natives reached creepy levels at the point when I realised there is only one tradesman-type-profession who will not happily surrender their own sensitive apparatus and equipment to an armour-wearing amateur who kicks them off their shit.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Skyrim's miners;

Please let me kick you off your shit.
Thank you.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Thalmor

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it and it was a hurtful thing to do. It's just that you're all pious arseholes with a strangehold on my family's beloved empire and my preceding actions have caused you now all to attack me on sight, an action my maniacal fire mage blood compels me to reciprocate.

Love Dontincludemypeopleinyourracism (A grizzly Dunmer)

Dear Skyrim

Why did my admission ticket arrive so soon before the start of my exams? And is there any basis in these wicked rumours I will be arrested for no good reason and threatened with beheading, only to be rescued by a dragon showing up and burning everyone.

I will arrive soon once my studies have concluded for a well earned break and I hope to find this not so.

Sincerely, a student

1-up:
Dear Skyrim,

I would like to call your attention to the dire straits of your education system. During my visit, I could find little to no evidence of formal education among the youth of your cities. Most of their time was spent lounging about and being disrespectful of their elders. I understand that your communities value the quiet life of rural farming, but quite frankly something must be done! Evidence of this lack of formal education is expressed quite acutely in the atrocious understanding of supply and demand economics displayed by your local merchants as well as the rampant superstition among the average townsfolk.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to visit a venue of higher education in your fine country. Apparently, it is the ONLY venue of higher education, as it has adopted the delightfully singular title of "The College". I was most distressed at the state I found your institution of learning. While I appreciate that they have a nominal entrance examination, the college itself appears to be more of a flophouse than university. Nine students in a snowy mountain castle are more fitting for the set of a poor quality horror movie than an ivory tower. Additionally, the tenure process is shady at best. While I had initially feared a rousing game of "spin the bottle" would determine placement, it instead turned out to be a scavenger hunt. I myself managed to become arch-mage within mere days of my initial visit, an honor bestowed I suspect more due to my tolerance of long walks than a particular magical aptitude.

I would propose an organized and intentional government indoctrination program regarding the benefits of education, both basic and higher. Perhaps that would remove some of the urchins from the streets and discourage local authority figures from referring to me as "that mage" from "that college" - apologies, "the college".

With Warmest Regards,

Arch-Mage

Dear Arch-Mage

We in Solitude feel wholly offended that you seem to have overlooked another entirely legitimate college on the other side of the map. Yes, our entrance requirements are crap, but that's just because there's no system of primary education in this desolate, barren, northern wasteland.

Sincerely, the Bard's College

Dear Mammoths

How is it that you are not extinct? It's a cold, mountainous region, not the bloody Ice Age

Sincerely, a casual paleontologist

Dear Jarls

Regardless of who is right in your silly civil war, I think both sides really have to face a bitter truth: THERE ARE MORE BANDITS IN THIS BLOODY COUNTRY THAN LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS! I understand it must be very warm to have your head shoved so far up your ass, but when the majority of your people have taken to defecting BOTH the law AND the rebellion, I think a change of priorities is in order. Oh, wait, nevermind. I think I just killed them all.

Sincerely, the man who just saved absolutely everyone. Again.

Dear Skyrim,
Please, please, no more Sabre Cats.
Love, The Wolfe Twins.
P.s. We would love if there was a law against Marrying while Drunk, and against Marrying Hagravens and similar Wild Fauna. It would have saved us a lot of bother.

Dear Skyrim,

I recently found a calm, cool barrow with a ready access to those delicious bandits you keep providing us with. As a good mother spider, I webbed it up and layed my eggs.
But suddenly, and without provocation, I might add, I was rudely interrupted by a furry little vandal right as I hoisted myself down for dinner. That delinquent proceeded to set me ablaze and beat me senseless with his mace, leaving me for dead while he took my babies, set the dinner free and booked it.

Now I'm alone, beaten and singed, and I have to web all those tunnels back up and hope some new bandits move on in. Do you know that we, Arachnida Gigantus Horriblia, are an endangered species?! I expect the Khajiit to face a very hefty fine in the future, or the next brood I lay will be in your bed.

Sincerely, Mrs. Frostbite Spider.

Dear Skyrim,

I have recently galivanted off with thirty pounds of very valuable Malachite from an active mine within your borders,with no reprecussions. Since this ore is used to make high quality weapons and light armour,I'm surprised that a security detail wasn't assigned to me upon entry,and they didn't confiscate the Malachite as I mined it. Quite frankly,I'm stupefied at this flagrant misstep in common sense in regards to the security of your mines. I recently pulled an identical stunt in a Corundum mine. You may wish to revise your security protocols.

Regards,A Larcenous Miner.

Dear Skyrim,

If I'm ever walking around one of your wooded areas and I see the Slenderman, I WILL find a way to nuke your world into Oblivion.

Sincerely,
I Really Shouldn't Watch Marble Hornets When I'm Tired

P.S. Don't really worry about the nuking, I'll probably have a heart attack and die if I see it.

Dear Dungeon cleanup and threat-entropy maintainence service (Skyrim branch);

I know you exist. I'm not mad. I just wondered how you manage to do it all so quickly? I mean, with the number of idle bandits sitting around in Skyrim hiring them to replace the scum and villainy inhabiting a cleared cave shouldn't be too difficult, but where do you source your flammable oil? And isn't replacing all the valuable loot (gemstones and superweapons included) expensive? Where do you get your funds? And all this done in the space of (in some cases) twenty minutes, with no evidence you have ever been there, save the presence of your work in the newly revitalised dungeon.

P.S. Is your leader an Altmer? I know about the Dunmer Twins in charge of callouts, but just wondering.

Sincerely;

A concerned adventurer.

Mekado:
Dear Skyrim,

Give us the Creation kit already, pretty please ?

- A Mod-starved citizen

Dear Mod-starved citizen

Sorry, we can't. It doesn't work. We've already stated that the Creation Kit takes exception to the way the game loads textures (improperly) and crashes. We would like to solve this issue, but obviously it's not going to make a blind bit of difference until we fix some of the game, and really we'd rather just have pillow fights with our huge sacks of money.

-Bethesda Softworks

Dear Skyrim,

I was taking a walk beside a dangerous cliff, Murdering women & children when this lunatic covered in the bones of a dragon comes & shouts me & my friends off the cliff.
Please kill him,and all other races except Altmer.
Sincerely,The Thalmor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Skyrim,

I was just minding my own business when a bunch of snooty high elves come and try to kill me, something to do with worshiping my Hero(Talos) or something, So i killed them all, impaled them, disemboweled them, cut off their heads and paraded their remains around a town then afterwards sent the remains to their family & friends. Now every single altmer is out to get me, so i just do the same.
This,saldy, results in half of skyrim wanting me dead.
Please send more thalmor to kill.

-Dovakihn

Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

Muspelheim:
Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

Dear Mr Altmer President,

You're not fooling anyone with that ridiculous costume. We knew that junk was dumb and you should too.

Sincerely;

Children of Riverwood.

dear skyrim,

If A well-built rogue proceeds to put a bucket on your head, please be sure that no personal belongings are missing after you remove said bucket. Numerous hijinks have occured through these so called "bukkit heists", so it is up to you to remain vigilant and keep your noggin bucket-free.

Yours,
The Whiterun guard association

Dear Children of Riverwood.

I am impressed that you are more perceptive than your parents are. Tell me, won't you consider singing up for service for the Elven Enclave? I will reward you dearly for whatever information you might have on illegal Talos-worship.

Remember, Elven candy is... In a league of its own. Join me, and I shall bestow upon you more candy than you can possibly ever eat!

Sincerely, your President, John Henry Eden, singing off.

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

As useful as your Insta-Travel service is, I often find that only my corpse ever reaches my destination safely. Now, call me frugal, but I consider my soul to be just a bit more valuable than my items. I would appreciate it if you could ensure I survive your otherwise flawless service.

Yours Sincerley,
A very bruised Breton.

Dear Skyrim,

What the fuck is up with your Dark Brotherhood?!
I leave for a few hundred years and the whole thing goes to shit.

Love,
The Listener

P.S. that "little girl" was delicious

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

Lay off the steroids.

Sincerely,
I Can See My House (In Cyrodil) From Here

P.S.

Dear Skyrim,
I have been made thane of this city. Been granted the right to

. Why am I now assaulting it and massacring it as part of the Civil War?

Much love
Cathod the Were-wolf Kitty in Full Dragonscale Armour with a bow aimed at your head.

Dear Skyrim,
Why is your population so aggressive?!

I was just travelling around one day, looking at mountains and stuff, taking in the beautiful views, minding my own business harming nobody when some prick starts shooting arrows and shouting at me!

So I try and ignore him, do the mature thing, but he's a persistent guy, and one of the arrows hits me, so naturally I take it upon myself to come over and tell him to finally 'Fuck off', but he keeps shooting arrows!
With that, I took it upon myself to simply leave.
The manners of Nords these days...

Sincerely, a Dragon.

Seriously, I was saw a dragon casually just flying above Windhelm, not bothering anything, and naturally tried to shoot it down, but it ignored me and flew away! Just found it quite funny; maybe I was in the wrong there...

Dear Skyrim

My girlfriend wants a word with you.

Love Gav

Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about the hostility of your local giants. Everytime I try to pet one of their mammoths they launch me into the stratosphere.

Sincerely,
A mammoth lover.

Dear Skyrim,

I came to your lands to learn the ways of combat from your hardy people, but I find myself dissapointed by how simplistic the fighting styles of your people are.

Perhaps a combat renesanse is in order?

Yours truely, Isaac.

Dear Skyrim,

Vot iz up wit doz dem flyin' lizard tings, hmmm? Dey is alvays vanderin' 'round tryin' to lights me hon fiyer! Vonce jou killz dem zough, der zouls mek fur von hell ov un rush! Mehbe dats mekkin' up for de vay dat skooma don verk on us Jäger, hey? Heneyvay, Iz got verk to do.

-Jarrim, de Jägerkiin

bleachigo10:
Dear Skyrim,

Please do something about the hostility of your local giants. Everytime I try to pet one of their mammoths they launch me into the stratosphere.

Sincerely,
A mammoth lover.

Dear Freak,

We don't care how devoted you are in your worship of Dibella. We don't like your kind 'round here.

Sincerely,
Skyrim

Dear Skyrim,

Firstly let me express my profound sorrow and confusion in my actions. Many days ago i entered your fair country, riddled with civil war and poverty, in shackles. Since then i have risen to be the head of a few of your prominent organizations, the companions and a secretive and dark organization that shall not be named. It rhymes with "we-are-not-the-black hand". I also became a fairly upstanding Imperial Guard.

See this is were the problem first arrises. I may, or may not, have killed a rather prominent member of the royal family, his most loyal guard, framed a few soldiers, slaughtered a lot of highly skilled royal guard, and then killed the person who sent me on the murders. I also may have freed a prisoner of war on an unrelated note. . .

And slaughtered alot of thalomer. . . and bandits . . . and highway men . . . a few beggars. . . and basically any one who got in my way. This is mainly because i am a helpful adventurer, and when people ask me to do a quest i have to do it, or it muddles up my quest log. So i go out and i do the quest, solve the problems, kill the people, get a few gold, and then move on. This is confusing for me as i truly do support and serve the imperium . . .

I guess what i am trying to say is: STOP HAVING ME SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. I don't need to deliver your love letter, or get back your dads sword, or get you a relic, or kill your emperor. I am just here to kill a few dragons and crouch just outside of your field of view so i can get a sneak attack on you because your friend asked me to kill you.

Is that really so much to ask?

Respectfully,
The Listner, Imperial Soldier, Thane of Whiterun, Head of the Companions, DragonBorn
Desmond

P.S. Stop making the new guy the head of all your organizations.

Dear Tamriel

(spoiler -Dark Brotherhood- alert, not end of main story)

After the drag of becoming the head of the Dark Brotherhood by the lil task of killing the old emperor. I belive that u could grant me the wish of being the next Empress, you know? im Imperial, im a hero and a conqueror, have assasins, a deal with the dead,im a sage and most importantly the only Dovahkiin of the century and a bit cowardy avoiding the Alduin fight and traveling around with an elder scroll as if it was just toilet paper. (not that i used it for that)

I have the Empress cloths (from the emperors body itself), the shoes and a nice collection of tiaras that fit perfectly.
Can i be the Empress?? pretty please?

Sincerely with love
The eager DB Listener of Tamriel
(and Dovahkiin)

Dear Skyrim,

FUS RO DAH!

Enjoy your trip down the mountain.

-Dovahkiin

Dear Tamriel Guards Union (Skyrim branch),

I was shocked at the state of your guard garrisons, especially in the Rift. I was strolling through Riften (the hold capital no less!) and saw dead guards littering the streets. I assumed the many deaths had severely limited the ability to clear the streets whilst maintaining patrols. This was a week ago. Since then, today is the first day I have seen a patrol. In fact, the entire garrison was firing on a single thief. The entire populus was fleeing from one man because of the excessive force taken. I appraised the thief's goods (I was actually the one to take him down, on my own) and the value was less than a few hundred septims. The thief corpse was left lying next to a pool of blood left by a slain guard (I took it upon myself to drag these bodies and dump them in the canal).
Let's address the key issue here: one thief removed the entire guard force from Mistveil Keep over cutlery and trinkets. Given that the force there is always the same level, and there have been no new patrols, I think killing them one by one would leave the city undefended in a time of civil war and dragon attacks.

Sincerely, T'rmel the Gentle-Cat Thief.

P.S. I find it shocking that I am allowed to work as a woodcutter. I spend entire days with a heavy axe in my hands, yet I am a well-known criminal (in fact, the previous time I was near heavy axes, Imperial troops and the Whiterun Hold I was about to take a lengthy trip to Sovngarde), a fact I told the Jarl straightaway.

SidingWithTheEnemy:
Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.

Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

Dear Ag'Gro Notch,

I personally appreciate your tales of cookery. Might I suggest paying a visit to a colleague of mine and purchase the following:
Eldar Cheese Wheels
Moon Sugar
Ale
It makes a wonderful culinary experience from my homeland named Elsweyr Fondue.
If you add a little Nightshade and get rid of the cheese and ale then it's a lot better.

T'rmel the Gentle-Cat Thief and Part-Time Dealer.

Dear Skyrim,

Let me first say that your people are very... tasty. Except your children, that only jump out of bed and whine and call the guards. But why do your people get such little sleep? Some stay up for days (perhaps more) on end!
And may I ask why your daytime officially begins at 5 AM when the sun is nowhere to be seen?

Sincerely,
A Hungry, Pale Dark Elf

Dear Skyrim

Upon purchasing the rather impressive Proudspire Manor I was devastated to learn I could not display my beautiful,shiny Daedric weapons and swords of authority on its wall panels. Whilst I will confess I do travel a lot, I do enjoy returning to a well decorated home, especially if those decorations remind my wife that souls are very negotiable if I get a fancy mace out of it.

Yours

A burdened Wood Elf

Dear Skyrim,

Your name is just dirty.. also I seem to have lost my dog Barbas, he will talk your ear off, and I really need to give him to someone important to me. So, if you see him send him to my house in Whiterun, cause the ones in Markath will attack me on sight, even though they've sent me to jail 12 times, I come out they are ready to kill me.

Thanks in Advance
Cuts-The-Throat, Argonian Listener of the Night Mother

Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.

Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

Dear Skyrim,

We all know Skooma doesn't just restore 25 stamina. Nice try.

Sincerely,
Not As Gullible As You Apparently Think

P.S. I won't be telling anyone new to the series about it. HEY NEW GUYS! Try Skooma next time you're out of stamina. I'm curious to see what happens.

... ER, if you have all the stamina you need. Haha... hah...

SidingWithTheEnemy:
Dear Skyrim,

while your natives are drunken racists dickheads and your climate is utterly unwelcoming I am most upset by your traditonal cooking or better lack of thereof. You can't seriously call this a satisfying cuisine. I can cook all day, the finest stew of all Tameriel but smithing one dagger and enchantig it with a lousy excuse for a soulstone is more appreciated than a five star menue with 12 courses and several desserts.

By the way, cooking is seriously underrated and you can't even buy decent cooking equipment or garments. I had to kill a mad chef in the gutters of Riften in order to get some halfway decent outfit.

Your's faithfully

Ag'Gro Notch Finest Chef and Master Saucier of Orsinnium and Beyond

Dear Ag'Gro,

You name seems to be attracting some less than savory people's attention. You may want to watch yourself.

Sincerely,
Skyrim Pun Tellers Association

P.S. I would like to try a plate of your best soup. No, you read that right. A plate. Of soup.

Dear Skyrim,

Sarram wishes to display his utmost disgust in your racial standpoint. Half of Nords want Sarram dead, other half calls Sarram a thief and tries to throw him in prison, even during times when Sarram really didn't steal anything. Also, they call Sarram a monster because of his studies in magic. Just because Sarram used one bandit's corpse to kill his friends does not mean he is a monster...then again, maybe they meant that time Sarram accidentally burned that priest to death in Riften while trying to stop thief with Incinerate...that is beside Sarram's point.

Sarram also wished to point out a fatal flaw he found in your legal system. Sarram was made Thane in multiple cities, and found he could literally get away with murdering innocent people and half of the city guard simply by telling Guards he was a Thane. Sarram isn't sure, but found it odd he could be let off with warning when knee-deep in bloody corpses of law-enforcement.

Yours truly,
Sarram Mest'e

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