The Escapist Advice Thread

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Leave Uni/College, besides, College Drop-outs get all the ladies.

Dear Escapist, my hair is too long but I'm too lazy to get it cut. What should I do?

Become a hippy.

Dear Escapist, I think I see someone with a knife slowly walking towards me. What should I do?

Give them a hug.... very quickly and suddenly!!

Dear escapist, I've just been stabbed in a hug gone wrong, what should I do??

Consider yourself lucky, you got a hug, that's a sure display of affection.
Don't throw that back at their face and reject them, that's both rude and callous. Just embrace it without complaint.

Dear Escapist, I am unsure of who to live with next year. What is a good hazing process?

Well bursting into a person's room at two in the morning yelling something about zombies is a good way to get to know someone.

Dear Escapist how can I deal with the week that is about to happen?

Yell "fuck you" to every douchebag you come on by today. Enjoy a feeling of smugness for the rest of the week. :-D

Dear Escapist, how do I tear down this wall?

Just ram into it until it falls down, preferrably head-first.

Dear Escapist, how can I get more time?

Buy many more clocks.

Dear escapist I want to learn how to program where do I start?

Pick up a copy of Radio Times and take it from there.

Dear Escapists, I've 'misplaced' my children in a busy shopping centre. What should I do?

Don't worry about it, they know there way back home! Leave and relax at your home, with your first private, quiet time you've had in years.

Dear Escapists, I am starting to think that we are all in a Matrix were all our perceptions are illusions and nothing is real. What should I do?

Make yourself high and depressed by listening to The Wall several times, preferably high and back to back. That way, you become the different One. This is because you store all of that negativity and learn to appreciate the position that you've been given, that of enlightenment.

I'd like to listen to some more progressive rock/metal, what's some good artists other than Dream Theater, Pink Floyd, and Rush?

I choose to answer this with real advice!
There are a lot of bands I can suggest but here's a short list; Yes; King crimson; Jethro Tull; Tame impala; Pond; The drones and Frank Zappa.

Dear Escapist I love music is there anyway I can give back to music for entertaining me all these years?

Yes, by pirating everything not nailed down to the ground

Dear Escapist, how can I thank you for being there for me?

Put all your money and credit card information into the Swiss bank account #323578 after crossing the border to Mexico. When the van arrives with the guys with the guns, they are there to give you cake for helping the Escapist so much.

Dear the Escapist, how do I make money instantly?

Easy! All you have to do is set up an operation that pays returns to its investors from their own money or the money paid by subsequent investors, rather than from profit earned by the individual or organization running the operation.

Dear escapist I think I will be hungover tomorrow what should I do?

Drink more. The only cure for a hangover is more beer.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop slacking?

Get some shorts. You can't slack without slacks after all.

Dear Escapist, how I can become THE BEST PERSON EVER?

Pray to God; if he exists, you are automatically the best. If not, tough luck.

How do I help my friend spill the beans about his fetish to his girlfriend? :-D

Baked beans fetishes are against god and against nature, you should not help anyone in such a state of hedonism.

Dear Escapist, how do I survive the next 2 weeks without internet?


Dear Escapist, would I actually like Metal Gear?

To find out, you should buy a time machine so that you can ask your future self(who has played the game) if you will like it.

My doorbell is ringing, but nobody answered when I picked up the phone and said hello. Even worse, the doorbell keeps ringing!? How do I stop the doorbell?

Take a hammer to it. The doorbell, not your phone.

Dear Escapist, I received a package in the mail with a strangely glowing white stone. Using the tissue paper it came in, I've found out that there are several symbols from a lost civilisation scrawled onto its surface. Is it safe to touch with my bare skin?

Of course! What's the worst that could happen? Actually, get rubber or leather gloves. Safety first!

Dear Escapist, my cat keeps trying to play Dark Souls whenever I go to use the restroom or get a snack. What do?

Let it play! This cat's genius and complete love to the species that enslaves it's kind must be encouraged. Also, give it "How to Make ICBMs for Dummies" and a gun. What can go wrong?

Dear Escapist, a bunch of people are at my door with a battering ram demanding their money back. What should I do?

Tell them that their battering ram is of low quality and you can sell them a "better" battering ram. After that, buy some tickets to get on a plane to fly out of the country.

Dear Escapist, I can't figure out how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood! Help!

Simple, really. a wood chuck would chuck all the wood that a wood chuck could if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Dear Escapist, my friday just got ruined because I realized it was only tuesday. How do I remedy this?

...Deny nature.

Dear Escapist, I need to stop feeling tired. What to do?

Maple syrup. In large quantities.

Dear Escapist, I ran out of maple syrup. Where can I obtain more?

Get your toothbrush and sharpen it until you get a shank, then go to your local park and stab some mother fucking trees.

Dear Escapist, how do I do what I do?


Dear Escapist, how do I know when to go in for the kill the kiss?

S/he will kick you in the balls right before.

Dear Escapist, why am I not tired after pulling an all nighter?

Clearly you didn't pull hard enough, put your back into it.

Dear Escapist, how can I overcome my dehabilitating crack addiction?

Do more crack; hopefully, all of it will cancel out

Dear Escapist, how do I get internet famous?

Post something stupid on YouTube.

Dear Escapist; Windows is being fussy. How should I kill it?

Open a Notepad file and type in "@echo off del c:[backslash]windows[backslash]system32", then save it as [something].bat. Open it up again, and you have a dead Windows on your hands.

Dear Escapist, somebody tells me that I shouldn't like Gintama because 'it's bad'. I can't convince him that that's just his opinion - he's utterly convinced that it's a fact that Gintama sucks. He could teach the Pope a thing or two about devotion. Anyway, how do I make sure he doesn't spread his opinion around any further?

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