What's the weirdest thing you've ever heard someone say IRL?

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"What if your earwax came out of your ear in the shape of your favourite transport?"

I can't even begin to comprehend the train of thought that led to that utterly insane sentence. I mean, I've said some dumb things in my life, but really?

That would have been at least 16 years ago now. My parents still won't let me live it down.

"If you don't believe in god because you can't see him, why do you believe in gravity, 'cos you can't see it."
'Drops pen onto table.'
"I can't see gravity."

"We have it so well here in Europe, we should show the rest of the world how it's done."

Basically he was talking about Asia and how fucked up he thinks everything is, so we should go there (probably America-style) and "show them" or force them...

My opinion about him plummeted that very eve to...well, close to nothing. Arrogant prick.

For me personally: My girlfriend, her mom and I are at a Chinese restaurant and ready to order. In the booth behind me are three teenage girls who are placing their orders. We hear this:

"Which one is the white rice, is it steamed or fried?"

Back at my table, triple face-palm.

---

For my GF: She's in class one afternoon (Culinary program at UGA, second quarter of first year) one of her peers asks her this:

"Can you use cake mix to make cupcakes?"

---

Minor annoyances:

*My Dad insists on saying 'guesstimate'.
*The phrase "Same-Difference": The same-difference of an orange not being a tangerine is that neither is a potato
*The phrase "could care less" when speaking of something one doesn't care for. If one could care less about something it means that they do in fact care since, as they say, they could care less when what they mean is that they couldn't.
*I don't understand how "spare the rod and spoil the child" is a phrase used in support of spanking when it really doesn't sound like it, to me at least.

DANEgerous:
"your religion is determined by you genetics! It is proven by science!" What? FUCKIN WHAT?
"If the AC i broken it still works and makes the air colder!" Professor! AC! Broke!
"This Vodka is 40% is that the bottle or a shot?" Yes?

Professor! Lava! Hot!

OT: Somebody I knew thought that the battle of the Somme was fought in the cold war. That seems pretty damn stupid on several levels to me.

I had a woman at my gym approach me asking:

"Do you know when kids start washing their hair? Because my kid refuses to wash his hair, is it just a period?"

Never seen her before, didn't know her kid, I was confused

hazabaza1:
"Is Winston Churchill the dog?"
"Abraham Lincoln got struck by lightning, right?"
"Yeah, I know who Hitler is. The guy who killed a bunch of people. I think."

All said by the same person. She's nice enough but... well, damn near retarded.

It was a very surreal experience to me (living in England and learning about Hitler every year of primary and high school) when I had to explain to my girlfriend about the holocaust and who
Hitler was, as she was raised in an Arabic country where they pretty much deny the existence of jews. She was really horrified, but it was just so bizarre meeting somebody who didn't know about him.

Teacher: Tell me about new weapons that came along during the first World War
Girl: The Atomic Bomb...
yeah...

Blondefool:
A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

sitting in a tutorial where everyone has gone silent when someone in the hallway goes
"Oh yeah man, I'm gonna fuck her like a pokemon!"

...

The entire class went 'What?'. Though seriously, 'fuck her like a pokemon?' what the hell does that even mean?

"It feels a bit wrong to have a little girl's body parts spread out on the table in front of me."

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. . .

Granted, he was talking about a doll. Or something. Not sure I want to know. He's a bit messed up in the head, you see. Like most of my friends.

Well, that's the weirdest thing I've heard SOMEONE ELSE say. Apparently, I've said even weirder things. Way more often, too. But that is still just so fucked up. . . also, during that same conversation, we (me and some other friends) find out that he (the dude who said the quote) managed to get banned from 4chan. Yea, something is SERIOUSLY wrong in his head. <.<

While attending a party in highschool:

"Oh my god, Vegemite burns my pussy!"

The Vegemite thread reminded me of that glorious night... *sigh* Good times... Good times...

This happened a while back now.

Sitting in class working on my end of year project, we had to choose a piece of human tech. and explain how it works, its history, such as that. I decided to chose to do mine on the howitzer and the person next to me chose to do the machine gun. It was about three days into the project, he turns to me and asks this:
"I don't get it. Why does Powerpoint think that it is spelled wrong?"
So I turn to see what he was talking about and kindly tell him that there is no t in the word. What word was he so perplexed at you may ask? He was trying to spell the word Nazi by spelling it Natzi.

My ex once told me: " Well if you don't know why I'm angry i don't see the reason why I should tell you". I mean come on !

An old classmate of mine asked some pretty stupid stuff when we were 15 I guess. She's a very sweet girl, but not very bright. Luckily she managed a modelling job xD. Here are a couple I remember.

"I once tried to castrate a spider but I couldn't find the testicles." in biology class

" What are the tubes in the ground for ?" About sewers.

" Seeing that you have to change your clock when you travel the earth, why hasn't anyone gone to a place where time is further than us, write the lottery numbers and the gone back to our place ?" Yes, she thought time travelling was a common thing ^^. What a sweet girl, but still. The facepalms...

"We did not buy your brother the pepper spray. What chance do you have getting the slingshot?"

Mom, I think Bambi accurately expresses my hidden desires about you."

"If Athiests dont believe in the after life then why do they have funerals"

I believe thats may be the dumbest thing i've heard anyone say, what was worse is that people agreed with the woman who said it.

A Random Reader:
"If you don't believe in god because you can't see him, why do you believe in gravity, 'cos you can't see it."
'Drops pen onto table.'
"I can't see gravity."

This is sadly common as is

can you prove red exist? No! Because you can never prove red is real to a blind man! because he can not see it and the only way to know if something is red is to see it!

That is absurd red has a set frequency, you believe in "colors" of light you can not see. You own a microwave ans sun screen both of which utilize non viable light.

all light is visible you fool! Also if you can objectively define red do so! ha ha you can't

It is light ~480-400 terahertz. And you just keep thinking UV rays are fake like a moron if you want to bro.

Spoken by a guy:
"If I were pregnant, I'd give birth to a beautiful baby."

That was a weird day...

Clive Howlitzer:
"If it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college."

Seriously, you saw that Lewis Black concert live?

Well, if we extend it to things we've seen on TV:

"I want you to take my ashes, put them in a douche bottle and run me through one more time."

My sister, while discussing her wedding menu:

'What's a guineafowl? IS it a Guinea pig?'

Yes Hannah, now shut up and eat it.

I support Manchester United.

EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

Two hipsters talking in Mcdonalds:
Hipster 1 "That's awesome"
Hipster 2 "That's like a double edged sword. That's like a double edged katana!"
point one: they were discussing the dollar menu
Point two: As a slashing weapon, katanas don't benefit from being double edged.

We were all speachless.

Close second, sophmore year of college we were playing video games late one night when we hear a couple arguing from the parking lot. After about 20 minutes the man screams: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M TOO DRUNK." I love college.

Daystar Clarion:

Cavan:

Daystar Clarion:
First thing that comes to mind...

'I don't really like scampi, I think they're ugly and I don't like their feeding habits.'

Wut?

Scampi is lobster tail, not a kind of animal :D

Scampi also refers to the small lobster that it comes from.

Huh, so it is.

Didn't know there were multiple meanings for the name.

You learn something new every day :D

If we're allowing internet suggestions (to deviate a little) this complete dumbass once said "scampi is lobster tail, not a kind of animal"

BUUUUURN

Nah, you're a cool guy.

Seriously? Hmm... well, we were watching this video in my Year 11 english class in preparation for an assignment:

And a girl sat near me asked the teacher if it was based off of a true story. (TL;DW, it's about a bird man that flies down from the moon, steals a kid's eyes and flies back to the moon to feed them to his babies).

Also: "I actually think those fake tans that look orange look more attractive than a real brown tan". I'm sorry, everyone's entitled to their opinion, but that doesn't change the fact some opinions are utterly wrong. This is one of them. If you want to fuck a Wotsit, that's your choice, but you're a fucking moron.

And finally (from a fellow college student): "If we're in a recession, why don't we just print more money?"

Back in the days when Swine Flu was going around. An girl (eighteen, by the way) asked my I.T teacher.

"When you catch Swine Flu, does it kill you instantly?"

What makes it worse was her friends around her responded with comments like...

"I think it does, it sounds horrible!"

I nearly slammed my head on the desk...

Generally speaking, my uncle likes to *pretend* he knows about computers, when he pretty much ignores the very first thing about how to put one together. About once a year, I get a phone call about how he got his hands on a "Super-Core Pentium with eighty gigahertz and THREE megs of RAM and a one-petaflop hard drive! And the video card? Oh, man! The video card! SO MANY VIDEOS ON IT!"

Granted, the guy's usually drunk when he calls me, but my reaction is almost always a variation on a facepalm or "Lolwut?".

Then I show up, and realize the so-called Killer Rig to End All Killer Rigs is another nicotine-stained beige horror from the late nineties. I keep reminding him to make sure his rig can actually run the games he ends up buying, but he never listens.

So, well... A free copy of Civ V for me! Yay!

AceTrilby:
Spoken by a guy:
"If I were pregnant, I'd give birth to a beautiful baby."

That was a weird day...

To paraphrase Andy Parsons: "You'd also blow your cock off."

One very stupid moment from him, though:

"you know, because if you think there's something wrong with your kidneys..." *thumps chest*

Hugh Dennis: "Andy, I'd be more than happy to take your medical opinion at face level, had you not just gone *thumps chest* while talking about kidneys..."

Chairman Miaow:

DANEgerous:
"your religion is determined by you genetics! It is proven by science!" What? FUCKIN WHAT?
"If the AC i broken it still works and makes the air colder!" Professor! AC! Broke!
"This Vodka is 40% is that the bottle or a shot?" Yes?

Professor! Lava! Hot!

OT: Somebody I knew thought that the battle of the Somme was fought in the cold war. That seems pretty damn stupid on several levels to me.

My great grandfather whom I was named for fought in the battle of the Somme. Survived both World Wars and lived until my mum was 20. No PTSD or depression (though he didn't like talking about his experiences) and apparently was utterly witty until the day he died. Like a boss!

Shoggoth2588:

*I don't understand how "spare the rod and spoil the child" is a phrase used in support of spanking when it really doesn't sound like it, to me at least.

It means if you don't beat them with a stick, you're being too lenient.

I speak old man.

theparsonski:
I know a guy who isn't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, and in one history lesson we were learning about the Nazi regime in one German town. Suddenly he pointed to a black and white photograph of some citizens of the town and went "Look! It's a woman-child!"
He was pointing at a little girl.

Are you sure he didn't just speak flawed english?

Every day at work.

Me: OK Mr Derpington, I can help you with your account. Can you confirm your date of birth?
Mr Derpington: I don't know my date of birth.
Me: You do't know when you were born?

I will never forget the weirdest thing someone ever said to me. It was in Highschool, the school had a 'Gay-Straight Alliance' (essentially a homosexuality support club) which I occasionally attended. Many of the people in there were very genuine, concerning people. Some.. a bit overly enthusiastic about their support. There were a couple members who seemed to become so invested in the 'Homosexuality is normal' message that they started to twist it a bit. To the point where, from them, it was less 'Homosexuality is normal' and more 'Being Straight is weird.'

This came to a point, where while speaking to one of them, they would tell me the most mind-boggling thing I have ever heard.

"Homosexuality is more natural than heterosexuality. Studies show that the average woman's vagina goes several inches deeper than the average man's penis is long. This shows that they are not naturally suited for eachother."

At a pub quiz last week.One of the rounds was a sheet with pictures of 10 famous real-life people and you had to name them.One of the pictures was Edward Smith who was captain of the Titanic.Overheard a guy at the table next to me saying "That's Captain Birdseye right?"

FoolKiller:

Blondefool:
A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

He did and explained that each megabite added 1 gram to the iPod. Besides, I never said I didn't laugh but this girl is allowed to drive vehicles.

This was last summer, and me, the boyfriend, and some of his friends just seen a movie (I want to say that it was Captain America). They were coming up with... a game I want to say? I don't really know what brought it up or why, but they came up with things such as "If I find an empty pool in the tri state area, and call you to tell you about it, you have to get there in three days, otherwise you have to watch Waterworld twice in a row without bathroom breaks." and "If I find a guy named (I don't remember what the dude had to be named), in a garbage can, with a doberman, then you have to wear clown pants filled with Jello for a week."

These kids the boyfriend hangs out with.

Blondefool:

FoolKiller:

Blondefool:
A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

He did and explained that each megabite added 1 gram to the iPod. Besides, I never said I didn't laugh but this girl is allowed to drive vehicles.

Did she also realise that this would make the average DVD weigh just under 10 kilos? And possibly able to effectively weight-lift with Rage?

"I don't care if her back door is flapping in the god damn breeze you are gonna enjoy it god damn you!" shouted at me from across the bar. I still don't know who "Her" is.

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