Embarrassing sex-related stories

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Jonluw:
Oh, and you're now going to wonder in the back of your head for the next while how your dick compares to a toilet paper roll. You're welcome.

I didn't just wonder, I had to try it (challenge accepted). I'm hardly insecure about my dick size, but I looked at the roll and thought "no way..." Turns out I'm actually too big to fit in the damn thing, epic.

The first time I made out with a girl was just this last September (I was 24). (For reference, she was sort of a chubby gal, but I found I like that sort of thing.) I was awkward at first, just learning how to kiss and getting properly situated for the act. I kept setting my glasses on the couch and they kept getting crushed. Then about fifteen minutes in, she said she had to stop for a minute. She opened her purse and rubbed deodorant in her pits. I had noticed the smell a little bit and it did help. Maybe embarrassing for her, but I thought it was considerate.

About 5 months later, she started talking to me again. (I had kept asking her out, but only ever got one more date with her before she quit responding to my facebook messages.) I made a date to hang out and she completely stood me up. A couple days later, she messaged me on facebook saying she'd be willing to hang out again. She also mentioned that she'd been up all night. I asked if she should get some rest, but she said she's all good and would be ready in two hours. So, I drove over there two hours later at noon.... and she had fallen asleep. Her dad got her up, but I ended up waiting for her for 90 minutes on the couch with her father. Nice guy though. I ate lunch (she didn't want anything) and we watched a DVD at my place. She didn't want to make out because she was on her period. (I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. I could kinda smell it, I think. I had tampons. Had she told me earlier I'd have offered one.) Eventually, she stopped responding to my messages again.

The embarrassing part? I still very much want to date this person.

Elementary - Dear Watson:
My advice to everone is that romantic, sexual baths are not at all a good idea.

*snip*

seconded. "romantic" baths are a really bad idea. they are simply not made for two people in the average house...

i can't actually think of any beyond one girl that, due to inexperience, thought the term "blow job" was...instructional?..

also i've broken beds at least twice which always kinda throws you out of the moment...sometimes literally...

zelda2fanboy:
(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. I could kinda smell it, I think. I had tampons. Had she told me earlier I'd have offered one.) Eventually, she stopped responding to my messages again.

The embarrassing part? I still very much want to date this person.

thats....uh......not how it works

unless she was some kind of "environmental" hippie....(why did you have tampons?) uhh never mind

I was drunk and had a one night stand with girl. It wasn't very satisfying. We no longer speak. >.> I'm going to go forever alone now.

Long story short, I managed to jizz in my own eye during intercourse with my ex wife.

Yeah that shit stings alright.

Vault101:
(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

I'm just imagining it like gum or something.

"Oh hey here, I've got some tampons here if you want them."
*reaches into bag*
*offers tampon*
"Oh thanks!"
*...pops it in?!*

Mortai Gravesend:

Vault101:
(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

I'm just imagining it like gum or something.

"Oh hey here, I've got some tampons here if you want them."
*reaches into bag*
*offers tampon*
"Oh thanks!"
*...pops it in?!*

mabye he suffers from spontanious nosebleeds?

Vault101:

Mortai Gravesend:

Vault101:
(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

I'm just imagining it like gum or something.

"Oh hey here, I've got some tampons here if you want them."
*reaches into bag*
*offers tampon*
"Oh thanks!"
*...pops it in?!*

mabye he suffers from spontanious nosebleeds?

LOL XD

Now I'm imagining a guy with tampons up his nose. And worse still my imagined scenario applies to more situations now. Someone have a nosebleed? No problem, I'm equipped just for that occasion!

But sadly, I really can't imagine another reason he'd carry tampons around o__O

I really do want to know the real reason for them though. Nosebleeds does sound like a passable explanation though I guess? Personally I'd just carry napkins around, but who knows...

Sleekit:
also i've broken beds at least twice which always kinda throws you out of the moment...sometimes literally...

**checks your profile - no info**

... what year did you graduate from college? Cause, your comment there reminded me of the time I was in a bed-breaking situation. And then it occurred to me that it was remotely possible that you might actually BE that ex-boyfriend. And if so... I should probably make sure before sharing that story.

Vault101:

zelda2fanboy:
(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. I could kinda smell it, I think.

thats....uh......not how it works

Yeah... um... that caught my attention too. zeldafanboy, pads are generally thrown out after use, not washed. Washing one out... is actually kind of disturbing. I keep imagining it... ick.

Look what you've done! I can never un-think it!

Vault101:

Mortai Gravesend:

Vault101:
(why did you have tampons?)

This is exactly what I was tempted to ask when I read it .__.

mabye he suffers from spontanious nosebleeds?

^^;; I assumed that he meant he knew where his mother (or other female person - sister, flatmate, etc) kept hers. Although they do use tampons for treating nose bleeds. I saw it on Sex and the City. Poor Steve.

Bara_no_Hime:

Vault101:

zelda2fanboy:
(I think she kept going to the bathroom to wash out her pad or something. I could kinda smell it, I think.

thats....uh......not how it works

Yeah... um... that caught my attention too. zeldafanboy, pads are generally thrown out after use, not washed. Washing one out... is actually kind of disturbing. I keep imagining it... ick.

Look what you've done! I can never un-think it!

.

not to mention how inconvinet/time consuming it would be

you'd have to wander off every hour or so to go do laundry.....mabye even in somone elses sink

though like I said..Im sure there are hippie girls out there who choose less disposable options

I have heard the term.."cup"....I have NO Idea what that is..I DO NOT want to know what it is and this conversation is actually going somwhere horrible so I apologise

@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

On topic, i dont have a personal story but..well see my room overlooks an alleyway (of sorts). One week i decided to record audio of myself sleeping and i would analyse it using audacity.

Around midweek for three nights in a row, cries of the beast with two backs would stir me from my sleep. I mean loud, screaming, "oh my god harder!!!" sex. Outside my window. Thought i was going crazy or having really lucid dreams.

So yeah....after some scrutiny on audacity, around 1 to 2am for those 3 days, a car would rumble up the alley and some couple went on and on for a half hour. Sounded like a damned porno out there...

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

Huh. Well if that kind of thing is useful I'd think they'd, I dunno, make one specifically for that with the same absorption properties? Seems somewhat embarrassing otherwise, though when it's life or death I suppose that's your last concern.

On topic, i dont have a personal story but..well see my room overlooks an alleyway (of sorts). One week i decided to record audio of myself sleeping and i would analyse it using audacity.

Around midweek for three nights in a row, cries of the beast with two backs would stir me from my sleep. I mean loud, screaming, "oh my god harder!!!" sex. Outside my window. Thought i was going crazy or having really lucid dreams.

So yeah....after some scrutiny on audacity, around 1 to 2am for those 3 days, a car would rumble up the alley and some couple went on and on for a half hour. Sounded like a damned porno out there...

I'd want to yell something to embarrass them. Like "Hey can you move to the left a bit so I can get a better view?" Seems kind of rude of them after all.

hazabaza1:
Well this was this one time I cried myself to sleep because I'm so lonely ohgodwhydoesnobodyloveme

Ahh crying yourself to sleep when the loneliness becomes too much for you to cope with... good times good times :s

...good...times...bloody hell that train seems like a good idea now

--------------------

I once stayed over at my friend's house (due to council cutting bus services and not telling anyone about it) and his gf was over that night too. I stayed on a sofa on the ground floor, with his room being a converted attic.

I woke up the next morning and looked out a window just before the sun rise. The Sun rose and then I heard what I thought was a rooster in the cliché beginning to the morning.

Then a few seconds later I realised it probably wasn't a rooster... roosters don't make that sound for that long... or pronounce names.

Haven't had any.. Never had sex... But I hope to soon with my BF.. * Shrugs * Meh..

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

...

I think that is true (though I hardly expcet our freind was expecting some gunfire related action/injuries)

Mortai Gravesend:

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

Huh. Well if that kind of thing is useful I'd think they'd, I dunno, make one specifically for that with the same absorption properties? Seems somewhat embarrassing otherwise, though when it's life or death I suppose that's your last concern.
.

mabye its just cheaper? and they work I supsoe...also come one...REAL men suck it up and move on..(not the tampon)

Vault101:

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

...

I think that is true (though I hardly expcet our freind was expecting some gunfire related action/injuries)

I'm having fun imagining him as some kind of Hollywood bank robber with tampons to stop the blood from his wounds. Speculation sometimes turns out to be so much more fun than the truth.

Mortai Gravesend:

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

Huh. Well if that kind of thing is useful I'd think they'd, I dunno, make one specifically for that with the same absorption properties? Seems somewhat embarrassing otherwise, though when it's life or death I suppose that's your last concern.
.

mabye its just cheaper? and they work I supsoe...also come one...REAL men suck it up and move on..(not the tampon)

Cheaper? I do suppose having to come up with your own manufacturing thing might be more trouble than it's worth if there's no actual war going on.

Real men suck it up? No, the tampon sucks up all the blood presumably. Does that make the tampon the real man? o__O

Mortai Gravesend:

Luftwaffles:
@Vault101: @Mortai Gravesend: @Bara_no_Hime: I hear the NZSAS (regular sas, soldiers etc) carry tampons for bullet wounds. Not sure if true though.

Huh. Well if that kind of thing is useful I'd think they'd, I dunno, make one specifically for that with the same absorption properties? Seems somewhat embarrassing otherwise, though when it's life or death I suppose that's your last concern.

[quote]snip

Or shout to the man "She said harder mate!" But i was half asleep.

@Vault101: And about the tampon thing, im not surprised. I have a large sas book on survival and it had tips on using tampons/sanitary pads as firestarters and condoms as emergency water carrying...containers.

SAS dont get shot anyways, they are shielded by their massive and awe inspiring beards.

I learned last week that I'm ticklish on my head (yes...THAT head)

Mortai Gravesend:
[
Cheaper? I do suppose having to come up with your own manufacturing thing might be more trouble than it's worth if there's no actual war going on.

Real men suck it up? No, the tampon sucks up all the blood presumably. Does that make the tampon the real man? o__O

ohh...no no no no no

I ment real men "suck up" petty things like "ewww it offends my precious masculinity"

and by "suck up" the tampon I imagined it getting lost in his wound and....

yeah as i said covnersation going wierd places

Vault101:

Mortai Gravesend:
[
Cheaper? I do suppose having to come up with your own manufacturing thing might be more trouble than it's worth if there's no actual war going on.

Real men suck it up? No, the tampon sucks up all the blood presumably. Does that make the tampon the real man? o__O

ohh...no no no no no

I ment real men "suck up" petty things like "ewww it offends my precious masculinity"

and by "suck up" the tampon I imagined it getting lost in his wound and....

yeah as i said covnersation going wierd places

I was kidding, I know what you meant by that part XD

But omg lol, getting lost in the wound...

Yeah, this conversation has diverged spectacularly.

The story is too long, but it has an educational tip for guys. Guys, never go on a "workout" date (or at least be in shape if you do.) Summer after my freshman year of college I reconnect with a girl I dumped in high school (because the crazy.) I changed and matured a lot over that year and I figured she deserved another chance. Plus, her dad was loaded, like 7 figure salary 3 story house on a golf course loaded.

Yeah, I can give her another chance.

Anyway she has a membership at some high dollar "executive" country club gym, and she asks me to go work out with her. Now other than a semester in my college's marching band and a weekly game of racquet ball I had adopted an almost physical activity free lifestyle. The last time I had even been in a gym was high school where I had been in football and track. I was a big, stocky muscular guy back then (lineman, and shot put) and while I had gotten totally out of shape freshman year, I still had quite a bit of muscle. The guys at the "rich" gym were a bunch of skinny nerdly and business types, making me look pretty badass (by comparison only) lifting weights. And I was being verrrrry stupid and showing off to make an impression. After the workout I showered while she spoke with a friend. She said she could shower at home, and so we went to her place. She told me to relax in her room while she showered. I picked up a book from her bookcase (Arthur C. Clarke, she did have great taste in books) and sat back in the little recliner in her room. About the time she came out of the bathroom (in a towel far to small) I was making a distressing discovery.

I could not move.

As I had relaxed in her chair every muscle in my body that I had seriously overtaxed after a year and more of inactivity started to tighten up. When she took off the towel and sat in my lap, that turned into a series of muscle cramps running up and down both legs and across the now-flabby abs. And no matter how much you want it to, certain parts of the male anatomy don't work properly when you are in so much pain you vision starts to white-out. I went from looking "pretty badass" to "pathetic whimpering" in a shockingly abrupt amount of time. I did manage to wrangle the mess into some Florence Nightingale effect sympathy from her. "Aww, you did this to yourself to impress me. Let me take care of you." That unfortunately was after a couple of very awkward and embarrassingly unsuccessful attempts by her to "Let me do all the work, you just lay back."

I've been MORE stupid at times. But it never led to me looking quite as pathetic as I did that day.

"Who built this f*@%!#g police station." - Leon Kennedy

Vault101:
Snip

Mortai Gravesend:
Snip

I believe Tampons were originally developed to treat bullet wounds and other similar wounds, but then they found....other uses for them as you know.

That's all I had to say, No especially funny Sex stories from me, Sorry OP.

CobraX:

Vault101:
Snip

Mortai Gravesend:
Snip

I believe Tampons were originally developed to treat bullet wounds and other similar wounds, but then they found....other uses for them as you know.

That's all I had to say, No especially funny Sex stories from me, Sorry OP.

*checks wikipedia*

O__O

You're right. Apparently they WERE first used for wounds. Considering their widespread modern use I never would have guessed, though it makes sense.

Bara_no_Hime:

Sleekit:
also i've broken beds at least twice which always kinda throws you out of the moment...sometimes literally...

**checks your profile - no info**

... what year did you graduate from college? Cause, your comment there reminded me of the time I was in a bed-breaking situation. And then it occurred to me that it was remotely possible that you might actually BE that ex-boyfriend. And if so... I should probably make sure before sharing that story.

unlikely as i'm a 41 year old Scotsman and thusly didn't do the whole US college thang.

breaking beds is actually fairly common in my experience. i know at least 3 other people who've done the same. gives you a whole new angle when you're looking to buy a "good" bed...

probably the funniest story I have is the ambiguity of my own virginity-losing/sexual-origin story. there are three of them and i'm not sure which one counts as my first...

during highschool I lied to everyone about having lost my virginity in middle school(junior high) to avoid ridicule for not seeking a girlfriend out of the cesspool that was my graduating class so nobody really ragged on me for any of these and just assumed that I was some kind of "suave sexual legend; a horny god among men" if you will. (as described by others) I'm neither of these things but I'm also not one to downplay those rumours should they arise



DugMachine:
Came home freaking smashed one night and had the bright idea of instead of jerkin it like usual I had sex with a jar of grape jelly (not gonna lie felt good as hell) but next thing I know it was 3 in the afternoon and I was super hungry. Go to kitchen and start making a PB&J sandwich and half way through my sandwich realize wtf I did last night.

Inb4 I get banned for posting that lmao, but its true :/ AIN'T GOT NO SHAME

wouldnt that have been really really sticky afterwards?

ok my story

i was at a friends party and i was hooking up with this girl and we then went up to my mates room and started going at it. unfortunately she forgot to mention she had a boyfriend... a big boyfriend, like half man half bear half gorilla kind of big. and he walks in when we are in the middle of the act. and well long story short while my friend restrains him im running down the streets of Oxford half naked with half my clothes in my hands

Well my embarrassing sex stories revolve around my ex's mum and sister trying to walk in mid way through. Funnily enough the mum didn't realise we were having sex but the sister did. Also the first night I stayed around her house for the night, we were on our way up to her room when her dad stops me, her dad is a body builder and does kick boxing by the way, and says 'remember, I'm a light sleeper and a heavy hitter'. My ex then led me upstairs and started making out and undo my jeans, however, her dad had scared me so much, I could not get an erection.. He was a scary guy. Oh and a friend of mine told me a story that he was riding a guy and his room had a slanted roof. She hit the roof and knocked herself out half way through.

Also, just as a fun story. When my ex broke up with me, I walked back from her house and as i got to my front door i searched my pockets for my house keys. I had left them at her house... So i had to walk back to the girl who had just dumped me and get my keys back. Yeah, that wasn't fun..

Mortai Gravesend:

CobraX:

Vault101:
Snip

Mortai Gravesend:
Snip

I believe Tampons were originally developed to treat bullet wounds and other similar wounds, but then they found....other uses for them as you know.

That's all I had to say, No especially funny Sex stories from me, Sorry OP.

*checks wikipedia*

O__O

You're right. Apparently they WERE first used for wounds. Considering their widespread modern use I never would have guessed, though it makes sense.

COWER AT MY INFINITE KNOWLEDGE OF WOMEN'S HYGIENE ITEMS!

Ah, Wikipedia and Uncle John's Bathroom Readers is there anything you can't teach us?

A friend of mine, whilst having sex, fell off the bed onto an electric heater and burnt her whole torse. She looks like a zebra from where each groove touched her.

Bara_no_Hime:

Thomas Guy:
To this day I have issues doing it with my wife on her period.

Too bad. Period sex is nature's birth control. ^^

Just don't forget to bring a towel.

Too bad you can still get pregnant on your period :P

Which brings me too a minor embarrassing thing that's happened to me is coming on while having sex, a number of times. Not pleasant at all. The list would go on for other things ;_;

Having to dive naked into my girlfriends cupboard as her dad barged into her room. Drunk.

He then proceeded to open the cupboard and see me naked in there, and in his drunken state all he could say was "You did well love". That made my day, and our relationship blossomed (Myself and her dad XD).

Another really awkward moment was when i used to share a room with my older brother, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to feel the bunk bed shaking, mixed with the occasional grunt. 'I was always really tempted to say 'would you stop that, I'm trying to sleep.' But I never did because I would never be able to look him in the eye again..

On a camping trip. GF and I were going at it one afternoon and a friend of ours thought it would be funny to come into our tent while we were having private fun and sit next to us. Luckily we had a blanket. We weren't being noisy. She knew what we were doing because we went quiet apparently. Our efforts to be discrete backfired.

NZSAS using tampons for bullet wounds?

Bara_no_Hime:
snip

'looks innocent' she says! Still, to be fair, in the... ahem... (unspecified number of) years I've been active, I'm oddly surprised how much I've done, considering I've never had a blowjob or done anal...

And about handjobs... one ex was oddly fixated with the sensation of getting shot on the back... o_O'

captcha - 'cherry on top'

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